Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

Ahh the classic mumsnet response towards step-parenting, excusing any poor behaviour by the kids because 'they're so traumatised by the separation'.

I'd love to know where OP said that was the reason for his anger issues...

I am a bit depressed that the first response tries to shift the blame onto your DD (‘goading’ 🙄).

Seriously? It IS only a game. And he’s 13, not 3.

I think it's perfectly reasonable that a 12 year old girl, possibly seeing someone having a massive over reaction to a football match for the first time, might ask 'why are you so upset?'

Funny how her behaviour is unreasonable and 'goading' and that at 12 she should have known better but his behaviour at 13 is perfectly reasonable and he is 'hormonal' and a 'moody teenager' and his outburst should be excused.

There is a real element of 'look what you made me do' going on with some of the posts here and I say that having parented teens of both sexes. Bit of shouting, maybe storming off to room to avoid further conflict I think falls within the hormonal remit; this was not.

I agree with those saying to keep some distance for the time being and allow BF to parent at his flat. You could perhaps ask him to convey to son that you are hurt, that you think he's a nice person, you like him and it was a shock to you both. He is walking a difficult path keeping both parents on side and happy and it is no doubt causing him some stress.

God the use of gaslighting and goading to basically justify a young man’s aggression on the pretext of football.

So utterly depressing.

It's not 'just a game' to him, is it? It was a treat, for him, and instead of enjoying it he lost control of his emotions (because he's a 13yo boy) and got bemusement followed by threats and punishment. Now he's being excluded, another punishment.

None of these actions will build up your relationship, none of these will actions will teach him how to manage his emotions.

What would have happened if you'd commiserated with him about the game?

This is not to say his behaviour is in any way acceptable. But if you want it to change you need to work on the bond that builds up his own ability to identify and direct his emotions. Because his brain hasn't finished growing yet, and he his big emotions inside.

Not excusing either. DD was goady DSS was reasonably upset but reacted in an unreasonable way. The people most to blame were OP and BF for not nipping it in the bud and escalating it with stupid comments and threats to turn the match off.

It's all a lot of something over nothing and after he apologises it should be put to bed .

You can really spot the people who are anti football and have no experience of teen boys.

100% this.
People blaming the girl for the boy's behaviour, when he's got form.

The boy called her a slut!

God, I would have been grounded for months and given bread & butter for tea for a week if my parents heard my say that to anybody 😂

Why do we validate male aggression and temper tantrums on the basis of football?

No wonder so many women and children fear men coming home when their team loses.

Jesus Christ. Is there no end of excuses for first children? And boys?

You need to protect your daughter’s space and safety by not getting a house for all 4 of you to live in.

He sounds vile. Completely unacceptable behaviour and football IS only a bloody game, imagine the kind of violent hooligan he’ll turn into if this isn’t shut down immediately .

don’t have them round until he can be trusted to behave , simple solution.

I blame the girl for her unacceptable behaviour.

I blame the boy for his.

I blame the parents for not nipping it in the bud immediately

I wouldn't have him back in my house, not for a long time!

What does that teach your DD? She should be your priority, not your relationship and boyfriend's son's hurt feelings and temper tantrum.

As a stepmum myself I can almost guarantee that is the reason for his anger issues. I have had to deal with this scenario x10. I am only just realising now just how badly damaged my SS was about being split between 2 homes and having a bitter and twisted mother pouring vitriol in his ear. My SS was an absolute nightmare at 12 to the point I thought my marriage would break down, the whole house would be in tears due to his outburst after coming back from his mums house. I could barely stand him at one point.
However, I am so glad I gave him time and patience, because he was a changed boy by 15 and is now a fantastic young man.

Being a SP isn't for the faint of heart.

I agree and particularly with your last paragraph. Not much sign of the emotional maturity the OP mentions but OPs comment wasn't any better.

I think you, your DD and your partner’s son all owe each other an apology.

I am also taken aback that slut is crossing the line but randomly punching people and being aggressive towards parents isn’t.

Well the apologists for male aggression are out in force today. This boy has form for being violent and angry, but bless him it's not his fault.

OP do not continue to inflict this angry young man on your daughter, and forget moving in together. I can't believe you ever considered it given his previous violent behaviour.

He is 13 and his behaviour is unacceptable. He lost his temper and found he couldn’t control it. It’s something he needs to learn.

However, having someone repeating ‘why are you upset?’ When you are wound up doesn’t help.

If you leave a room cause you are angry and can hear 2 people still doing the ‘why is he upset’ and the other agreeing ‘yeah it’s just a game’, it’s not going to help anyone. Doesn’t make what he did any better, but it didn’t help.

It’s not acceptable to engage like that. However, lots of people have lost their temper, to the point of being unreasonable and swearing and gone on to be perfectly reasonable people.

Women even post here about losing their shit and shouting at their kids and husbands and are met with plenty of sympathy because this stuff occasionally happens.

I think when everything has calmed down and your bf is back you need to reevaluate. If your dd really never wants to spend time with him again and the bond you have with him is irrevocably damaged, then it might be the end of the relationship.

Or everyone might be over it and he may have sincerely apologise. Or you might decide to start with small times all together and work back up again.

Your do needs to parent his son. He doesn’t need his ex agreement or her to agree with him. He just needs to parent his son and help him learn to control his anger and aggression.

Anybody who came to my house and started calling me a slag and telling me to fuck off would quickly find themselves ejected from the property and not allowed back in.

You can't say his anger issues are his fault and as you don't know what has caused them or what help they have sought to have them addressed.

Funnily enough most of things teenage girls like, especially music is very much treated as a lower form of art, by men especially. Teenage girls for the most part don’t find this goading and respond with aggression.

Your dh needs to have a serious chat with him about managing his anger issues and he really needs to apologise.
But the circumstances around the game were a perfect storm really - threatening to switch off etc. My dh gets quite stressed about his football team (though never aggressive), and much as I want to laugh at him for it, that's not nice. Instead I sympathise and also give him space (and because he's an adult he switches off and does something to take his mind off it like cooking or DIY). In future you may want to avoid watching together (esp. as you and your dd don't seem interested) and your bf needs to talk to him about coping strategies and managing the emotions he has when he watches games that go badly, learning to manage those feelings will be useful for his general emotional regulation.

To those saying my DD was goading BF’s son, she absolutely wasn’t. Goading is to annoy/provoke a person for a reaction. She literally asked him ONCE what was up, why he was upset, as she’d just come back in the room and seen he was upset. Goading? No. Then his fuck offs ensued. He was out of the room and I said to DD that, in answer to her question, I don’t know what he’s upset as it’s just a game. How he heard me is beyond me but hey ho. It’s literally called a football game. And he is sadly the sort of kid who actually hates any other team, he doesn’t see it as a game/match, he sees it as a tribe war.

To me it sounds like it would be beneficial if all parties apologised to each other here as it doesn't sound particularly well handled by anyone.

Even if you don't understand why he was so upset, you/your daughter could just say 'sorry I know it was important to you' and he can apologise for the swearing and calling you an awful name. Dad can maybe apologise for not handling it better, the boy tried to remove himself from the situation as he was angry and then taking his phone and preventing him was probably the worst thing to do. The swearing could have been addressed later.