Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

A lot of you are getting too wrapped up in the sexes of all involved. It's not about blaming women, it just so happens OP is a woman and she did make a tone deaf insensitive comment which evidently exacerbated the situation. I'd be saying the same thing if it was a stepdad posting!!

So why didn’t get say to his dad to fuck off you slag then?

because it was only directed at a women.

after how he spoke to her DD I’d be making the same comment, letting her know that she shouldn’t be spoken to like that over just a game.

The op didn't make an insensitive comment at all and funny how the boy didn't call his dad a slag.

Enough with the excuses.

Because it was the OP and her DD who the made the comments. This isn't rocket science.

I can’t believe people are saying your dd should apologise to him. What a lesson for her! He is aggressive, unpleasant and rude but of course it has to be a woman’s fault. I wouldn’t let anyone speak to my DDs like that and, as a teacher, I don’t put up with boys speaking to girls like this at school either.

As a teacher you shouldn't put up with anyone speaking to anyone like that.

I haven’t heard many girls calling boys slags.

Well it wasn't the dad who said "it's just a game" and that is an insensitive comment to make under those circumstances.

OP your next move is so very important, it will teach your Daughter so much. Allow this lad back into your life and she will think that his behaviour was acceptable. You have to show her that violence and aggression for men is never acceptable, not even once. I would not have that lad anywhere near my daughter again.

I'm all for team he's obviously angry and hormonal because he's a teenage boy. That's very true. He was also frustrated that his team was losing, it's clear he is very passionate about the game. Also acceptable, frustration is part of life. What is NOT acceptable is aggressive behaviour, either verbal or physical. At all, no excuses - once is too many times. That line needs to be drawn very, very clearly so that both your dSS and your Dd can see it. There needs to be some serious consequences for this, and if that means that he doesn't come to your home until he can acknowledge his behaviour and apologise sincerely then so be it.

Give him all the counselling you want in the meantime, hear him and spend quality time with him, try and understand where he's coming from - great. But anyone excusing away HIS decision to become aggressive because

• he's only 13
• he loves football
• give him a break
• DD was 'winding him up'
• his parents aren't together
• Venus is rising over Saturn

is absolutely enabling him to think that violence isn't OK unless you've got a good enough excuse, and you need to raise your standards.

Oh give over. That is absolutely no excuse for him saying what he did. If you think the op saying "it's just a game" in any way warrants being called a slag, there's just no reasoning with you.

@BreeBacon

The fact is he IS male and he DID verbally abuse a woman and as we all know male on female violence far outweighs female on male violence and has far far worse outcomes

You can not ignore that he is naked and that dd and OP are female in this scenario.

You also keep repeating that the comment 'it's only a game' was in some way deserving of vile verbal abuse. Its not.

LOL.

So what's a slag?

Naked = male

Good grief

@Homeagaintobed you joke, but I had a parent excuse their son's awful behaviour with "he's a Libra, he can't help himself."

he told his dad to fuck off too but didn’t add slag. That isn’t rocket science either.

I repeat there are no excuses for what he did, but I do find it odd a bunch of adults piling on to write this kid off as 'an angry male' without once considering he needs therapy and even more odd that neither parent has recognised this or taken action.

Only read the first page but I agree re goading. It was ann important game important to him - he’s only 13 and he ended up crying.

Yes his language is appalling. It needs dealing with. Cutting him out is not the answer. He needs to feel safe.

He needs to say bloody sorry!

The sexes are irrelevant.

@BreeBacon it is relevant when so many posters and his mother are falling all over themselves to excuse his behaviour because he is a boy. Boys will be boys indeed.

I'm not a step-parent, I live with my DH and DD17 so I'm not sure if my comment is relevant etc but the post came up on 'trending' amd felt I needed ro comment.
I am appalled after reading @noonesayscheese post that so many posters came on and said yup your SS is out of order but what do you expect when your DD was loading him. I'm sorry but wtf?! Since when has asking a question been goading? People are literally making up their own narratives to vicrim blame the DD. We are all passionate about different things but at no point does that give us the right to swear and disrespect others, especially if someone is showing genuine concern for us.
I think it's lovely that you've taken time to build a relationship with your SS, OP but I agree with you that a face to face apology at least is needed. Regardless of hormones, circumstances etc at 13 swearing and violence against others will not get any better without consequences so good on you and good luck

A swear word. You can't ascertain whether he has used it in the way many of you are assuming. My siblings male and female would call each other all sorts in arguments growing up, slag, bitch, bastard, cunt you name it. Mainly just to be vile not because anyone was a genuine slag.

I'm sorry to say I can believe it!

My DD was not goading BF’s son. Goading is to annoy/provoke a person for a reaction. She literally asked him ONCE what was up, why he was upset, as she’d just come back in the room and seen he was upset. Goading? No. Then his fuck offs ensued. He was out of the room and I said to DD that, in answer to her question, I don’t know why he’s upset as it’s just a game. I did post this as an update at 14:11, but I don’t think you’ve read it.