Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

Hi @WillYouPutYourCoatOn

You've said: "I think it's quite naive to say a girl of 12 (the boy is essentially the same age at 13) would walk into a room, see someone grossly engaged in a football, shouting or head in hands, glued to the screen, "ohhhh refereeeeee!" etc, and need to ask "why are you upset?"
More likely he was clearly cross at something (missed goal, I don't know) and she deliberately commented."

This is not accurate. BD's son was on his phone and DD thought he was upset with something on his phone, not necessarily the football game, and asked why he was upset. She didn't deliberately comment or wind him up.

No-one is saying that his behaviour is acceptable and his mum dimissing it is disgusting.

All I am sayign is that a 13 year old boy is still learning to control his emotions so sayign "it is only a game" is adding fuel to an already buring fire. What is the point in doing that?

That's not what you say in your OP.

He was watching it on TV. The suggestion of watching on the phone was apparently after. She saw the football on the TV surely?

@IMustDoMoreExercise

If he reacted like that when he was an adult, I wouldn't be saying that she shouldn't have said it. A 13 year old is still learning to control their emotions, a adult should be able to control them.

Don't you see that some of the adult men who abuse women when their team loses start of as teen boys whose behaviour (shouting, telling people to fuck off, calling women slags etc) is minimised or excused?

Who then grow up to believe that it is in part true that their 'love' of the game gives them a free pass to be aggressive to women?

Do you really not see the link?

This! We’re season ticket holders (DH, DSD8 and me) and our team is pretty shit 😂 so we hear a lot of people getting very worked up!

We sometimes have a wee rant about the teams performance walking back to our car. Then that’s it til the following week!

We now how we react informs how she reacts and how she’ll expect a future partner to react. No man should be given a free pass to be rude and aggressive because of a game. Inputting that starts young.

He sounds like a thoroughly unpleasant boy. You should be grateful he’s not already living in your house op.

His dad did the right thing in the moment, but I wouldn’t be rushing to have him in your home for a period of time.

He was probably looking at his phone whilst having the football on. Multi screen use is hardly a new concept.

But I'm not saying that what he did was ok.

I'm not minimising his behaviour. What have I said to make you think that I am?

His behaviour was totally unacceptable and the fact that his mother is minimising it is disgusting.

He should be severely punished and if it was me I probably wouldn't let him in my house again.

But what I am saying is the OP should not have said it is only a game because it was just adding fuel to the fire. He is a teenage boy and he cannot control his emotions like an adult.

@WillYouPutYourCoatOn... the game was on the TV, BF's son was watching it and using his phone at the same time, like looking up at the TV every so often. My DD was genuinely concerned, believe me. It seems there is a lot of detail I left out from an already detailed OP, such as my DD not goading him (which is, by definition, to annoy/provoke a person for a reaction - which she did not do) but if I put it all in, I'd be like a four page essay and/or probably still writing it!

No, but it's rather misleading to omit this and say he was watching a specially purchased match on the TV and upset his team was losing, if what you really meant was: he was on his phone with a TV on in the background.

I suggest the former was more likely, but the latter will now become the story because it exonerates DD.

I agree with this.

Tbh I've never known a 13 year old swear at a parental figure...so that alone would put me off him and the family. Swear in general, yes and maybe the odd 'fuck off' to a friend (in a joking voice). But swear at a parental figure? No.

If your daughter wants nothing to do with him, then I'd support her and stay well clear of the son in future. No buying a house with his father etc etc.

I think you and your BF need to have a chat and he can talk to his son one to one.

You are right to insist on an apology of course. Don’t engage with the mother.
engage with him, the son, you talk like that you won’t be welcome here.

This boy has worrying, deep seated anger issues. you need to take a step back from this boy , for a good number of months / years. It's not acceptable that you or especially DD are exposed to this behaviour. For the love of god do not buy a property with your BF.

It's not about excuses, more about understanding. There has been no evidence of either of his parents taking him to some type of counselling which he desperately needs by the sound of it!

Yes, I'm sure that's what you thought.

My DF says exactly the same thing.

Which is exactly what I said in the first place.

The comment upthread, that if a woman is upset at having the repulsive, misogynistic epithet 'slag' flung at her then she should look to her own behaviour as the reason, wins the thread. For the avoidance of doubt this isn't a compliment.

Who'd have thought that this site is primarily intended as a support resource geared mainly to a female demographic? A lot of its members have a deep-seated, visceral hatred of women.

No excuse for his behaviour
I have been called scouse scum by a fully grown woman with children in tow after a Liverpool victory

Certain football games do bring out very extreme emotions. I absolutely love football and love LFC, but I just cry when it goes wrong

I would not accept being called a slag, I have 3 football crazy boys, I would be totally ashamed if they said that in retaliation for 'it's only a game.' The fact it is more than that is completely irrelevant, they have boundaries

If I ever need to provide some clear evidence to explain why so many boys grow up with the same sense of entitlement and lack of boundaries as the men that came before them, I’m just going to pull up this thread and all the people determined to excuse this crap and
blame the women.

So you would start teaching a 12 year old girl that when men abuse them and call them vile names it's their fault and they shouldn't have upset them.
Jesus weeps.

@BreeBacon good job Bree. Let's start telling girls that violence and aggression is the woman's fault and if only the womens were kinder to the mens then they wouldn't have to scream vile names at them huh?

The boy is struggling for sure. He's pushing his mother about. Yes punching kids at school and he's verbally abusing the OP and her dd. He needs help for sure. But that doesn't include blaming women for hus obviously out of control behaviour

Personally I wouldn’t have him around until he gave a face to face apology to you and DD.

Until he does that and realises he can’t use such abusive language I wouldn’t have him over or be spending any time with him.

It’s unacceptable and I wouldn’t be happy for My DD to think a boy/man can use such vile language and not even say sorry at the very least!

There would also be no more football in my house until he matured and showed that he can watch a match without turning into a Twat.

When I was a youth worker I saw loads of perfectly normal lads turn into frothing violent pack animals when watching football matches. It is horrible to witness, especially over what is supposed to be just a game of kicky-ball. But because it’s male behaviour - it’s tolerated as normal and acceptable and we shouldn’t challenge it. It’s just ‘sporting’ banter.

I tell you op - that lad would have to do a LOT of apologising, grovelling and repair work before he’d be welcome at my house again. Your BF should be supporting you too. And football would be banned!

OP the boy needs help but it's not your job to deal with. He has two parents. It's up to them to get the lad the help he needs.

Physically pushing his mother, punching people at school and verbally abusing you is way out of line. It may be a cry for help but that doesn't mean it's acceptable or something to push under a carpet.

I would make it clear that you and your DD s safety is paramount and he is not welcome until he apologies and has help. His mother really is nit helping so it may be on your dp alone. The school must be in contact if he is punching people.

The boy needs professional help before he gets so far into his violent and aggressive reactions that he ends up in real trouble.