“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I was also that pleasing biddable child. She grew up into a codependent adult who accepted crap and blame from her ex husband for too long and then traveled into a new relationship with someone ‘completely different’ in terms of age, profession, skin colour and social class but took her codependency with her and ended up hitting the stepmumming too hard. You know how drunks think it will all be better if they move to a new town? Ha.

I was so helpful and kind when I met this cute vulnerable single dad and his slightly traumatised children and before I knew it my papier-mâché boundaries had dissolved and I became consumed with pleasing and fixing them all.

And then came the rage. I found myself questioning how dare they treat me so badly after all I had done for them. 😡 My therapist - I finally got one when I hit rock bottom emotionally - taught me I had been under no obligation to do any of it.

So now for my sanity and my waistline (rage = calories) I let my DP parent how he’s gonna parent and fail if he needs to. He seems at risk of raising selfish asshats which would be a shame. But in my head I simply talk to myself in versions of Thats Not My books.

That’s not my child, its voice is too whiny. That’s not my child, its hands are too hitty. Thats not my child, its presents are too expensive. That’s not my child, its mother is someone else.

DP is a lovely lovely man who brings me flowers and fixes my house up and I support him a lot in return. He doesn’t get mad if I say I don’t want to do xyz expensive thing that has been chosen to delight his miniature overlords (under-lords?). Everyone has their faults. I have many too. We’re all on different stages of our journey of self discovery. Accepting and enabling are distinct things however.

I’m tempted to write a That’s Not My Child book for us, patent pending. The next book can be That’s Not My Problem.

And relax.

Ironically, your step kids probably feel them same.

You should definitely write that book, you are a fantastic writer!

I used to feel like a lot of you. It was shit.

I saw a heartbreaking video on TikTok some time ago that stayed with me and really made me give my head a wobble when it comes to my feelings for DSC.

In it, a mother writes about waking in the night and going to check on her 4yo only to find her husband (the boys step father) suffocating him. She then writes about how her son had always referred to that bastard as 'the best daddy in the world' and how much he loved him. The little boy is alive and now safe, thank god, but he has never been the same since and can no longer trust people.

It completely broke my heart and made me realise that these three annoying, loud, expensive little humans actually love and trust me.

Under various user names on multiple forums over the years I have made no secret of the fact that i harbour resentment and sometimes I really dreaded their presence. I always found an excuse for why I felt that way at any given time, be it certain behaviours or something to do with finances, Disney dadding or their mother being a cow. Meanwhile, I have never been able to get to the root of exactly why I felt the way I did. Insecurity perhaps? I don't know.

They're not bad kids, they're actually pretty great (and I dare say better behaved than my own - which put paid to any smugness I might have felt during the early days before I had my own when I'd think to myself oh I would never allow X Y Z)

The eldest is 13 and always makes a bee line for me when they arrive, eager to show and tell me about the little gaming videos he has made for his YouTube account. He values my opinion and wants to spend time with me which is actually really lovely isn't it?

I must be a good actress because I'm almost certain they have never picked up on any bad feelings I had, I always felt so guilty and conflicted so I over compensated.

I don't have it half as bad as some of you on here and I should really be thankful for that.

You all have my complete sympathy because I remember very clearly how shit it feels when you're so unhappy. I hope things improve and that your DH's/DP's are on board to make things better for everybody.

The best thing I ever did for myself when i was struggling with resentment was employ the NACHO method mentioned above.

My Grand Designs boundary project:

Architect - my therapist

Construction - Nacho Kids podcasts

Decor - furnished my brain with Wednesday Martin’s Stepmonster book, put all personal problems I had with DP’s parenting in the brain equivalent of the loft and took most advice I was given on Mumsnet to the skip. (It was surprisingly hard to part with crap I’d hoarded that didn’t spark joy, such as the ‘you are such a sad lonely woman desperate for a boyfriend just LTB.’ But I felt better after the clearout.)

Boundary upkeep (my actions)- regular date nights in dress and heels to put a smile on DP’s face and remind him I am a cherished being that exists very separately to his children, who he can raise as he sees fit. I’m careful to present myself as the person who provides fun and respite once his kids go back to mum. Not a replacement wife. Not entirely sure how I would keep this up if we lived together but I guess that’s why we don’t.

Gentle frequent reminders that I top up my own energy levels first and then can help DP with his kids if I have energy left over. I raised a calm child who can do homework or music practice alone while I take naps. DP and his ex originally raised theirs to beat each other up in expensive theme parks. So I do not devote my Saturdays to dealing with this although If I have energy to spare one weekend I might. DP is trained by my regular ‘no thank you I’ve got something else on’ to never assume I’ll be doing half of his work, all on his terms. I’ve also gone home early quite a few times to reinforce this. I always have an escape route, such as ‘I forgot to feed the cat,’ or ‘I have to finish off some work’ designed so as not to unsettle the children.

DP found his own parenting coach, once I started letting him form his own ideas. The coach told him basic things I used to almost scream at him, like ‘have rules’ ‘bedtime routine’ ‘rewards and consequences’ ‘be consistent.’ These are all HIS OWN IDEA now, meaning he does them. Men.

Anyone dealt with this situation:

Stepkids is naughty. Stepkids told there’ll be consequences. Stepkid goes crying to other bioparent and refuses to come over.

Yes, with a 15 year old caught smoking out our bathroom window. His mum turned a blind eye to his smoking and drinking but the novelty eventually wore off. He now lives with us full time and understands why we have the rules we do. Stick to your guns. Kids need these boundaries.

What age is the child? I'm assuming much younger.

Yes. It's awful to go through and creates a power balance from the step child to everyone else in the house, you walk on egg shells.
I finally snapped after a few months and a row was had and things became a touch calmer for a short time. Then it was increased to telling people in positions of authority and everyone was back to walking on egg shells. We don't see her anymore and this is one of the root causes.

The stories of being told off were used to deflect outstanding homework, being caught doing things she shouldn't ( dangerous things) everyone took the blame ' x told me off cry cry cry' and it all went away because mum said how wrong it was that she's been told off. They'd talked and she wouldn't do it again, only she did time after time and because we were so undermined by mum she didn't care.
The final straw was a year ago when her behaviour was dangerous and as we attempted to stop it and protect and protect her future mum did her usual and that was that. She hasn't been seen since and the age she is now and the things she's done she isn't welcome either.

It needs nipping in the bud quickly or the child will learn to manipulate both houses. I've no idea how to stop that though and we failed miserably

All kids try to manipulate their parents and play one off against the other, even at a very young age. The problem isn’t the child or either of the parents. It’s the parents not co-parenting well enough. I feel sorry for your SD and your hubby. Her parents inability to parent now means she’s estranged from her dad and not welcome in his home. That’s something dad and daughter will carry to their deathbed.

Trust me they know. Some unwanted step kids act out, other develop Stockholm Syndrome.

No.

Child is 13. The bizarre thing is, as a result of her sulking and refusing to come over, now both bio parents and wider family know all about her bad behaviour. So she’s shot herself in the foot.

Sorry you had to go through that. Her mum is doing her no favours. How long has it been since she refused to visit?

Stormingnorman I don't disagree. It's awful.

Take the power back. Let her know that she's welcome back when she can abide by the rules so she doesn't just feel like she can pick and choose where she goes.

That's what my DH does every time we've had this problem.

SS "I'm going to my mum's, I hate it hear"

DH "Fine. But don't think you can just swan back in here when your mum pisses you off too. Until you're willing to abide by the rules of this house just stay at your mum's"

He ended up bouncing between his mum's and his grampa's because he can only tolerate his mum for a few days at a time. His Grampa told him to get his shit together.

Sorry I didn't see any of the withdrawn messages.

I haven’t attacked anyone and I’m not being aggressive. I’m putting across the viewpoint of the child. Don’t you think it’s helpful to understand one another better?

Being part of a blended family is as detrimental to the child as the SM, except the children generally try to earn the love of the SP who actively dislike them. They don’t have the same ability to say, I’m not being part of this.

A poster on this thread is celebrated for setting her boundaries by walking away from the SC and deciding not to spend time with them except when she wants to. A child doesn’t have the emotional intelligence or authority to set their boundaries without causing chaos. And you know as well as I do that the child would be thoroughly trashed on here if they told their dad they were walking away from SM and didn’t want her around during their contact time. This is why children have to try to learn to love their SM however unwelcome, unwanted or disliked they feel.

That’s the difference. That’s why I said some children lash out and some develop Stockholm Syndrome.

If you can accept that step parenting is mentally damaging, you must be able to accept that being a step child is too. There no point pretending these relationships aren’t detrimental to anyone.

And for the record; I’m not trolling this board. Most of the time I delete the messages when they pop up because it makes me sick inside. I wonder how many of you would want your children spoken about this way and how many of your marriages would survive if DH saw. But then some masochistoc curiosity gets the better of me 🤷‍♀️

So go start a new thread for step children who can share their collective experiences.

Reading between the lines here, are you saying the real villain is the bio parent who refuses to stay single?

Also, if you can’t help yourself but don’t want to be here, I think there’s a hide thread option?

My dh knows exactly how I feel. He understands why and how ( an anonymous forum is getting the super short version of a very long and deeply upsetting story) and I understand that in the future should she want to see him again there will have to be compromise from me. I'm acutely aware of everyone's position in this situation.
When a child/adult refuses to come over because you have parented them and the other parent has undermined you it's devastating and as I said in my original reply, we failed miserably. I hope the person who originally asked the question can get some good advice

When a child/adult refuses to come over because you have parented them

Thats a good way of wording it.

Update: apparently she’s coming over today and we have the consequence for the bad behaviour waiting (some chores). It just baffles me that she string it out like this and involved her other parent who now knows how naughty she’s been 🤦‍♀️🤔 We would never have involved the other parent but now she’s had a double telling off! I wonder what she was expecting to happen??