Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

Thank you for understanding. It’s the inconvenient truth that nobody wants to hear though isn’t it!

@terrimom

But they are only the mothers of their own children? Assuming step children have both parents involved and on the scene, it is not appropriate (and generally not wanted) for the step mothers to actually mother them.

@GoodnightAdeline

That’s utterly vile.

I never did follow a script of any kind. My child’s dad is very involved with her life, we get along well. My partner is not her dad, nor do I expect to him act as such.

I expect from him, what I give his children, an additional adult who cares deeply about the children’s best interests, their well being and happiness, their futures, but doesn’t behave as a parent.

I don’t mean by that I stand like a lemon when they’re misbehaving, or simply go and get their dad if they’re upset/ill without a thought or attempt to comfort them, by the way.

And you! 😊 you were the one who started attacking someone online trying to offer someone else support. Vile vile vile

our stepson

You mean "his son"?

She's also not allowed to say "his" son either...

No, and I'd imagine 'my' or 'our' son will also not be well received as that is crossing a line - even though, as we all know, treating him as anything less than your own blood child is despicable. I wonder what is acceptable...?

Omg this is what’s happening with me word for word im on phase 3

My DSS is taking the greatest care of me. As much care as my DS and DD. His father died two months ago. He is my family. His children are my grandchildren just as much as my DH's children. If you cannot see your DSS as your DS and want him not to be there when his siblings are with you, then you are being VU.

This is so accurate 🙌🏻 exactly how it panned out for me.

Anyone read yesterday's, hugely indignant thread, from a woman whose partner of five years did not want his salary declared,taken into account, with regard to his partner's eighteen year old daughter's application to university. There was so much venom against him. One poster did say there was no way on earth she would take part in any financial declaration for her stepson but other posters just ignored her comments. It does seem expected on here that a man must take financial and emotional responsibility for step children but women should not be involved at all.

@Brabican some men dictate to women the involvement they should / shouldn’t can / can’t have. It’s tiring.

the man who didn’t pay for his sons uni I don’t think is at fault. I have just been uninvited from a family holiday because I said no to paying for half of his children. Apparently it’s wrong I get a cheap holiday! His share isn’t cheap because he chose to have children. I may well of chose to be with someone who has kids (reevaluating this choice) but I didn’t choose to pay for them.

i used to pay for half of the kids / his family but I stopped when I was paying well over £700 a year and his half for my family was £100 and he also tried to dictate how much I could spend to minimise his half. Yet he spends and tells me I spent X you owe me Y.

so done with him at this point. Nothing I do is right as a partner or as a SM.

It just seems there is such a different standard on here for step mums and step dads. Statistically, the step mother relationship is more difficult than that of a stepfather. A poster on here claimed her husband couldn't remember which were his biological children and which were step children such was his all encompassing love for them. Most step mums with their own biological children feel the difference keenly.
Think of the story of Abraham his wife Sarah and his biological first born son Ismael. Once she had her own child Isaac, she wanted Ishmael and his mother, Hagar killed. Conflict between Jews and Arabs ( Muslims) stems from this story.
Obviously, some stepmoms do a wonderful job but it is a difficult relationship

Think of the story of Abraham his wife Sarah and his biological first born son Ismael. Once she had her own child Isaac, she wanted Ishmael and his mother, Hagar killed. Conflict between Jews and Arabs ( Muslims) stems from this story.
Obviously, some stepmoms do a wonderful job but it is a difficult relationship

Very good point. I think Cinderella should also be held to account, for giving step mothers a bad rep!

A poster on here claimed her husband couldn't remember which were his biological children and which were step children such was his all encompassing love for them

I mean this is just twee bullshit though isn't it.

Yes!

@Brabican There’s a different standard for mums vs dads e.g. a mother isn’t seen as a good mother for changing nappies or doing the school run whereas a dad is seen as a hero just for taking DC to the park. Actually it’s not even mums vs dads it’s women vs men when it comes to expectations around housework & mental load. So it’s inevitable that those gender roles will spill into step parenting.

You’ll never see a step dad being expected to leave his own work early to pick up his DSC from school so both parents can work uninterrupted as per the recent thread on here; or being told he resents DSC because he’s unhappy about being told, not asked, by his partner to look after them for a full day every weekend so she can go out to play golf; or stepdad receiving abusive messages off Dad because he can’t babysit DSC last minute as he already has his own plans; or being asked to send his own money to Dad’s household to even up the standard of living they have over there… the list of differences in expectations goes on and on.

If the main expectations of me as a SM was to contribute financially to my own household and just be nice towards DSC whilst actual parent gets on with the bulk of the hands on parenting I’d have been very happy.

That's because you are with a piece of shite. Nowt to do with being a step parent.

@ShakeNvacStevens I read advice on here a lot that step mothers on MN should go out for the day and leave the step children to it. Maternal grandparents on here are told it is fine to favour their own grandchildren. Whereas paternal grandparents must embrace step children and treat them equally to their own grandchildren.
In real life, the stepdads I know treat step children as their own. In real life many step children stop visiting because they feel their step mother doesn't want them around.
I agree it must vary from household to household. I don't know any Dads though who play golf. Isn't it a dying sport? Or is it just an invented stereotype that men play golf when stepchildren visit? Just like the stereotypes of cruel step mothers from fairytales?

In real life, the stepdads I know treat step children as their own.

I suspect a large part of that disparity (whether true or not) stems from the fact that stepfathers, typically, live in the children's primary home as usually the mother has the children with her - and they 'visit' their Dad and stepmother. Living with people creates a different bond than visiting. I'm not saying one is better than the other, and of course some set ups have 50/50 but people seem to ignore this when talking about step fathers and step mothers.

Again, usually, men and women have very different expectations placed upon them in regards to raising children - women typically are expected to do more and are held to a higher standard, even subconsciously - so trying to compare the two is a fruitless task.

I think some of the things mentioned sounds like you are resentful toward your DH for the lack of effort towards your children. You should discuss this with him as a completely separate matter.

In this situation, I don't think you are completely unreasonable. I think it depends on the dynamic between you & the SC. Many step-moms get pushed out and almost have an "auntie" or "friend" relationship with the child. In which case, you are well within your right to plans activities separately and prefer they not attend specific things.

Other step-moms are hugely respected by all involved and would probably see this as strange and wants the SC included in everything too.

Golf or footie or cycling or whatever example you’d like to insert for dad, whether in a nuclear or blended family, regularly going out for hours to do xyz leisure activity and expecting his female partner to parent in his absence - I see it plenty (including golf!).

I read advice on here a lot that step mothers on MN should go out for the day and leave the step children to it.

Advice in relation to what kind of opening post though? It’s a support forum, people are going to post when they have problems so naturally you’re going to see a skewed % of relationships requiring a different approach to the norm/ideal. You’re implying it’s being advised as a starting position for stepmums and I can’t say I’ve seen much of that. If however an OP has posted to say their DH constantly tries to abdicate his parental duties to his partner whilst simultaneously telling her she’s not allowed to discipline them within reason, then yeah I’d say going out for the day isn’t a bad suggestion. Just like advice over on the Relationships board about going on “strike” and doing nothing for DH doesn’t apply to relationships where the other partner is respectful and pulling their weight. It’s all about context.

In real life, the stepdads I know treat step children as their own. In real life many step children stop visiting because they feel their step mother doesn't want them around.

As pp said it’s a very different dynamic living with an RP as opposed to an NRP, especially when the NRP is either absent or largely uninvolved which leaves stepdad much more freedom to step into that role. And again, gender roles mean it’s far easier for a man to treat DSC as their own when far less is expected from dads generally. As for step children stopping visiting, how about placing the blame where it actually lies - on their father? He has 100% of both the responsibility and the power to ensure his children feel welcome in their home with him. If he chooses to bring a nasty woman into his children’s lives it’s not step parenting as a concept that’s at fault, it’s the fact he’s a selfish arse putting his own wants above his DC’s needs.

the stepdads I know treat step children as their own

When we look at the societal expectations placed on women vs men though this is kind of redundant isn't it. I'm sure many step mothers would be happy to treat step children as their own if they were only expected to do the amount of parenting your average man does in comparison.