Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

@BreeBacon

A lot of you are getting too wrapped up in the sexes of all involved.

Funnily enough the teenage boy didn't call his dad a slag though, did he? He called OP a slag. His language was aggressive and misogynistic.

The sexes involved are entirely relevant, especially considering the other child is a girl who will during her lifetime unfortunately be exposed to both aggression and misogyny from men and is being taught now in real time how to deal with it.

The sexes are crucial in this specific incident.

No, not because he is a boy, but because he is a child with previous anger issues and he was wound up further (whether intentional or not) whilst already annoyed. I'd say exactly the same for a girl in this situation. But the radicals of MN can't help turn everything into a battle of the sexes.

If a 13 year old girl was watching a Taylor Swift concert, the tv cut out so it stopped playing and she got upset, then a step parent said 'I don't know why she's so upset, it's just a concert' and the girl said "fuck off you slag" would we really have people leaping to the child's defence and saying well clearly Taylor Swift is very important to her so it's not 'just' a concert?

No. We'd have endless people calling her a brat and immature. Saying quite rightly that such behaviour is appalling.

Football seems to be a magic free pass for boys when it comes to aggression and abuse, it's incredible to witness it on this thread.

No because the dad didn't proceed to talk about it or minimise his feelings within earshot after he had left the room crying. He evidently felt 'talked about' and threw out that extra insult.

@BreeBacon

But the radicals of MN can't help turn everything into a battle of the sexes.

Hardly radical for women to take a hard line on teenage boys saying "fuck off you slag" to a woman, is it?

It's radical to get so incensed over the use of a particular swear word in a heated situation, merely because it is typically aimed at women and then to assume he is a vile misogynist in the making when not one of us can determine he actually meant it or thinks his SM is genuinely a slag. To then go even further and make this more about the sexes of the people involved when that is probably the least relevant detail to focus on in this whole debacle is again IMO indicative of radical feminists taking any opportunity to assume 'sexism' is behind it all.

Demonise the boy because he said 'slag.' Would it have mattered as much if he had called her a wanker? Would it be more acceptable if it was a SD shouting slag? It's all irrelevant. What is relevant is his behaviour and why it hasn't been addressed. The fact the SS tells his own mother that OP winds him up is rather telling and might explain the outburst. I refuse to think an adult could be so unaware of the effects of their own comments in a situation where a child is already crying.

10th page

you asked ' Going forward, what do I do. '

What are you going to do ?

T@BreeBacon the fact that his own mother dismisses his behaviour with "boys will be boys" it also says a lot.

Demonise the boy because he said 'slag.'

This goes way beyond the name calling, obviously. He has significant anger and self-control issues, and he's violent with his classmates and his parents. The op would be negligent to allow this boy around her daughter.

We’re on the same page then 👍

Initially I was in shock thinking how dare he but actually I can see this is a child that needs help. My parents separated when I was 12 and I never had any support or counseling and I just got on with it. It was very difficult and I just broke down. This change although it has been present for years may never have felt like it was an option for him. Hormones of course could play a big part. Does he have a safe space in your house? It can be very difficult to feel comfortable in a home that isn't urs, its not ur dads with ur dads gf and her daughter its essentially ur home not his and no matter how nice u r to him and welcoming that feeling doesnt go away trust me ie been there. U feel like a guest. His anger outbursts would concern me though the physical aspect does he struggle to communicate his emotions so sorts to physical perhaps he would benfit from counseling to show him how to express his feelings. Is there any possible adhd/asd? I only ask as my son would be the same he goes from 0-60 quickly and struggles to communicate why he's angry or understand his feelings so would lash out

I read your first post and now your update. It is goading. You minimised his feelings and humiliated him "it's only a game" when he was clearly already very upset and crying.

He is 13 years old, not a grown man. You said he confides in you. You undermined that trust and now you are suggesting cutting him out. He should apologise to you and you should accept it and acknowledge how you made him feel. You are the adult here.

@Rubylooloo

I said "it's only a game" to my own daughter, not BF's son. Because it is literally a game of football. She was really confused by it all, as was I, and I said to her that it is a game to explain the context of it. He was not in the room. Not sure when his supersonic hearing kicked in. At that point, my concern was my daughter and her wellbeing because she was becoming upset that her mum had been called a slag. I've never said I am cutting him out, or suggested it.

Did the children he punched in school goad him? Did his mum goad him when he pushed her? Did his dad goad him when he tried to hit him?

People like you are the reason so many women don't bother telling anyone when they're being beaten up.

@Thewondererhasreturned, yes, he has a room in my house, with a TV, bed, some of his stuff. He has a space.

To everyone, I've read all (I think) the comments and thank you. Some food for thought. I really tried to provide enough info in the OP but sometimes it's never enough. Small details like if he was on his phone at the same time were seemingly more important to some posters than the fact that he was able just use the word Slag so free and easy like it's part of his everyday vocabulary. To iterate, there was no goading, I'd he the first to put my hands up if that was the case. Goading could justify a "fuck off" from him, but not calling a woman a slag, that said, there was NO goading from anyone - if anything, we tiptoe around him when he watches football as he gets mad easily. If you're new to this post, please read through my updates before commenting.

People like her? Trying to understand the reasons why a child has anger issues is in no way comparable to defending a violent adult abuser. Another radical comment.

A 13-year-old child. Who has tried to use violence against both his parents and children at school. A 13 year old child that told OP's dd to "fuck off" because she dared ask a question. A 13 year old child that called the OP a "fucking slag".

Yes, people like her. People that blame a 12 YEAR OLD because a teenage boy can't control his anger.

Yet not one of the adults in his life have attempted to help him. Who is really at fault here?

Your comment doesn't address how you got the notion that anyone on here would defend criminal adult men who like to batter women. Bizarre.

You sound unhinged to be honest. This is a 13 year old child we are talking about.

This is a child who clearly has issues going on, who trusted you enough to confide in you - that's massive by the way - and that is the comment you choose to post. It drips with contempt towards him.

I wouldn't have him in my house ever again. there is no excuse for that language or behaviour, I cannot believe some posters are using the excuse that hes passionate about the football.

Stop being so dramatic. There’s no contempt.

As someone who also sounds "unhinged" but thinks she's right. Tell me, how would YOU deal with a violent aggressive 13 year old boy?

Are you new here? Bless, you've got a lot to learn.

I'm old here and have your ilk marked a mile off.