“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

So I can tell you mostly where I think we did go wrong and this scenario is one we had a lot. You've told me off for x y z so I'm not coming. Then dh talks her round and is so so elated that although the consequence still happens it's met with a red carpet and treats for competing it like sweets or extra pocket money. He was so grateful she's come he went ott because he was desperate to see her and she'd made that threat. What it created was a teenager who knew how to deflect from the bad behaviour and then manipulate dad, when that stopped working because the behaviour was too bad and he started to see through it she threw I am cutting you off card.
My advice is keep it appropriate and don't then reward the chores.

Thanks @socks1107

Tbh your post has put the fear of god into me (at the risk of that happening!) I also worry that this event will turn into a cycle of guilt and reluctance to parent 🤢

But at the moment I’m fortune telling, so I’ll hang fire and see how this pans out.

I'm sorry I didn't mean for it to do that. The thing is you have recognised this early. We didn't and I didn't have support like this board at the time as it wasn't very active.
By seeing it early and dealing with it your much better placed to catch it now and have those conversations with your dh

I think it would be unreasonable to expect bio parents to stay single after divorce, but they need to consider the relationship between the child(ren) and the people they propose bringing into their family. It is utterly selfish to progress a relationship or blend a family knowing that everyone but you is going to be unhappy. That’s the root of the problem. They either need to resolve the issues or if that can’t be done, accept it’s not the right relationship.

I do think the step parent coming in also has a responsibility to let the relationship go if they can’t accept they are coming into an existing family and not setting up a separate family.

I don’t say that with malice, anyone with experience of being a step something in a family would say the same thing. Don’t go into it unless you all get along.

Literally the only person who has no say in the set up is the child. So it’s no wonder that so many act out. It’s the only way they have of expressing themselves and often symptomatic of how unhappy or disoriented they are.

Another nice, supportive thread derailed by an ill intentioned “Will someone think of the children” narrative.

@EyeOfTheCat just ignore and carry on. Only people in it understand it. Tbh even as parents the majority wouldn’t want a life where their kids rule the roost. But put the word step in front and suddenly how dare you utter a word. It’s a hard lonely life, don’t waste your time trying to justify your feelings to people who will not understand. Focus on those who get it and support you. One bad apple springs to mind

If amazes me that people cant comprehend that with 50% of marriages ending in divorce the law of averages dictates that many step parents will also be step children. The existence of one characteristic doesn’t cancel the difficulties of the other out. There’s a notion their perspective is someone unique and insightful.

I get that step children become step parents.

Lots of love,

Their

but they need to consider the relationship between the child(ren) and the people they propose bringing into their family

Some stepkids would be dicks regardless of what the step parent does, especially if one bio parent indulges such behaviour. Does that mean the other bio parent should stay single? In my situation my spouse was cheated on by their ex and I suspect the ex’s values (lack of) are contributing to the kids behaviour. So my spouse is fucked over by his ex twice then?

Kids CAN behave if they choose to.

Excellent point! I’m a stepkid myself! I would not have dreamed to shit on my parents

Exactly. My DH left his ex due to a number of things including cheating and violence, the final straw being an physical assault in front of their toddler. He never discussed his reasons for leaving with the kids however she told his teenage son a load of lies about his dad and when we got together made out that there had been an affair despite us not meeting until 6 months after they'd split. Although he was never disrespectful towards me he was always cold. We only found out last year that she'd told him a lot of lies about me and since putting him straight things have been completely different and he now lives with us full time.

She put my DH through hell for over a decade and when he finally found peace and happiness with me she tried to ruin it with her lies. He deserves peace and happiness more than anyone I know. It would have been a shame for him to miss out on that because his son believed what his mother had told him.

and divorce rate in blended is even higher 🤷🏼‍♀️it’s a no win. I was a step kid and a step mum. I was a bitch to my mum and step mum had attitude and my step mum treated me with more kindness than I deserved. As a step mum I regret being such a fucking horror and I look back and think gosh the amount of rows I must of caused! Don’t get me wrong the relationship wasn’t all rosey with child sexual abuse from step sibling and my dad being an absolute waste of space but despite it all being a step mum made me really feel the guilt of being an awful child.

@Illpickthatup you’ve gave me a LOT of food for thought. I wonder if the kids are dicks because they’ve been missold the reason why their parents split? 🤔

I often hear them say to each other, “You wouldn’t DARE behave like this back at home!”

My heart is pounding at the thought.

Although he was never disrespectful towards me he was always cold.

Christ on a bike, this sums up my situation. Any attempt I’ve made to start a conversation has been met with one word answers.

This might also explain why my stepdaughter in particular keeps stealing from me.

Could well be the reason behind it all.

DH never spoke ill of his ex in front of the kids but she did not pay him the same respect.

About 6 months after the spilt, SS was supposed to be doing home schooling, he was 14. He refused to get out of bed, refused to do anything he was asked. DH had to leave for work one morning and asked SS not to lie in all day and make sure the dog was let out for the toilet. DH came home around lunchtime and the dog had shit all over the bathroom, SS was still in bed. He lost it at him. SS then blurted out "Do you know why I never do what you tell me, because I hate you. I hate you for what you've done to my mum". DH asked him what he thinks he had done and SS told him that he'd sold the family home from under her and stole all her money and she was having to take him to court for it. That he'd told her they would work on getting back together but it was just lies to sell the house without her knowledge. Of course all nonsense. She was aware of the sale and received a large payout from the equity despite not actually being entitled to anything (it was his house, they weren't married).

SS also got upset when DH told him he was seeing me because his mum had told him that they were working on getting back together. DH had to put him straight on that as well.

I'm sure there's countless other things he's been told over the years.

He spilled his guts last summer when he'd had enough of his mum's behaviour and called DH crying and asking to be picked up. He never really spoke about his mum when he was at ours but he opened up about a lot of things that had been happening and asked for clarification on a few things she's told him. It's like the penny finally dropped and it all fell into place for him. He apologised to DH for how he'd behaved towards him. His attitude towards me completely changed overnight. He asked me if I could teach him to cook, he comes to me for advice and sometimes just to gossip or tell me about his day or something he's interested in. He even got me a mother's day card and gift this year.

I think he probably respects the fact that we never bitched about his mum despite having good reason to. He was truly shocked at some of the things we told him when he asked some questions. We needed him to see her for who she truly was on his own and without our influence. He sees that now.

Do you know why I never do what you tell me, because I hate you. I hate you for what you've done to my mum

I wish one of my stepkids would open this can of worms, so we can set them straight. The truth of the matter is, my spouse was cheated on and thrown out! So, on the face of it, it looks like they deserted their family.

Yup. My DH chose to leave because she was violent towards him and she would never have left of her own accord despite living in his house. He had to remove himself from the situation as he didn't want the kids witnessing violence. It made it look like he just walked out on his family and I'm sure that's the story she told a lot of people.

T minus two hours till skid arrival!

I'm going to take myself for a lonnnnnng walk

Can I gloat and say that we have two weeks SS free? He's doing exams and decided he'd be better off not going back and forth between houses during them.

Does that mean no stepkids at yours for two whole weeks?

Can I move in? You won’t even notice I’m there 🙏

@HebburnPokemon it does indeed, it's soooo peaceful!

I didn’t say anyone should stay single. I said the bio parent needs to resolve any issues to clear the way for blending a family rather than forging ahead and hoping for the best.

I probably shouldn't say how long it's been since I had sd here. You'll all pile on me as a monster for enjoying the total peace and quiet that has been created in her absence. ( I can enjoy the stress free life we now have yet still be dealing with disbelief, anger and my husbands grief at what has happened)
I don't miss those days building up to a weekend nor the ones immediately after. Hopefully you can find some quiet time for you over the coming days and a little joy at whatever you all do

What do you mean by “resolve any issues”? We are not in control over what happens in the “other” home.

I don't miss those days building up to a weekend nor the ones immediately after.

The anxiety, the dreading being in your own home; the eggshells wondering when the next drama is? Followed by the utter seething resentment that you’ve even had to go through that; the rumination wondering why the whole vibe changed so dramatically as usual; the analysis; the hopelessness; being able to finally unclench and feeling so utterly exhausted and downtrodden, knowing you’ll have to do it all over again in a matter of days - that?