Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Reality bites!

We’ve already had this argument . Many many times.

I don't care. It's a fact.

According to yourself and all the first wives / other people who live in a parallel universe where step mums have to accept any intolerable shit because they should have known 🙄

Not at all. Some smums are absolutely lovely, I am sure. My comment is directly related to the OP, and the fact ss is not always welcome. If you marry someone who has a child- you step up and make sure scs are not made to feel unwelcome and second rate, as my brother was.

My dad was absolutely wonderful to him and raised him like his son, like me and my brother. Different because of the large age gap, and the fact he is very different to my brother and myself (2.5 years difference). I've only recently realised how he suffered through his step mum who made him feel very unwelcome, as soon as dad was not around.

The chils cannot ever be responsible .

Your DH is being a good father to his child that was left behind while he made a new family. However, having time without him every now and again isnt a terrible thing to request. It sounds like your DH is really aware of his son not feeling left out so is making alot of effort with him. All 3 children should be receiving equal treatment but it also sounds like you need to be more accepting of your DH wanting his son around and to be part of the family just as much as your DH needs to make sure his son isnt being rude to your family.

It depends what the ‘intolerable’ shit is though. If it’s just the DP wanting to maintain contact and include his own child in his family then no surprise people aren’t going to have any sympathy.

Of course YANBU.
Dad should invite him to all his special 'Dad' stuff and his wider family, with you and yours, I would include him in everything that falls in the time you have him and anything extra you want to include him with.
It's quite possible to enjoy both.

YABVU. But I’m not even going to try to explain to you why, as you’re clearly lacking in any self awareness, and I have a feeling you’ve already made up your mind that you don’t want him with you. What a delight you are…..

I'm both a second wife/family and have a SM.
So, I have seen it from both sides.
My SM absolutely created an environment that made my Dad choose between new and old family and he chose new. We don't have much contact anymore.
I think Dad's (not mine obvs) sometimes over compensate for the first family children to the detriment of further children. It's hard to get everything right all the time.
My SC were and are always welcome, but that doesn't mean we always did everything together. We're 20+ years along the line now and you really do have to have give and take and keep reassessing how you do things. SC don't seem to hate me or DH so I guess we got it mostly right.

OP you would be better off posting on a step parent only board or getting some genuinely impartial advice . This board is skewed against step mums . You can tell that because the same lines come out over and over within the same thread to put the boot in with the original posters . They will tell you this is all your fault. That’s just not realistic . Lots of very strange things are seemingly acceptable on here , but in real life I’m sure they wouldn’t be to most people .

And people like you are part of the reason step parents get such a bad rap. Having his son with them is classed as ‘intolerable shit’? Wow, I assume you are also a (very bitter) step mum. As I’ve said before on these threads, if you meet someone, and don’t want their ‘intolerable shit’ hanging around, then find someone without any. You know what you’re getting into if you get with someone who already has family. Suck it up, or don’t go there.

When you shacked up with his Dad did you just expect this lad to disappear ? If you and your husband split do you think he should just ignore the 2 children you have with him? i bet you wouldn't. Father and son came as a package so suck it up.

Yawn .

She is actually in the step mums ‘echo chamber’ board. Unfortunately for her it’s coming up on active.

I’m not a step mum thanks . If you read these boards , there are step mums dealing with horrible situations. Intolerable stuff, that they don’t deserve at all. But according to people like YOU step mums have to put up with it all because you know what you are getting into . Not true .

This cannot be real. Of course you are being unreasonable. He clearly had separation anxiety as a toddler. His dad is trying to actively involve him. You sound very bitter. Your husband has 3 kids and doesn’t want to leave one out. How about you just leave your youngest one out regularly? No? Don’t be so cruel. Yeah think all you like, but your step son was here first and you bought into a family with a dad and a son. Just cos you had two additional kids doesn’t change that. wow.

You're talking shit. I have been married to the same man for well over 30 years, and I am not a stepmum.

There's a young boy at the centre of this, and his stepmum doesn't want him. How is accepting this child "intolerable shit"? Away and give your head a good wobble!!

Who’s to say she doesn’t accept this child . She just doesn’t want him being rude when her family around. What’s wrong with that , who would . A lot of people find their own children rude and irritating , heaven forbid a step mum expresses an opinion . I was talking about how step parents are treated on mumsnet in general . Give you own head a wobble .

Also , if OP feels second best , chances are she is . It does happen . He probably is favouring his other children / child . Of course he should see and involve all his children . BUT op is able to feel a certain type of way .

Well if you’re not a step mum, even worse that you’re defending her. I might not be a ‘first wife’ as I’ve been married for over 30 years, but my moral compass is such that I can see what a shit situation she is trying to put her stepson into. Maybe you’re not a step mum, but guessing you might be a disgruntled ‘ow’ then or have been in a situation with someone which has given you an axe to grind? Otherwise I can’t believe that someone would actually agree with OP over this??

I imagine your husband/ partner is not involved in the day to day lives of your two kids eg bedtime stories, preparing and presenting meals, baths, discipline. You have 3 children to take care of on a regular basis ...even if your other half is there e.g. child safety / meals/ behaviour. His ex wife has one child to take care of not 3. So your partner has him there for all the " fun" events without much effort. He needs to take over helping you more fairly then he will consider a fair way of dividing up his time. I think women responders should look at the whole situation not just one part of it. Responders here should come up with a solutions not another problem or stick to beat you with.

YANBU, it’s your birthday and nothing to do with your SS. He doesn’t need to be involved in everything you do. It’s your day, you want to spend it with your kids and your husband and that’s fair enough!

Arrange it for a weekend he’s not around, enjoy your birthday.
My DSD isn’t involved in everything we do, she doesn’t need to be invited to every day out, every birthday thing we do. Some days she comes to days out and other time we just take out our joint kids out. It’s nice to have time without any step children changing the dynamic.

and as for all this bull about don’t get with a man who got kids then…. How about the man should of look at his choices a bit wiser. No one made him get with a women who was going to want her own family and have her own family time too.

I don't need to. I'm on the side of the child here, same as any right-thinking person would be. What's actually wrong with you?!!! It would be a pretty shite father that wouldn't want to include his eldest child!!

He's 8. His father can deal with his rudeness. Maybe you need to deal with your rudeness yourself, assuming you are actually an adult?!