“Weekends of unspoken annoyance and resentment”

[HebburnPokemon]

I read this phrase on an old 2011 thread here, and goodness it resonated.

Living with other people’s children and their demands and chaos but unable to act on the discontentment or even mention it. I feel like a NPC (non playable character) in a video game. The person no one pays any particular attention to; just sitting in the background and reacting to the dynamics of a situation I have little agency in creating.

Does anyone feel like me? Discontent, agentless (aside from the one and only choice we have: leave) and voiceless. Raising concerns with OH is pointless. It always ends in argument/defensiveness and there’s little they can do about the setup anyway.

I know this sounds like a self indulgent winge, and I guess it is. Being a stepparent is lonely, so reaching out to others for solidarity is a source of comfort for me. I made my bed.

Pretty much this yes.

Parenting via guilt

How do your own children feel about other children being in their home 50% of the time? Do they like your dp?

I also just read that you have kids at home as well so obviously not as easy to just go out. It's also not great that your kids are witnessing bad behaviour being swept under the rug when you probably wouldn't tolerate the same from them.

My DSD6 is a very well behaved and quite chilled little girl. Some of her friends are a bit more wild and although I do love having them over I couldn't imagine parenting them full time. I guess that's exactly how you feel.

The thing with parenting is you have to be consistent. If your OH isn't being consistent that will be sending mixed messages to the kids. They've probably learned that dad is easily wound up and a bit half arsed about discipline so they'll be constantly pushing the boundaries to see what they can get away with.

Yep OP. Already girding my loins for this weekend. The walking on eggshells in my own home is the worst thing. Because god forbid you inadvertently criticise or point out something the children did (in the same way I do with my own DC...before anyone comes for me).

Yes, they like DP, and DP is good to them. I think they're largely indifferent to the stepkids although sometimes they play together.

Do you live in my house? 😅

Boundaries are pushed regularly. However, most of the time it's simply demands and selfishness coming from them. My spouse is always "on call", whereas we rarely hear a peep from my kids.

When the stepkids are here, I can guarantee our evenings will be disrupted.

I understand that a lot of my resentment stems from the contrast between the two sets of kids. My kids set an unusually high bar for behaviour which I know most kids don't meet. If I were to divorce, my next relationship will likely be similar.

So my plan is survival and hope they are independent young adults.

Any tips for how to witness shitty/disruptive behaviour whilst keeping quiet? It's so unnatural!

What do you normally do? I journal a lot. In a weak way, it feels like someone is listening. And obviously mumsnet solidarity is a comfort.

how about instead of winding yourself up you step in and deal with it. Easier to ask for forgiveness than permission?

The thought fills me with dread! What if their parent doesn't agree with my interpretation of the situation? (it's often the case they will downplay the behaviour, make excuses for the kid, etc, etc).

I’ve stopped caring 😂😂 you don’t agree with him doing nothing and he isn’t doing a thing about it so take matters into your own hands and deal with your husband in private later. Shouldn’t be needed but if you’re having arguments anyway fuck it you’re not loosing anything your arguing about you gaining control. The kids will learn what is and isn’t ok. You need to find peace in your home and your partner won’t help you find it, so it seems xx

I think you are mad yo be living like this! You are utterly miserable the majority of the time and seem resigned to it being this way until they're grown.
I hate to say it but there's no guarantee this is going to be better when they are adults - I have young adult kids and they can also be very needy at times, keep boomeranging back to the house. Now obviously this is fine for me - they are my kids, but I don't think I'd be so willing if they were kids whose presence I dreaded. And that's before you get into the grandparent phase and the expectation of childcare!

My honest opinion is that you would be better off living separately but still maintaining the relationship outside of his contact time. Or seeing them for small periods of time during his contact and then returning to your own tranquil house!

This ^
It's no way to live for any of you.

I get that the argument about why get together with a partner with kids is predictable and irritating but there is some truth in there.

I totally get that living with someone is different and it's not easy to predict how that will go but it can't come as a total surprise can it?
Is it really the case that these kids are all lovely and adorable and then suddenly little shits who have no boundaries or consequences?
Or do we ignore the warning signs because we think the relationship is worth it?

I wonder how much people talk about parenting styles, observe and learn about these dynamics before living together/getting married/having more kids?

Surely it's sensible to really suss this stuff out before throwing your lot in with someone who barely parents.

I also wanted to pick up on someone saying the kids are a guest in their house and wonder how healthy and reasonable this attitude is? It's where their other parent lives and should feel like home.

I wonder how that impacts the family dynamics.

Thankfully, we've both agreed we are not doing any grandparenting. We're on the same page with that. Phew.

I've often thought about having two separate houses. Problem is, we've bought a joint house last year. Also, we'd miss each other. I'm pretty co-dependent if I'm honest. It wouldn't work out as I suspect I'd end up finding someone I could spend more time with.

A tranquil house though - what a thought! At least I currently have it 50% of the time.

I hear you.

Kids are hard work - especially when they're not yours. Because I'm a parent myself, I'm destined to be with another parent. I can hardly demand my partner has no kids if I have them!

So I accept this as my lot, but would really appreciate coping tips or lifestyle changes that could make this easier.

Them feeling like a guest is self-imposed. We've always said this is also their home. They have consoles, tech, clothes, etc at both homes.

@HebburnPokemon sorry it was EG94 who said the children were guests but the dogs live there.
It was imposed by the adult.

YOU may think your children are mild mannered but what’s to say their step parent isn’t posting on here saying they are annoying little shits she didn’t wish she had to look after?!

absolutely and yes they are guests in my home. But this doesn’t mean guests don’t feel comfortable and some of the shit they say and do they really feel “at home”. We refer to it as their room and they have things which is exclusively for them but my home, that’s mine it’s shared by them. I stand by them being guests.

my point is my dogs live their 24.7 why should I have to move where they sleep every night so his kid can wake up at the crack of down. I came with an alternative dad get up with them. This tired him out so soon stopped.

The kids will be there forever, albeit as adults. But they don’t go away. They will be there as long as OP is with her partner.

OP why bother being with someone who has children if it’s making you that miserable. You have the power to change your life. Go and find someone without kids. No one is making you stay.

Surely as a parent being exposed to other kids you must have known not all kids were like yours?

My son was 13 when I started dating again and my preference was a partner with no kids (which is what I ultimately found). I was prepared to try with someone with grown up kids and see how it went.

I think that step parenting is probably a lot easier if the other birth parent is dead.

I couldn't do it and I wouldn't want anyone to be stepmother to my children.

I understand where your view comes from (most kids are hard work). However you'll just have to take my word for it. My kids are very quiet and docile. They are unusually passive, it's just their character. My spouse often comments on it.

Maybe, but the thought of having my SC here full-time and having to live with Disney Dad full-time is horrifying. I would leave, 100 per cent, if that was the future and I don't mind saying it! (We have shared DC too so it's not like it would be low-impact).

Surely as a parent being exposed to other kids you must have known not all kids were like yours?

It's not nearly the same. There seems to be some in-built guilt and tip-toeing from dads around their kids. I think it stems somewhere from being afraid that the kids will choose not to come, or spend more time at their mums, so dad always has to be the fun one, with all the treats, and the late nights. Unless you live it, it's very easy to say "you should have known".

It's your home, of course you should speak up!