“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Thanks ladies. Despite putting up for this for so long I am not an idiot and I can see through what he is trying to do. Yesterday was just a bit of a down day. I made a list of all the reasons I left for whenever I’m feeling / doubting myself that I’m the reason the good man stopping showing up. I’m not the reason that person just never existed.

I have an appointment with the freedom programme next Tuesday to ensure I don’t get sucked back in.

my friends and family would listen to me but I know they’d ask me why I’m upset about something being over and why I’d feel sad about something that was bad. I think maybe I know they’d be right because I’m angry at me for being angry.

as for blocking. Currently I do some weekend shifts that we sometimes have to discuss I.e cover for said shifts. I have blocked him on everything except text. If it continues I will tell him I’m blocking his number and he can email me regarding shifts.

best bit of all of this was he was on tinder 2 days after moving out 🤦🏼‍♀️ an old work colleague sent me a screen grab to say your partner is on tinder so not only did I have to explain not my partner I had to deal with the emotions of his decision to be dating within 2 days of leaving and the reality his words were empty and I was meaningless.

just all a bit much

His shitty messages should be good validation that you’ve done the right thing xx

@EG94 absoluely echo what @HebburnPokemon says. Every time you are thinking anything about it just remind yourself, that this is exactly why you did what you did and you are so, so much better off without him. You're being so strong. Keep going. Keep writing those lists! x

Thanks ladies. Doesn’t help my appointment to try and get some support has been moved back to the end of the month. After saying the awful things which I didn’t reply to, he then contacted me again and said all the nice shit. I did respond and I said

I have not contacted you for a reason, I do not wish to engage with you other than work. You sent abusive messages now you send grovelling messages. I do not want to play your games or be back with you. If you continue to contact me about anything other than the shifts I will have no other option but to block you. I will then only be contactable by email to discuss the shifts and the shifts alone. If your next step is to tell me I can’t have the shifts, that is fine, let me know.

I did not receive a reply

Hello ladies, it's been a while.... @EG94 I hope you're doing well.

Can I just have a quick vent here please... It really is petty, but after several years of this it just sometimes really gets to me. I am clearly invisible to SD. I was out this morning, and as I came home I called out hello. DP responded and then came and said hello, as he was on way out with SD & SS. SS said hello, and went outside to leave, and SD walks past me, and leaves the house saying 'come on Dad'. It just stings and hurts. She's 19, almost 20. I've only ever been nice to her, (& this is acknowledged by DP), it isn't my imagination. It hurts to feel so irrelevant to be ignored in my own home.

Her towels are on the floor by the washing machine (which is what her Dad asks her to do when they need a wash). I'll be damned if I'm loading them, and probably DP will forget (just because he's a man, not because he's a bad person, if I remind him, he would do them). I feel like folding them back up and putting back in her bathroom because I honestly do not give a sh*t anymore. I'm not doing anything for somebody who cannot even acknowledge my presence.

There really is no backstory. We've been together around 10 years, living together for nearly 4, (EOW with kids), and she's just going through a particularly difficult teenage time (late teens, I think due to Covid...)... but it still hurts. I've done my best over the last 10 years to only be good to them all, all the effort has to come from me, and yet it is always me that is slapped in the face. I know it isn't a big deal, these are just silly little things, but it is just constantly being ignored in my own home.

@bananasaredelicious thanks for asking. I’m enjoying my peace and step child free life. The quality instantly improved!

why does your husband not pull her up for not responding because that’s just pure rudeness.

if putting the unwashed towel back gives you a small victory and gotcha moment, do it - it’s harmless 😁

@EG94 Thank you for replying quickly! I'm so pleased to hear that things are good! If I wasn't so in love, I would be hot on your heels, but our relationship is actually really special and I can't imagine not being together.

Good question, why doesn't he pull her up on it! The truth, I think, is that he is petrified of losing her. They are one of these families with practically no boundaries, where the kids rule the roost. We've had a lot of counselling where we've got to the point where he really respects me and my space and time when they are around etc, but he just can't discipline them. It's just what I think is the normal divorced dad guilt. He's a v adoring Dad, and would do anything for them, which includes spoiling them a lot, (which tbh isn't doing them any favours, but I shouldn't judge!!).

I'm going to leave the towels there today, and if they are still there tomorrow morning when he goes to work, (I wfh), I'll either hang them up again so they appear freshly washed, or just dump them in the bath (she has her own bathroom), so she can see they weren't done. I just need to decide which. Probably the first option otherwise all hell may break loose 😂

Well if he can’t discipline is daughter he won’t have a leg to stand on to call you out 😊 I don’t know how you live with that. I would loose my mind.

maybe time you stopped doing a single thing for his daughter and explain until I’m respected don’t expect a single thing from me. I’d also stop communicating. May seem petty but you can only try so much before you say enoughs enough xx

I used to put things like this in a carrier bag. And later on say in front of everyone. There were towels by the washing machine and they were in my way so they are in a carrier in the hall/utility room. Tidy but not washed! Good luck

@socks1107 I LOVE that idea! Thank you. That's what I'll do!

@EG94 yes, I am also going to stop communicating.

It is just so awful when it is my own home. I just need to breathe for 2 more hours and then I have a couple of weeks space!

So close to saying I just can't have them here again until she can behave! Feels so good though that others can understand how I feel. thank you both x

I love this idea too. It needs to change and hubby needs to find his balls 😂

Hang on! She's 19 and doesn't do her laundry?? Bio or step, that's plain crazy.

also I hope you don't mind me saying @bananasaredelicious but you are giving yourself a really hard time and a low expectation of what your life could be like 🌺

Being constantly ignored in your home IS a big deal! It would hurt even the most stone hearted of women and in my experiences Stepmums are anything but.

@thestepmumspacepodcast thank you. I'm not going mad am I... DP and I actually had a long chat on Sunday evening and he totally acknowledged her poor behaviour and rudeness, and I even said that I won't accept it any longer and that if she cannot be just polite to me, then she can't come to stay. He's really upset, of course, but he knows where the fault lies, and he does want to fix things to all of our benefits. It's such a pity, I used to get on so well with her. I think she is going through a hard time and still sadly struggling to accept things, after 10 years. I'm trying to keep that in mind all the time too, and I am always kind to her, but I really do need to keep my boundaries also.

Its so hard when you have got on well and then the relationship changes. You may be right in that she's going through some things and we can always have huge amounts of empathy and even adjust our expectations of people when they are going through a lot... but ignoring and being rude to you is still not ok x

Is her mum going through anything. In my experience often stepkids behaviour can change when something happens at their other home... Either way unfortunately as Stepmum you will be an easier target for her tricky emotions than mum or dad. You can be kind and still have boundaries xxx

Spent 11 years like this with SD. SS lives with us and no drama, great kid/young adult

SD still now i can feel the stress as she enters the house and she grown up now to - to an extent (19) and has 2 kids but still brings the drama

Spent years her pinching my stuff, money out my purse, going through my bags, lying constantly. I seem to have a sixth sense my partner does not have and i know whats going to happen before she opens her mouth, and I notice stuff he doesnt. So frustrating. Oh, and at 19 if she happens to be in the house on her own, she still goes through stuff and always takes something, her response when challenged by OH is why would i lie to you dad 🙀

@VEP I imagine it’s easier for your OH to believe YOU are lying rather than his daughter. Often it’s a case of shoot the messenger!

Hi gang.

Do any of you ladies find living in a stepfamily is ten times harder during PMS? Like clockwork, on the week leading up to my period, I ruminate with an incessant feeling of 'helpless resentment' at having to share my home and share DH. I get frustrated at feeling as though I have to tiptoe around my house and second-guess my every move in case I run into a kid whilst I'm wearing a facemask, or in case I suggest doing something with DH but he already has plans with his kid/s or in case I say something private and the kids are evesdropping.

I turn in on myself and feel depressed.

@HebburnPokemon yes absolutely. I find my anxiety levels really heighten for a few days in the run up to my period, that makes me irritable too.

@VEP your spidey senses are powerful! So many stepmums I know can predict the next drama before it happens. Trust your gut