Called a slag by BF's son...

[noonesayscheese]

A lot of detail to avoid drip feeding. Not sure if this belongs in step parenting as he’s technically not my stepson…

Me and my DD12 live separately to my boyfriend (of 6 years). BF has a son from previous marriage; DS13. We all hang out a lot and my BF and his son are at my house a lot as it’s generally more spacious than his flat. BF works away a fair bit so when he’s back he spends a lot of time with us. It’s a set up that suits us and we’re talking about buying a bigger property together next year. We all get along. We had a day out to Alton Towers on Saturday and me and BF’s son separated off from my DD and BF as we wanted to go on some rides that they were not interested in. He confides in me and I get the impression that he values our time together when it’s just me and him, he was telling me about his new girlfriend. On Sunday we were all in my house and BF’s son was watching a football match on the TV, that we’d bought ‘pay per view’ as a treat. His team were losing and he was getting more and more moody and told my daughter to fuck off because she was asking why he’s so upset. His dad told him off and said if he talks like that again, the TV will go off. He then told his dad to fuck off and he’d watch it on his phone. His dad took his phone off him. At this point he was telling his dad to F off over and over and saying he hates it at my house. He went into the other room and started crying so his dad went after him. My daughter asked why he’s being like that and I said I don’t know as it’s just a game. The son then raged and shouted at me to “fuck off yer slag”. It was said very aggressively. His dad then took him home. BF spoke to his mum who said it’s just his hormones and used “boys will be boys” to qualify it. She also said that he often says that I am horrible to him and I wind him up whenever I’m with him. This surprised me as I absolutely do not and I believe he gives his mum this narrative.

I can cope with a 13 year old telling me to F off, but the slag comment was made so easily, as if he just pulled it from his every day vocabulary and I wonder if he talks like this normally, with his friends. I’ve raised my daughter to not engage with toxic behaviour and saying that to a woman is designed to belittle her. She’s understandably upset that he called her mother a slag. She’s old enough and very emotionally mature to know her mind.

BF’s son has always gone from 0-60 with his anger, he has punched classmates and his pushed his own mum in a fit of rage. He’s tried to hit his dad in the past (BF able to dodge the attempts). He hasn’t apologised to me and in his mum’s words, it was my fault and I deserved his anger because I should know it’s more than a game to him.

Going forward, what do I do. My daughter wants nothing to do with him. I am concerned that he can just use language like that and his mum thinks it’s someone else’s fault. My BF is as dumbfounded as me. I don’t really want that sort of behaviour in my home. BF is now away for two weeks and I won’t see his son until he’s home, I feel like the bond and trust that me and BF’s son had is now destroyed. PS, we have tried to meet with the mum in the past, but she’s always refused to meet me, so meeting up to discuss this is not an option. Whenever I’ve dropped off BF’s son to her house, I’m mostly met with a look of contempt.

OP has provided context for both of these if you read her posts. Her daughter did not goad him at all. She wasn’t in the room and didn’t know why he was upset. She is a girl living with her mother and likely has no experience of men freaking out about sports, so she wouldn’t have known or understood. She walked in, saw he was upset, and asked him what was wrong. He immediately got aggressive and started telling her to fuck off.

His mother behaves strangely towards the OP, refuses to see her, and talks badly about her. Her son is just telling her what he thinks she wants to hear.

I don't think anyone is condoning his reaction. Absolutely unacceptable, and he needs to learn far better coping mechanisms.

I think it's very disingenuous to pretend the DD, the dad and OP's comments had nothing to do with his reaction though.

His behaviour is totally unaccetable and you didn't do anything wrong.

But I am a football fan and it isn't just a game to me. Saying that when my team was losing would really upset me too.

But if you're a football fan, like me, it isn't just a game and saying that to someone who is upset already does not help.

His behaviour was totally acceptable, but the OP needs to realise that football isn't just a game to football fans and to some 13 year old football fans, it is everything.

I think it's quite naive to say a girl of 12 (the boy is essentially the same age at 13) would walk into a room, see someone grossly engaged in a football, shouting or head in hands, glued to the screen, "ohhhh refereeeeee!" etc, and need to ask "why are you upset?"

More likely he was clearly cross at something (missed goal, I don't know) and she deliberately commented.

Exaclty. It is not victim blaming to say that parents have a responsibility not to make the situation worse by saying things like "it is only a game" when it clearly isn't to him.

100% this.

No it is not the same at all..

The sort of blokes who beat women up do not need an excuse, they will just do it becasue they are drunk and angry. It has nothing to do with what the woman did or didn't do.

What makes you think I'm not a football fan.

I have a season ticket and yes, it's disappointing when my team lose or they've played abominably but it is just a game.

If they lose I still live, I still get paid, I still have my house so I do not understand the excessive distress and antisocial behaviour caused by a football game. It's meant to be enjoyed.

Can I ask what EXACTLY did the OP say to goad her SS into calling her a SLAG? What did the dd say EXACTLY that goaded the SS into telling her to eff off?

Or do you just not believe that men and boys should ever be held accountable for their behaviour? Do you believe whenever a woman or girl is abused by a male they goaded them into doing it? WTF is wrong with you?

I would absolutely expect a face to face apology when you see him next. His mother is doing him no favours making excuses for his unacceptable behaviour. Yes teens can struggle with regulating emotions while their hormones are all over the place but that doesn't mean that they shouldn't recognise when they've hurt other people's feelings and an apology is necessary. I would hold off on any plans for moving in together for a good few years yet. Parenting difficulties can put a massive strain on a relationship and your DD deserves to live in a peaceful household. Your BF will have to be the parent who teaches his son about being respectful to others as his mother isn't going to step up.

Statements like this are the reason domestic violence against women goes up tenfold when there are big football matches on.

I'm also a football fan. I hate it when people talk or get in the way of the telly when a game is on, do I abuse them for doing it? No, because I'm not an aggressive twat.

I didn't say that you werent' a football fan, but everyone is different. Just because you can control your emotions and don't get excessively distressed does not mean that a 13 year old boy is able to (or even a 56 year old woman like me).

My team is playing tonight and I have been nervous all day. You probably woldn't be, but I am. We are all different.

Of course I try to enjoy it, but I am not always able to control my emotions.

No, they really aren't.

The sort of blokes who beat women up do not need an excuse, they will just do it becasue they are drunk and angry. It has nothing to do with what the woman did or didn't do.

The fact that the 13yo's mother normalizes and accepts misogyny makes it even more important that his dad speaks up about it and makes sure the son knows the impact and why it's unacceptable. It sounds like the parents have joint custody of the son - while it's desirable that they act as a team if possible when raising him and setting standards, it sounds like that's not possible right now. Given that the incident happened while he was with his dad and involved his dad's girlfriend and her daughter - people the mum doesn't know and doesn't want to deal with - means the dad should fully handle the incident and the mother's reaction is really beside the point.

It may be understandable why the son snapped, but if he had simply said "leave me alone!" and "I don't want to talk with you right now", the situation would be much less serious. Maybe "slag" is just a word he's picked up and uses without thinking. Maybe not. He probably knows a lot of words that are offensive and discriminatory in various ways. He's 13. His dad needs to teach him to behave like a decent person, regardless of the mum's abilities and attitudes. That certainly includes apologizing to you, but there's no point unless he genuinely means it. Given the broader context the dad has to get to grips with the son's issues - for the sake of your relationship, sure, but most importantly for the son's sake.

Good for your daughter for being aware that misogynist attitudes and language are unacceptable and eliminating them from her life where she can - it's not easy when you're twelve, and so many girls and women just accept normalised misogyny as "how it is". Consciously cutting it out where you can is a good strategy.

Yes he can bloody help it, please stop making excuses for bloody awful behaviour. This lad is violent and abusive, yes his home life may be chaotic and i am sure he feels lost and could really do with a lot of one to one time with his dad, but violence can never be excused.

You're right, we are all different.

I hope your team win ☺️

Er, ok so why do the rates of domestic violence go up during big sports tournaments? And if he's THIS aggressive at 13, wtf is he going to be like at 23?

You need to keep your daughter out of this for a start.

I'd leave them to it, this is got "giant mess you'll get mired in with no way out" written all over it.

All the enabling comments on here are madness. This wasn’t a one off outburst in response to persistent goading. This was behaviour in line with a pattern of behaviour whereby he has outbursts and is aggressive when frustrated, with the added misogynistic name calling towards a female he should have respect for. Should he be given a little more understanding because he’s a teenager, and his brain is still developing and he has a more shallow understanding of the world, yes. Does that mean everybody should tiptoe around him and avoid angering him. Hell fucking no. He needs education, support to regulate himself better and accountability in terms of being made to apologise and experiencing a consequence like losing a privilege. If he doesn’t have that you’re doing him a disservice because he is going to turn out to be someone who can’t maintain a job, friendships, or romantic and family relationships.

@IMustDoMoreExercise

You rather dismissed a PP's comment linking domestic violence to football fans but it's a very well known link.

www.cps.gov.uk/cps/news/world-cup-there-no-excuse-domestic-abuse

www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-world-cup-england-win-b2237666.html

www.ncdv.org.uk/the-not-so-beautiful-game/

Reported incidents of domestic viol nice increase by 26% if England plays, 38% if England loses and 11% the next day, win or lose.

Horrific.

They go up because the abusers are drunk and angry if their team loses. That combination will result in them being more likely to beat up their partners. It has nothing to do with what the woman says or does.

No, I am sure there is a link. But what I was saying was that it had nothing to do with what the woman said or did.

The OP upset a 13 year old who was already emotional and upset. She should have known better than to say "it is only a game " as she is an adult and should know better.

If he reacted like that when he was an adult, I wouldn't be saying that she shouldn't have said it. A 13 year old is still learning to control their emotions, a adult should be able to control them.

@IMustDoMoreExercise and you really don't see the link between that and being told it's normal and acceptable to get angry about football and their behaviour ,outbursts,language being minimised and excused when younger?

Oh nevermind i see you're in the "you made him do it" camp.