“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

I follow a few Instagram pages for Stepmums and they're really good at making you feel like you're not alone. They also give great advice on dealing with step parenting issues, setting boundaries etc.

Two of my faves are radical stepmoms and bonus_moms.

@HebburnPokemon I'll be bracing myself tomorrow so I'm right with you there... x

This is obviously not an answer or a helpful advice - just me venting - but I could never understand this, why do people want to live like this?? It sounds exhausting, stressful, unpleasant and I feel sorry for OP's kids, and for step kids, too...And for OP, honestly, it sounds like hell on earth. Why do this? Do people really want to have a man in their house so badly they are prepared to live in misery?

Because it doesn’t start like that. Things evolve, relationships evolve.

If I had known this was my life I wouldn’t have done it but I had an open mind and heart for both DH and his son.

Things have changed dramatically, much out of my control. My DH isn’t a bad man or a bad dad. I now have two small children who adore him and although I constantly assess I think they stand to gain more by me staying than I would gain by leaving.

Exactly as @EyeOfTheCat says, it evolves. I was with DP for 7 years before moving in together, and I wanted to wake up with him every day. At that time, his children stayed with him EOW for 1 or 2 nights, and mine too, so we thought we would alternate. Then after moving in together, his wanted to come more, they liked the new house more, and their 'best behaviour' which was all I had seen, was a far cry from their normal behaviour.

Prior to moving in, mine were about to both going off to uni, and I thought I'd be lonely, and it would be lovely being with him more. Essentially, it is, and I suppose nothing stays the same, so things will change again.

I had no idea what it would be like. I have no idea if I didn't think it through enough, or if I really couldn't have seen it coming.

I think it’s a bit of an insulting question “Why do you stay”

You could apply the same question to any number of other areas of your life, work, jobs, family relationships. It’s far more nuanced than “stay or leave” and it implies that the step parenting aspect of our relationship is the ONLY one. My husband is a father to his first child, but also my husband, lover and best friend, father to my children, member of my extended family. I might still be happier on balance than many people in a bio family.

Of course I then have my own children to consider and we all know we don’t consider ourselves and our feelings first as Mothers. It’s all about the greater good.

I don’t like some aspects of my job but I’m not fucking it all off and leaving myself destitute for because of the 15% that’s a bit shit.

Does that mean I don’t bitch about my job? No, but obviously I mask to my clients who cause the agro and my boss during a 1-2-1. I want to get paid.

I feel really bad for these kids. DH had an uncaring SM and he knows full well what she thought of him. Messed him up a lot and we have absolutely zero to do with her (no need to subject our kids to the failings of a grandparent marriage-we maintain with his parent but not her) Lots of people shouldn't marry if they can't be understanding and able to integrate with other half's kids.

I get you need a place to vent, so my message is for lurkers: be very very careful before subjecting your kids to a step family arrangement. Rarely good for anyone and especially not good for a child's development.

I’m feeling more and more sick as the hours tick by. Yet when I try to ask myself “why do you feel so anxious?” My brain has blocked the answer, like it’s too painful to go over again.

Any survival tips much appreciated!

I guess I avoided these kind of situations all my life as I have a stepdad and a few step siblings - all lovely but still, it was always stressful and not something I would wish on my DC.

Alas I question it myself. I’m a romantic person and the thought of spending evenings alone seems alien. But yes, 50 % of the time grit teeth and deep breaths.

and I wanted to wake up with him every day.

This is such a NATURAL normal instinct. I’m always baffled when people faux naivety and ask why we don’t stay single forever.

As I got past 50 I actually hate waking up with someone, my natural state now is being my own boss )) I can meet up for romance but living together - no way! So happy I dont have any urges to pair up anymore ))

OP, my only advice would be to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible and offload on you DH everything to do with his kids. Its really hard, but try not to bother about their behaviour, habits, etc. If DH complaints, say you can only have 2 settings - parent or a stranger. You are not a servant or a nanny. I thing this is the only thing you can do. Hopefully, you only have another 5 years of this crap max. Big hug.

Thanks @localnotail 5 more hears sounds like a dream, but in this country don’t kids stick around till they’re pushing 30? 😵‍💫😵‍💫

Well I would say they themselves will stop being interested in hanging around with their parents when they are teenagers... But be prepared for "we need money". Actually, serious advice - I would try to ringfence future fund for your DC. If you DH is feeling guilty he might go over the top with funding whatever his kids want - and it could be at the expense of your quiet undemanding DC.

Tell me about it. It’s already happening! My kids ask for nothing. Skids on the other hand are greedy in a vulgar way. Sometimes even stealing.

you put up with so much more above the normal step parenting bullshit. I wish I had a circle of step mum friends rather than just online ☹️

this is really bad ((

Survival tips:

Make plans to go out with a friend.
Chocolate.
Remember, these children are not yours, and they are a product of their parents. It is not their fault. They were innocent when born and shaped by parenting.
Chocolate.
Breathe.
Think about Sunday eve/Monday morning (delete as appropriate).
Chocolate.

Sit down and feel really grounded. Every time you feel the blood starting to boil up, feel the earth/floor beneath your feet, supporting you. Sitting on the sofa, or in a chair, feel the chair supporting you. Lying in bed, feel the bed has got your back. All these inanimate objects are actually giving you support and helping you. You are not alone.

(sorry if that sounds a bit silly, but it does actually help me).

Also, remember @Stepmumptsd 's great advice about reverse Spiderman.

We are here, and your thread is here for you.

And when the chocolate runs out, a spoonful of Nutella is good too x

@EG94 I think because it is virtual we can be really open about how it makes us feel, in a way we might not be able to do if we met up.

But... we are all virtual strangers. Without realising it, you could live in my road!

SK here still want to spend quality time with their Dad a lot more than I wanted to when I was in my teens/early 20s. I think part of that is just to get one up on me.

I like the idea of 2 settings, parent or stranger.

This goes well with @Stepmumptsd words 'with no power comes no responsibility'.

These are boundaries we need to implement gently or quietly (no need to shout about it, just know it), rather than just sucking up all the sh*t.

@bananasaredelicious thankfully I could be really open with my best friend but she’s a mum not a step mum. She was however able to see that the parenting being displayed was not the best so least I had someone who agreed as my ex made me out to be wrong all the time!!

if you lived in my street you could be open and we’d have wine 😂

My survival used to be gin and junk food. Grin and bear it and use food and drink to dull my frustrations.

Now I just detach. I plan my weekends with my kids and see friends and family etc. my eldest is now starting to say he doesn’t like his half brother visiting, in his words he is mean to him, takes all his toys and breaks them and can’t share. He gets fed up of someone coming into his space, ruining his toys and will panic when he hears DSS is coming and go and hide his favourite toys. He has said he wishes there was someone else to take care of DSS so he could still play with his daddy at the weekends (DSS is so egotistical he kicks off if my DH gives any else attention) So it’s not difficult for me to justify us not spending time together as a blended family. We are two families IMO with DH being part of both.

Asking for nothing is not a virtue. This can extend into later life them not asking for help or reassurance. I was that child. My mother used to brag about me being biddable.

Also agree. I was that kid. It was so, so much easier not to ask, and never to say anything controversial. I still have these issues, it fucked up quite a few things for me when I was younger. Now, I keep reminding myself what my boss from years back taught me - "you never ask, you never get". OP - teach your kids to be fighters, maybe get them to learn from step kids how to be more demanding! It will do them good!