DP's ExW Silent Treatment

[FatfunandADHD]

I guess this is probably just a moan really and there is nothing we can do but DP's ExW is driving us mad.

Tiny bit of background, DP wanted 50/50 childcare and there is no real reason he can't have it, if we had pursued in court we believe we could have had a good chance of achieving this but he was blackmailed to accept what he has which is about 40/60 split.

She insists on doing the childcare plan school year by school year, but clearly this means not knowing who is going to have the children in October half term. DP sent a proposal out 2 months ago on email to her. Still no response, when he has asked she has said she is having 'e-mail problems'. These don't seem to occur when she emails asking for money!

It is DSS birthday coming up and it falls on her day, we have asked to see him for an hour to give him his gifts etc and that has been ignored.

Elder DSS has SEN and DP has messaged to ask about what words he needs to be working on at the moment and again no response.

I don't think any of these reasons for reaching out are unnecessary, and trust me this is just the latest group of unresponded to communication. She regularly r messages DP to say things like, DSS wants X from your house can you bring it round, so its not that they are permanently NC.

DP said last night she treats us like a credit card statement, just thrown in the pile and ignored when we feel all we are trying to do is be good co-parents to the children.

Any advice appreciated.

My DP because of his job has no phone / internet access during the day, I often pick up life admin and he picks up lots of other things.

and he wanted 50\50?

Can I ask how this makes you feel? Please don't feel you have to say at all, but I just wonder if she hates me being involved in her children's lives, or if in fact there is an element of relief that he found someone who would walk over hot coals for her children.

ExW will contact me if the children need to be kept off school and she knows Im wfh, or if she is stuck in traffic and they need picked up. I know I am probably her last resort but am at least on the list.

without you

not a chance he’s be able to have the children anywhere close to 50/50 given you say he is completely uncontactable during the day and indeed even tonight is working late

When he has the children he goes in late and leaves early he uses no wrap around childcare at all. When he doesn't, like today, he has very limited / no access during the day. I got a WhatsApp at lunch time when he steps away from the working environment and checks up on 'real life'.

He is only working late because he doesn't have the children on a Thursday so its an intentional plan to work late.

we were being quoted

So… he wasn’t all alone during the divorce as you also say * but when you feel like you are going to war, on your own, as I said previously he has no family at all they have all passed away*

op… how long ago did they divorce?

My daughter has an amazing step mother who loves her. Their relationship has blossomed over the past eight years. She is an amazing support and role model for my DD, and she respects what territory is solely for me and my ex to deal with which makes our relationship easy and supportive.
Your partner should be doing the work surrounding this, not you.

OP you say he can’t make the call to the school because of work

so ask yourself… if you weren’t in the scene a) this 10 year would continue to languish not knowing the alphabet and b) who would call the school

OP.. did you pay for the assessment?

Ignoring @greenbeansrock who seems to have a whole beehive in her bonnet.

my son is dyslexic and masked it with coping strategies for a number of years. I felt awful when we actually got the diagnosis (paid for report as school didn’t really see a problem) and I am much more vigilant for the possibility now, if friends mention their kids. Just as I’m sure you are, OP, as you also have it. Well done for all you are doing.

Also, you’re not wrong about the October holiday. Yes, it’s ages away but what if you wanted to go away or book a day out? Maybe your partner should try to sell it as “if we work this all out in January I won’t have to pester you with lots of messages”? A Jan- Dec year schedule with general set blocks makes everyone’s lives easier in the long run.

Instead of faffing with the mother sigh your step son up to dyslexia gold.

Let him do the spelling app and the eye training. I cannot tell you how much it helped my child. It was only 7.99 a month

not sure why you are getting a hard time - people underestimate the toll it takes on everyone going through the courts

strange he pays so much maintenance for having them 40pc if the time considering he’s in the military - must be v high ranking

Sign

the OP is doing an amazing job for this boy, i don’t doubt that at all

my issue is with the DP

and also wondering what will happen if this pretty new relationship ends

OP is doing it as a team with her DP. You are doubtless correct there’s another side to this, but you are needling at the facts in OP’s posts in a way that seems like an attack on a person asking for advice.

Her DP has 40%, wants 50%, appears to be able to set up his work life for it. What’s the problem here? Why are you assuming such a negative position?

Not trying to have a go, but you seem so extremely against the DP here and he doesn’t seem awful. It’s always going to seem like the DP is a big limp when the partner is posting, but he probably doesn’t have an MN account.

My DH and I work as a team on the big life issues, like the DSC. How is he wrong because his partner cares? I am just not seeing what you are.

Another example of cms ruining a child's relationships with parents and parents mental health. Shock horror.

If your child care agreement is not formalised you can self represent at court to get it formalised either in its current format or as 50/50 if that's what you want. That will mean she cannot dictate and you all know where you stand.

Or your DP just doesn't reply to her either. Sticks to his 'days' and busy celebrates bday on the nearest day to his bday that you have him.

We ask exw for no grace, because she never shows any. It's a shame but it is what it is.

My curiosity is bursting at the seams, how is it relevant how long they've been together??

new to mumsnet i guess?

the amount of times where it has transpired on similar such threads that the OP has actually only been in a relationship with the poor put-upon amazing father that is her DP… for a short period of time.

And indeed given the Op only split from her partner 3 years ago…. i am guessing this isn’t long term

I'm sorry OP but you come across as over
Invested in this. I would have thought your job is to support your husband in keeping his relationship with his kid healthy and strong but it sounds like you have taken over and are the driving force behind his efforts with his kid now. I'm not a step parent so I don't know how it should work but surely this will cause resentment for the ex wife and possibly the child ? And eventually you will lose respect for your bf as he is the one who should be putting the effort in, no? I think you should step way back and let him deal with all this and you focus on your own kid and your relationship with bf.

added to which, what happens if the relationship between OP and DP goes down the tubes?

It seems like everyone is becoming too dependent on the OP. The DP and ex for the OP to take on this boy’s learning (she identified his very very substantial issues (at 10 😔), she progressed the assessment, i suspect she paid for it as hasn’t denied this, and now she’s the one contacting the school to progress the next level of assessment). Remove the Op from the equation and….

My ADHD probably doesn't help with this as I can get fixated on these 'problems' that in my mind haven't been responded to and therefore sit as an 'open tab' in my brain.

my boy has adhd
he too becomes fixated
and then… will suddenly lose any motivation / interest in it and it’s dropped like a hot potato

You are way overinvested in this thread.

I understand you're trying to point out potential issues with OPs DP but it's coming across as aggressive and confrontational.

OP has acknowledged her DP hasn't been amazing. She's asking for advice on how they (as a team) can navigate it. Getting attacked every few posts by you will not be helping.

You've made your point, OP has recognised and accepted that her DP could have done more earlier on. Now you've moved on to suggesting that you understand OPs ADHD better than she does because your DS responds differently? That's quite frankly insulting.

It's not up to the mum to reply though. Sounds like the dad wants to be spoonfed.
Dad needs to contact school himself to see how he can best help his dcs learning.

yes but ultimately this is only a thread, which will very soon dry up so even if i am over invested - no big deal

my point is the OP is way over invested in this family and that is a big deal

How do you want her to respond to you? Genuinely, what can she say beyond what she already has to acknowledge your point?

They may be early on and they might split up next week. Or they might get married and spend the next 20 years together. You're making a real good point on the DP needing to be the one to drive this but I suspect the way you're doing it will be making it less effective.