DP's ExW Silent Treatment

[FatfunandADHD]

I guess this is probably just a moan really and there is nothing we can do but DP's ExW is driving us mad.

Tiny bit of background, DP wanted 50/50 childcare and there is no real reason he can't have it, if we had pursued in court we believe we could have had a good chance of achieving this but he was blackmailed to accept what he has which is about 40/60 split.

She insists on doing the childcare plan school year by school year, but clearly this means not knowing who is going to have the children in October half term. DP sent a proposal out 2 months ago on email to her. Still no response, when he has asked she has said she is having 'e-mail problems'. These don't seem to occur when she emails asking for money!

It is DSS birthday coming up and it falls on her day, we have asked to see him for an hour to give him his gifts etc and that has been ignored.

Elder DSS has SEN and DP has messaged to ask about what words he needs to be working on at the moment and again no response.

I don't think any of these reasons for reaching out are unnecessary, and trust me this is just the latest group of unresponded to communication. She regularly r messages DP to say things like, DSS wants X from your house can you bring it round, so its not that they are permanently NC.

DP said last night she treats us like a credit card statement, just thrown in the pile and ignored when we feel all we are trying to do is be good co-parents to the children.

Any advice appreciated.

So she has a family with millions of pounds and can afford expensive lawyers but relies on his CMS payments. That makes no sense.

Thank you.

it’s relevant
and fact this is your response answers my question

but this is all that he’s fed to the Op i suspect

Sorry where have I said that?

right here

but equally I think she needed the CMS payments but will not admit that as we agreed to pay her an amount and still have 50/50.

They've maybe proposed 50:50 and still paying maintenance and she's still knocked that back.

Sorry you have misunderstood my intention in that message, it was that he has made an offer to her previously to be allowed 50/50 and still pay her a maintenance payment (although lower than CMS)

so it would have been pennies
and in any event she’s has very substantial family financial support

so the old troupe that she was after CMS is patently not true

Thank you for confirming, this is what I meant. And also previously for your advice. It's the first time I have posted and probably my last as I didn't realise some people just were here to pick holes in your life rather than offer some insight.

Needless to say, at the time of the divorce, when my DP's MH was very low and he was put on antidepressants we only had a solicitor telling us her fees and not an alternative option which we may now consider as I genuinely feel it is no unreasonable to want to see your DS on their birthday for an hour to hand over presents, especially when its the only time we will see him in a 12 day period due to half term's etc. If she doesn't respond we will do our gifts 3 days early instead but its just frustrating. My ADHD probably doesn't help with this as I can get fixated on these 'problems' that in my mind haven't been responded to and therefore sit as an 'open tab' in my brain.

He pays nearly £600 a month in CMS, he had offered £400 and to have 50/50.

Her family wealth is nothing to do with her day to day life, I don't believe and none of my business but she has her own views on what CMS covers, and she includes in this her gas and electricity bill, water bill etc. So DP pays CMS and then contributes to other things on top.

I can not claim with full certainty that its all to do with CMS, but with very weak reasoning for not letting DP have 50/50 one can begin to wonder what her other motives are and CMS payments have crossed our mind.

OP

this is daft. You are painting this as black and white. Ex is villian on every and all levels. Short term DP (given you only divorcee 3 years ago according to other thread of yours I was on) is pure as the driven snow.

quit navel gazing about other peoples children and arrangements and focus on your own children

I am not painting this black and white, but clearly in human life things are complex, and without writing an autobiography I have tried to keep to the key facts, of which you have been like a dog with a bone and offered no advice at all, just the need to pick holes and ask irrelevant questions.

Nobody is perfect, DP and I are not, neither is my ExH or his ExW. I am sorry if you have assumed that I feel that we are faultless, I certainly don't believe that at all. It was just a matter that was frustrating us both, and impacting the children and I thought that MumsNet was a place to ask for others thoughts and opinions who may have been in similar circumstances. I apologise if this has not been the correct topic / area / description for you today and do hope you come across another thread soon that you feel the OP is deserving of reasonable advice.

I'm sorry that you feel that people are attacking you but they're just trying to get your story straight so they can offer advice. People come on here all the time claiming their partner is the poor victim to his evil ex, and sometimes that's true but it usually transpires that he's actually not done anything to resolve the issue and just wants to complain and play the victim. So often they're happy to let their ex walk all over them for an easy life until they meet a new partner who takes issue with it and suddenly the ex is evil and he's tried his best. Often it takes for someone else to push them into taking action. Hence why one poster was curious as to how new this relationship was.

You know, one of my biggest pet hates is people using their mental health to make excuses for why they haven't stood up for the sake of their kids. Both DH and I have ADHD. His mental health wasn't great when he left his ex but he never just let her walk all over the top of him and dictate when he could see his kids. Your boyfriend sounds like a bit of a wet wipe and unless he wants to live under his ex's thumb forever, really needs to get his shit together and apply to court.

When I met DH I had no kids of my own, had never been to court for anything so knew zilch about the court system and parental rights etc. Google is your friend. If he cared enough he'd have done the research and found out he could self rep and how much the fees were. When someone gives you a price for a job or you get a car insurance quote you don't just accept it, you go online and check that it's a reasonable cost and if you can get a better deal. So why do people just accept that court is going to cost ££££ because one lawyer told them that?

We are taking the kids abroad on holiday. Before we even told the ex we'd already looked up the process for getting a court order of she were to refuse to not hand over the passports. Every time the ex has threatened something we're online googling and researching to keep ourselves right. Knowledge is power. She will only be able to control him as long as he lets her. He needs to start being more assertive and going through the proper channels.

Example number 5678 of a step parent being interrogated, accused, patronised and demeaned on this site for daring to post anything at all about her lived experience and those she loves and cares for.

I am sorry you have had such responses OP I don't have any advice other than to hold out for the people who can and will be able to help in a respectful and supportive way.

pick out just one detail that remotely doesn’t portray the ex as villain through and through and your DP as a saint. Just one

because yet again it’s a step parent who has only been with her partner for a couple of years at most, and all info comes via that DP and yet again the ex is the villain through and through

as far as i can tell this DP has done squat all research
and when his inalws said back off or will make you pay loads of fees, he went “ok then”

I'm unclear of who is setting the spellings? If it is the school then ask them, if it's the mum then just start your own based on what you know.

If your DP really wants 50/50 then go to court and self represent like other pps have said. He does seem to be passive with all of this. I agree it doesn't seem like much to see your child on their birthday and is entirely reasonable. Why doesn't he ask at pick up/drop off rather than email? Or call her?

If he's in the military then that could be why the schedule is as it is, because he could be deployed and cause issues? Does he just do 9-5 the rest of the time?

He could suggest a communication book. Both parents write any important things, like any big issues, illness for kids, material things they've done or have happened to them or need to be done, like the spelling words and it gets passed over each time with the kids. It won't work if she's determined to stonewall communicate, but it might enable it by taking some of the personal interactions out of communicating. In the end if she's going to continue not engaging the only way to change any of this is by going to court and self representing if necessary. I wouldn't think much of someone who wasn't willing to fight for what they believed was in their kids best interests.

We've got it the other way around, XH ignores most communications I make about our kids. I don't think its always a line, blaming the ex for not getting more time with the kids, there, but it is often that, I could see my XH saying this. I said if he wanted 50/50 then we may as well go straight to court because I wasn't agreeing short of a judge ordering it. He's abusive, and I'm sure he didn't feel threatened at all, I barley slept for weeks after because of how scared I felt standing up to him.

The school gave us all 100 spellings they should be able to spell in Y1, he is in Y5. Previously mum went through the list with him and found ones he couldn't spell, these became his spellings for the week (both when with us and when with his mum) and then when we all agreed he had learnt them we would change the list and move on to new ones. The short answer is we will just work on different ones when he is with us, but I used it as an example that both big things 'school holiday plan from Sep onwards' and little things 'what spellings are we up to this week' are being ignored.

My DP works so that he is available to pick the boys up from school and drop them off on days he has them, when they are with their mum they have wrap around care. He COULD be deployed, you are right but on a list he would be fairly low down to go because of his area.

They don't do F2F pick up / drop off they are carefully done to follow school drop offs and pick ups to minimise contact but you are right maybe on some things we just need to give up co parenting and on others we just need to try different methods of communication.

Thank you for this great idea.

I totally get peoples views on him being weak in this scenario and if he really wanted his kids more then he should fight for them etc. And I clearly have no idea on peoples personal circumstances but when you feel like you are going to war, on your own, as I said previously he has no family at all they have all passed away, and the solicitor asks him if he is going to spend £15,000 for a wet Tuesday and Wednesday after school at a point he is equally fighting tooth and nail for enough money to buy another house for the boys I think he felt he was going to loose. He is a private man, wouldn't have crossed his mind to speak to anyone but his solicitor. Hindsight is a wonderful thing as is the strength of being the other side of it but in that moment it wasn't the strength or finances he had and rather than delay moving out of the family house by another 2 years he got to a point where he just took what he could (negotiated up from what he was offered) but didn't push for what the solicitor believed was reasonable.

He has approached the situation since as the children began to ask for 50/50 on a regular basis and so as people have suggested I will speak to him tonight about self representing in court at least then we will know he has done everything he can for the children.

but if she’s not told you the words he’s learned out of 100

surely this takes all of a second to confirm
can you spell…. xyz
if he does, tick it off
if he doesn’t, then it either hasn’t consolidated or needs to be learned

in any event… he’s 10. He can verbalise

She won’t communicate with you/your partner which is frustrating & doesn’t want him popping round on days the kids are with her but I think you have to accept, work around it and only communicate if absolutely necessary. Going to court in an adversarial situation is stressful & nobody really wants children they love dragged into it and quizzed by a social worker so I totally understand that. It’s not as if he’s given up on seeing his kids! However it does seem as if you are at a point when getting contact legally set out will give your partner peace of mind and a better ability to plan. Re the birthday I think celebrating three days early with gifts etc is fine. A phone call on his actual birthday would also be reasonable.

If someone tried to make me see my child less I'd fight...5 mins on Google would show me how...or an appointment at the CAB, or an online forum...

If I met a bloke who told me he wished to have his children 50:50, but his ex wife was rich and he couldn't afford to fight I'd laugh at them.

He's had years. He's done nothing about it.