“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

im trying my best to cope with 2-3 months. I have a small credit card less than 5k and just taken a pay cut. I’d ideally like to clear this or bring monthly payments down to £170 or so until Jan just purely selfish reasons so I will try my upmost to make 2-3 bareable and tell myself I’m doing it for my life to be easier when he’s gone. I gave him a months notice he asked if needed if he could stay longer, I asked how long and he said 2-3 months which I said in theory is fine let’s just check in a week or so before end of each month to confirm either way. He could at the end of may say he is going so I’m doing all I can to get myself in the best position possible

im glad you said that as he made out my request for this was controlling and unreasonable. I just felt it was the respectful thing to do whilst we navigate through this difficult period. I told him if he brings another woman back to my house I will drag her out by her hair. I think he knows I have a fucking ruthless side and would follow up this threat therefore would not bring someone home.

So he's asked to stay longer if he needs to - that means you are doing him a favour in allowing him to take up to 3 months (even if it does suit you financially for the time being). So he's displaying massively entitled behaviour in thinking he can do exactly what he wants during that time. The terms have changed and he doesn't get to keep all the benefits of being in a relationship (wrt your house).
If anything he wants/expects/demands doesn't suit you, then you can absolutely tell him no. It doesn't matter if he thinks you're being a bitch. One of the hardest things to get your head around initially is that you no longer have to care about his opinion of you. Whatever you do now, he'll rewrite it in his head to make himself seem in the right and you in the wrong, so you may as well do what suits you the most.

Glad you've told him in no uncertain terms the consequences of attempting to hing another woman back to your house - the attitude of these men astounds me.

Aggghhh I need to gas off:

When you are arguing with your OH about their kids, does your OH raise their voice so the kids can hear?

I think OH does this so the kids will hear that the bio parent is defending them, and also to embarrass me and make me quiet. It’s PATHETIC. My blood is boiling.

Why can’t he tell the kids?

How are you feeling? When did this all come to a head?

I realise he can move on and the next woman will have the same problems

ALWAYS remember this. Good luck to the next woman, she’s gonna need it!

I'd be pissed off at that as well. You should be able to discuss things without the kids overhearing it. It's completely disrespectful.

Luckily whenever I speak to DH about the kids being dicks he always in agreement with me. It's the one thing we never argue about.

Another thing we never do is raise our voices while the kids are here. They had enough of that shit when DH and BM were together. We argue maybe twice a year. (I know y'all me, sorry).

It's probably in her best interest that he doesn't tell the kids while they're all living under the same roof. If they know they've split up they may treat her even worse than before.

he could but given they may still be coming for a little while I agreed it was unfair to unsettle them. Whilst they can and have caused problems, I have to remember they aren’t the problem their father is and I don’t want to punish them for the mistakes of their father. This all came to a head on Sunday when I kicked off that he fucked off with his mate from 3pm and intended to come back at 10pm. See earlier posts re limited time together therefore me not feeling wanted / prioritised. Twisted round to me being needy and controlling 🤯

he has since asked well implied he was willing to give me one final chance?! Mate not me that needs a fucking chance it’s him!!! And I told him I didn’t want it. I then asked for arguments sake what would you change. No answer just a list of all the things I should work on. I’m reading a book - why does he do that? I’m realising I was in an abusive relationship full of gas lighting manipulation and control. I can’t believe I have allowed this to happen. I’m so full of anger and resentment to him and myself.

he has pushed me to levels I have never reached and I have, shamefully pushed and shoved and grabbed him. He once stepped on my phone and I just saw red and pushed him and he pinned me to the wall. In this altercation he only wanted to focus on I pushed him. Not the attempt to break my phone, not the pushing me to a wall. That was to stop me apparently.

when the arguements get really heated he gets in my face and I repeatedly say please get out of my space. He ignores me so I have again in these circumstances pushed him but his level of gas lighting is making me question that I’m abusive and as bad as him. He makes comments like - you laid your hands on me. I have explained but I asked you calmly several times to get out of my space and you ignored me.

i don’t know, I feel like I’m going crazy and questioned everything I ever said and did and wondering if I’m the problem.

Sorry, in a rush, but look up reactive abuse. That's what he's doing here.

Mine also sometimes does this and only when his kids are here.

That is pathetic, DH will not argue in front of his children ours or DSS.

Yes! Only when the kids are here!

He’s gone… and breathe.

I’ve just found your thread and so glad I did! Never seen someone else explain how I’m feeling I thought it was just me on the day of the step DC’s arrival! Thank you for your honesty I feel much better knowing I’m not alone with these feelings.

I think I would leave if this was my experience of step parenting. Your other half isn't helping things and you feel resentful - none of it is good for anyone involved.

If you are aware that you harbour resentment to kids being kids then might be best for you to avoid that in future. None of it is the kids fault, they are just navigating their world that they get zero choice in.

Ten years in with two of my own DC, things aren’t that simple. I can’t just put own needs at the forefront. Unlike DSS’ parents!

I feel all of this OP. I was the non playing character (excellent analogy) for some time.

What I have learned from this excellent forum and from therapy and a 12 steps group is that I had to detach, to work out my boundaries and to learn how to hold them quietly.

In my own experience my single dad DP desperately did not want to be left alone. He also wanted someone to do half of his work (or more) but on his terms.

DP is a very sweet person and very giving but he lacks boundaries and had that long phase of fearing the kids wouldn’t come if he was stricter than their mum. They became his overlords. I couldn’t bear to be around it.

I don’t live with my DP and we both have kids 50-50. We used to blend all our access weekends but I’ve reduced that to one every few months. I had enough of him being a slave to demanding children.

What he now knows is the moment he starts putting his kids wants before their and his own long term needs and ahead of our relationship I stop participating. I use actions to communicate my boundaries rather than requests or criticisms so I do not comply or explain. I just ‘do’ consistently.

DP had a sort of breakdown/epiphany a few months ago when he was left alone with his kids one weekend and they ran him ragged. He asked my advice. But I have learned not to give advice. I said you’re a really smart person, you can do this.

He worked with a coach to improve his parenting. He’s worked out structure and trained the kids to help around the house. The kids are calmer, happier and much easier.

A recent blended weekend showed a lot of improvements. DP made some old mistakes but I detached when he did. Eg:

When DP’s kids arrived they immediately asked how they could help with dinner. They thanked me for the meal and cleaned the kitchen afterwards. The older one who has ASD and food issues made his own version of the meal. DP has got them doing all this at home now.

I made sure to keep my own energy levels topped up. I made the food but didn’t make beds. So DP and his kids made their own beds. I didn’t ask anyone to wash, I left it to DP to deal with hygiene and bedtime. I didn’t offer to do any extra laundry.

When DP fell back into old ways such as allowing his kids to dictate the movie choice and letting his younger one cling to and dominate him I removed myself and did something else. I don’t object, I don’t moan, I don’t lower myself to competing for attention with children. I detach.

It’s harder practically to detach ofc when you live full time with a DP but I hopefully some of the above could be applied in a live-together situation. I don’t give advice so I won’t but Ive shared in the spirit that I have found solution-sharing by others on here very useful.

@Stepmumptsd that is an excellent example of allowing someone to fail and having to figure it out for themselves. I think as stepmums we try too much to come in and “fix” things, because we care and want to show we care. So we help our OH’s manage and they readily relieve themselves of the burden but it does nothing to actually teach them to cope with their own kids. I am definitely guilty of this, with my own kids aswell as my DSS.

Now I think do I have to cope in x, y and z situation with my kids? Of course (my DH works away) so I don’t avoid circumstances where he has to deal with his kids now.

You should start a parenting and step parenting blog. The reality is many men allow their kids to run riot because it’s the path of least resistance, then they project onto the step parent - who has entered that dynamic not made it, and say it’s her fault for not liking the kids. The kids who aren’t good company, because they lack boundaries and basic respect.

@Stepmumptsd · Today 10:10

That's a brilliant post
It should be pinned or something
I definitely echo the PP's suggestion that you do a blog

@Stepmumptsd I love your post, thank you. I'm letting it all sink in. You are so right when you say to not give them advice (on how to parent). I find that bit so, so hard. Eg something happens and I am now really able to bite my tongue and no longer say something like 'well, I told you if you did this, that would happen', or 'you should tell her that blah blah blah etc', BUT I find it so hard, when things calm down or the next day, to not then point out calmly alternative ways he could have handled the situation. I just need to bite my tongue because there really is no point. I am going to keep repeating what you say 'you're a really smart person, you can do this', I love that! Thank you.

I try to help myself with my boundaries, and remove myself when the situation starts to be draining, (we live together), but I find that invariably it just means I end up going upstairs to the bedroom and sitting in peace and quiet. I don't mind this, but I don't think it is conducive to the situation?

I find sitting in another room when I need to is quite powerful. It does help. As soon as any DP kid behaviour drama starts up I walk away. DP learns that if he can’t stop the drama, I stay in the other room or go out. We’re not in it together because these are not my kids.

I think of it as my Reverse Spider-Man. Stepmums very rarely have power. With no power comes no responsibility.

So I say ‘oh’ a lot.

My kid is sick but I can’t find time to book a GP appointment.

Oh. Hope you find time.

The ex wife is blah blah blah.

Oh. Hope you guys manage to work that one out.

I have to cancel our dinner because x is getting a cubs badge.

Ok. I’ll not moan but I will quietly store that one up for when I get invited on a last minute girls night on our kid free weekend and if you moan about that I will smile and say ‘cubs badge.’

I’m not a stand-in mum, free nanny, housekeeper or amateur social worker. I am Reverse Spider-Man. 😂.

I absolutely love all of this. I love the examples and how you manage it now and have it all worked out, and I shall strive to follow your lead!

"no power = no responsibility'. Absolutely love it. Thank you!

The bits I struggle with most are how they are so last minute and forgetful. They forget so much and then want to borrow mine. I often end up saying I don't have a 'insert ridiculous unnecessary essential', and they don't believe it, and nor does DP, and then I can't use my 'unnecessary essential' anymore because I told him I lost it 😂. Or our plans change, which impacts me, because their plans change and they need a lift.

I also struggle with how disorganised they are and don't communicate, but it doesn't bother them. Eg, 'D'SD (20) has a few trips away in the summer, festivals, visiting friends etc, over weekends, and I would love to know when, because then I know I can relax those weekends, as she is the one I struggle with most atm. But, she doesn't communicate dates, (I overheard her telling her uncle about the trips, but I forgot the dates!!). DP doesn't care to know because he doesn't plan, and it won't make any difference to him. If I ask, I appear uptight because why would I need to know. It just isn't how they operate in their family. For example, one of them might ask for a lift to the station, or the airport, on the morning of a trip, and the parent didn't know exactly when they are going and will facilitate the lift and they are so easygoing with things like that. Vs my kids who give me dates as soon as things are booked. I'm trying to hard to just get used to it and accept it. DP at least now gives me dates of things he books in advance which is a huge step. It shouldn't matter to me, when his kids are away, but it does, but I'm trying to manage it as best I can.

Oh, I nearly forgot about the struggle re general rudeness, but I tell myself this is normal for teenagers/early 20s and they ought to be over it by now, but Covid did impact some of the delay and therefore it lasts later. If I accept it as normal for kids, then it helps me deal, it isn't personal to me. If it is personal to their dad, (DP) then that is his issue, not mine.

I really do so much better now than over the last few years, and I often make my own plans so I am busy and out of the way.

I do find though, that their moods impact his, and he does ask for advice on how to handle it, which I find hard, because as is often said here, 'not my circus, not my monkeys', and I know he won't follow it through therefore there's no point. Those 'oh' moments are tricky? I'm going to be thinking of you every time I open my mouth!

Definitely, as PP said, you could start a parenting and step parenting blog.

Thank you for your post and thank you @HebburnPokemon for starting this thread. It is really helping me more than you can imagine.

Stepkids as overlords! @Stepmumptsd (excellent username) - it certainly feels that way doesn’t it? I think a major issue (as you’ve identified) is the fear of putting down boundaries in case the kids won’t want to visit anymore (and then ex starts getting cash injections). It puts us in a bind.

You cite “demanding children” and I identify with this. My stepkids seem very needy. I can GUARANTEE without fail that DSS13 will need help with something immediately within 30 minutes of arrival - without fail. Like clockwork.

”I use actions to communicate my boundaries rather than requests or criticisms” - can you expand on this please? Sounds like Nacho? Sounds liberating.

Where did you find the parenting coach?

Im currently on the day of their arrival, so bracing myself.

And I second the blog idea! Happy to collaborate

With no power comes no responsibility.

LOVE!!