Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

Christ. Imagine how his mum and dad would feel reading this thread with internet randoms discussing their child and describing him as some sort of male violent psycho. He is a 13 year old child going through a tough time.

@Rubylooloo he is also violent and aggressive. To his mum,dad, classmates and wider circle. Both can be true at the same time.

Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

So you know where it comes from. Nasty people without manners.

we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year.

You'd be an idiot to do this. He's away a lot on business? You'd be thrown to the wolves.

You need to put your DD at age 12 as your priority. She doesn't need this shit going into puberty.

Why oh why do women put dick before their children??!!

Start to love yourself instead of scattering it about in fallow fields.

He’s a poorly behaved little shit. If this post hasn’t been made on the step-parenting board there would be no disagreement.

Perhaps if his parents had parented him better, his step mother of 7 years wouldn’t have needed to make this post.

"Why oh why do women put dick before their children??!!"

Crikey, what a sweeping statement. Trust me, I don't. DD is a priority. And dick? I'm ill and we don't have sex, not really willing to go into detail here. However, please don't assume that I would put a man before my child, I do not, and not sure what I've said to make you assume that.

He’s a poorly behaved little shit. If this post hasn’t been made on the step-parenting board there would be no disagreement.

That just about sums it up. There’s plenty on here who would find a kid going on a stabbing rampage justifiable if it turned out that they had a stepmother.

@Rubylooloo for all your name calling and pearl clutching you still have told us how you would deal with a violent aggressive teenage boy!

C'mon we're all on tenterhooks here waiting for your superior parenting knowledge.

@BreeBacon what is my "ilk"?

Hugs etc. what an arse!! As you say, your kid is the priority and yet again we have WOMEN claiming a girl is goading. Why? To question bonkers, raised voices at her mum in her safe place ie home? You have this cooling off period and up to you how to take forward! I would tell him to remove all his crap and never darken door etc!

So what are you going to do OP?
Remember that your DD is your priority- not fixing this aggressive, misogynistic boy. Think very carefully before you welcome him back as if you decide to continue this relationship, you have many more years of this behaviour.
From your updates it sounds like you already tiptoe around him. Time to put your daughter first.

It’s hormones and he doesn’t know how to control his emotions yet so don’t take it personally. When he is device and football free and calm, he likes you because you had a good time together and he is open with you.

If he swears when he’s angry, trying to deal with the situation by making him angrier I.e by threatening to turn the game off and taking his phone off him is always going to result in more swearing. My son sometimes swears at gaming when he loses. It’s appalling. He’s in his own room so the rest of the house don’t have to hear him. I waste my breath telling him off and not to swear when he’s heightened. I can have a chat later on with him when he’s ready to listen.

His dad should talk to him about his language towards you when he’s calm. I wouldn’t let him watch on the main TV again though, if he’s going to swear like that if they lose and upset everyone else. Let him watch it on the phone in a separate room.

Sort of an aside, but there is something quite toxic in the way some (not all) males watch football. It like they channel all of their emotions into it, because they don't express them elsewhere. My DH is a football fan and I'd chuck him out if he was in the habit of reacting like that.

Your dss seems to be an unhappy kid, and he's using football to vent his anger.

😂😂😂 as usual step kids can behave in atrocious ways. It’s everyone else’s fault and they have trauma. everyone else should make allowances because SC is the only one with feelings and thoughts.

oh fucking do me a favour.

hormones, trauma, mum playing games the swearing is not acceptable and god help my kid or step kid for that matter if words like that fell out of their mouth.

bet the traumatised step kid is an absolute thug outside of the house. Oh well when he inevitably gets into police trouble he can explain to the officer he is a twat because mummy and daddy don’t love each other anymore.

There is so much stupid in this post I barely know where to start ....

Even if people want to go down the making excuses because he’s so traumatised etc route, none of that is the OP’s concern.

She has a long term boyfriend and they don’t live together. He visits her and brings his son (because her house has more room).

What the OP needs to do is focus on her daughter and not exposing her to any of this stuff. The boy’s parents can sort out his anger issues and violence.

Obviously, the OP should not be telling her DD that she’s the problem and that she must make sure to watch what she says or does lest she set off an aggressive young man. But making it clear that you won’t be inviting young men who shout at you and use misogynist insults into her home is probably a great idea.

If You buy a house with your BF and force your DD to live with this violent, angry, abusive boy, then yes you are putting a man above your child.

How would you deal with a teenager that has learned to swear in anger ? I’d love some tips from a parenting expert, because I’ve been trying with DS and he’s autistic so managing emotions is especially tricky.

The OPs stepson in the heat of the moment called her a slag. He doesn’t normally behave in a derrogative way and probably isn’t misogynistic. He was angry, the response made him angrier and he called the first person he saw the first name that came into his head. You don’t fight fire with fire, when kid is angry don’t make them angrier teach them to descalate. If I pop my head in and say don’t swear when son has just been killed in a game on Fortnite that he was very invested in I’ll get an angry response: “get out of my room you f c**. If I wait 5 mins - I heard you swear earlier - you sounded angry, make sure you take a break or stop playing that game or with those people if it’s upsetting you. It’s not nice for other people in the house to listen to that. Then usually apologises and tells me what has happened and we chat. Did you really need to swear like that? He’ll say no. Eventually he’ll grow out of it.

You have no idea if he’ll grow out of it or not

My daughter is autistic yet I don’t use it as an excuse for her swearing! She never would, she knows the rules.

The OP nor her daughter deserved to be sworn at and I am frankly quite concerned for you if your only response is ‘he’ll grow out of it’ you allow him to keep gaming and just basically enable his behaviour? Blimey.

Completely unacceptable behaviour in ANY circumstances.

It’s not enabling but in my child I know that he will grow out of it because his behaviour is less frequent since I haven’t reacted angrily to him and give him the space to calm down. Yes its not typical of autism because everyone is an individual but with my son is gets angry and he’s learned to swear and I am trying to help him to manage this. Getting angry is normal but not swearing. Trying to get them not to swear is hard, I’ve had limits, and taken away games etc. I have rules and boundaries but my son cannot control that anger and to ban gaming completely is unfair on him when it’s his favourite activity and how he socialise and it is mostly peaceful. We have limits on times which he generally sticks to but it’s the in the moment reaction of losing when he’s so focused- he swears! Honestly if the solution for the child in the story not to swear and making rules and taking the phone off then was the solution to OPs problem, it would have worked and she wouldn’t have been called any names. I don’t know whether OPs son will grow out of it but I offer my insight as a parent with a son displaying similar behaviour.

Fucking hell. It is always ALWAYS the woman's fault isn't it? Even at 12 years old. We really do start excusing boys awful behaviour at a young age don't we?
I'm assuming you don't have a problem with domestic violence rates going through the roof on match nights? After all, the woman should understand her OH is very upset at his team losing, yes?
Fucking disgraceful.
Keep this child away from your dd @noonesayscheese.

@Lugsugrvhhsgveh your experience of managing your autistic teenager’s emotions and swearing may not be entirely relevant. There is no reason to assume the SS is not NT - and a 13 year old should be able to deal more acceptably with his anger.

I have a 14 year old. I don’t tolerate shouting and throwing temper tantrums over video games. I give him a warning and he knows I’ll just cut the internet off to the PS5 if he doesn’t sort it out. My view is that, if the situation is causing him to lose control to that extent, he needs me (as his mother) to remove him from the situation so he can calm down. It’s not ‘punishment’ or a ban. It’s actually helping him in a situation he’s not functioning acceptably in.

He would never call me a cunt or whatever in response. That would earn him a punishment - and quite a lot of intervention to prevent this. His dad would be furious with him for behaving like that - and DS would know it’s never acceptable to speak to people like that. But he is NT, so I’m not juggling the considerations you might be about autism.

Ah another one.

Just to be clear, he called the 3rd person he saw a slag. Not the first.

First was DD. Second was DF. 3rd was OP.

That's a lot of opportunity to think, even at the peak of your anger. He chose to use derogatory language towards a woman.

Good to see you acknowledge that your views are in a minority. Most people don’t regard male aggression and derogatory, sexualised, misogynistic language as something to brush off.