Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

Of course I am in the minority for attempting to understand a MALE child's aggression. MN is often the bra burning brigade.

I certainly didn't say it needs brushing off, quite the contrary actually. I believe I am one of the only people who have suggested this poor bugger needs some therapy and asap.

“Bra burning brigade”.

You sound utterly ridiculous.

@BreeBacon

MN is often the bra burning brigade.

The misogyny drips off this phrase doesn't it?

About as ridiculous as a bunch of grown women slagging off a child.

It’s interesting how any criticism of a male person’s behaviour (whatever age) is ‘slagging off’.

But of course, we are just the ‘bra burning brigade’. 🙄

Gives you a clear sense of the sort of demographic lately infiltrating this site.

It doesn't even deserve to be taken seriously, or given a considered response. It's transparent.

No, I'd say the same had it been a SD. But believe what your want to suit your 'sexism' narrative.

this isn’t true and you know it. You have criticised the DD as ‘goading’ for asking what is the matter ONCE.

But aggression and misogyny are totally fine with you.

Utter bullshit. I also haven't used the language 'goading', believe what you need to.

OP - I think its important that you don't consider moving in together until this is resolved. Your priority is your DD.

Your boyfriend's priority should be his son though and at the moment it doesn't sound like he his. I understand that people have to work but ultimately if his work is taking him away from his troubled teenage son for long periods of time he needs to look for a new local job. How often does he see his son, is it regular, is he available at short notice to deal with issues at school?
I also think it's inappropriate for him to drop his son "home" when he's displaying poor behaviour (assuming that it was a consequence of his bad behaviour).

Ultimately, the child should be at "home" with both parents. If both the child's parents aren't providing equal parenting and a "home" (as opposed to house space) for their son then it's little wonder that he responds so poorly to attempts at discipline from his father.

It's incredibly important that both this child's parents focus on resolving his issues as a matter of urgency. I would suggest that your boyfriend finds a therapist for his son as soon as possible. At 13 there's still time to change this without the consequences being too severe - in a few years he could be facing life long consequences.

Ultimately, and as much as I understand the experience wasn't pleasant for you or your DD, this is not your problem.

I'd also point out that you and your DD openly questioning his feelings and reactions was adding fuel to flames when he was already wound up, he probably felt ganged up on and mocked. You should have been more aware than that.

So it's acceptable for her DD to invalidate her SS feelings?

Because it was the OP and her DD who the made the comments. This isn't rocket science

MN is often the bra burning brigade.

maybe @BreeBacon doubt use the word ‘goading’ and just employed various other ways that blamed the women for a teenage boys aggression and misogyny towards them (to build upon other posters’ use of goading).

But it’s definitely not just something I dreamed up. 🤦🏻‍♀️ These are just some of the ‘blame the women’ quotations from this thread.

Ridiculous. I would never tolerate my child speaking to me that way. Its revolting.

Eventually he’ll grow out of it.

This is the sort of thing you say about small children doing things that don’t matter that much.

I’m not sure I’d take that ’oh well; it’ll pass’ approach with a teenager that has learned to verbally abuse people when he’s angry. That feels like something that needs proper intervention.

I would never let any of my sons talk to me - or anyone else - like that. Being angry is not an excuse for it. And teenage boys (in particular) need to learn that being angry is not an excuse for behaving in ways that harm others.

Congratulations, you have the uncomplicated ability of cherry picking extracts from comments thereby taking them out of context and pushing your agenda. You should write for The Guardian.

This behaviour would be a nope from me. I wouldn’t feel safe in my home and would act to protect my kids by saying he is not welcome and can have contact with his dad elsewhere. How vile.

I certainly think a cooling-off period would be appropriate. And, sorry to say, DSS would not be in my home until this had elapsed, and I wouldn't even consider buying a house with DP in the circumstances. This behaviour is very definitely unacceptable and, if not addressed now, could cause him (not to mention those who interact with him) serious issues as he grows up.

Neither OP nor her DD need nor deserve to be exposed that.

As one of the more measured PPs upthread points out, it seems some professional intervention is needed to address this boy's pent-up anger.

But that is the responsibility of his own parents. OP's priority is her own DD.

At the very least no games or tv watching at the OP’s house. If a person can’t handle fire they can’t play with matches.

Stop holding girls to a higher standard than boys. If him swearing, getting angry over a game and punching other kids at school is all understandable, why isn’t OPs daughter being less than perfect also understandable?

OP his mum sounds like an absolute drip who refuses to address his behaviour so it’s no wonder it’s getting worse. Sadly I doubt living with her is in his best interests.

Another was blaming the OP for being offended suggesting it brought up feelings she has about herself.
Having children should require a license.