Don’t want stepson all the time

[Sky1248]

I want to see if I’m being unreasonable at all and all comments are greatly welcomed!

I have been with my partner for nearly 7 years and when I first met my step son he was just turning 2! He was always very clingy to his dad and I always tried which sometimes I loved having him and sometimes I dreaded it!

we now have a 3 year old and 9 month old together and sometimes I appreciate the times it’s just me my husband and my kids however my husband is saying he wants our stepson included in everything and wants to invite him to absolutely everything! Even my 30th meal I said don’t worry about inviting him as he’s quite rude to my family that were coming but my husband was adamant he wanted him to come.

i have no person issue with my step son I do find him a bit spoilt and he has such a better life with his mum always doing nice things so I don’t know why my husband always wants him with us.

am I unreasonable to say I sometimes want to do things without him and just our kids?

— Your DH is spending a reasonable amount of time with his child

• Your DH needs to step up his involvement with the younger children
• If DSS is rude, deal with the rude behaviour
• Does your birthday party take place on a contact date? It’s not fair on his mother to mess about with the contact routine.

OK, I am definitely reading it that DH has started to insist SS comes to everything including at non-contact times. I can see it could be read a different way though.

If SS is with OP and DH as part of his arranged contact time, or during a mutually agreed time then deliberately excluding him from anything the family is doing during that is of course not OK.

But to assert he must be able to everything and anything at any point DH wants even when it's not his arranged time - or a mutually agreed time - that's a different story.

So parents shouldn't be spending time with their 9 month old? Or is it just dads you'd grant dispensation to? Or... maybe it's just dads with earlier and hence worthier children?

@PurplePansy05

Sorry to break it to you but extracurricular activities are the norm on the weekend so you should've been prepared your husband will have the responsibility for taking his child to those.

It does get complicated though as once youngest dc have extracurricular they have to be juggled. The first child's curricular stint take precedence. It's a difficult juggle as it is when all dc are fully related.

He had every other Saturday and Sunday without his DS though so how can you say your DCs don’t have much time on the weekends! He also lives with your DC all week!

How often do you actually think he should have contact with his DS?

Your stepson and husband are a package deal not seperate entities.
If you cannot share your husband with his own son, do yourself a favour and split up.

YABU if you don't want responsibilities of a step child, you don't get with a man with kids. Kudos to him for including his son. Many fathers don't.

He is his son aswell as your children..get over it and don't be that sort of stepmother

That because you are missing the end if the sentence:

so our other child don’t much time at all so the weekends we don’t have him I like it to be our kids so they can have attention

Basically what she says is
dh spends the WE with dss EOW. I’m expecting him to spend his time with the youngest two the other weekends.
I dint think she resents her dss to be there EOW. She ressent the fact that when dss comes on the other weekends, then there is even less time for the younger two fir undivided attention from their dad.

He lives with your DC. Sees them everyday? They are also a toddler and baby. Why would he need to be engrossed in asking them what they have been doing!

He doesn’t see his DS everyday and doesn’t live with him, so why would you have an issue with him FaceTiming him asking what he’s been doing at school, at home etc?

Honestly it’s OPs like this that give step parents a bad name. The bitterness about and jealousy of a young child who they should have been totally accepting of, and onboard with including into their family before marrying their parent and having more children with them, is despicable and disturbing.

People really don’t understand this dynamic. Often the non-resident parent just defers the parenting of their subsequent children (we’ll call them family 2) to their partner/wife whilst they devote their time, energy and attention to their non resident children during contact time.

I get told “oh your kids have your DH ALL the time.”

No. No they don’t because DH works all week during their working hours and on the other weekend goes to the gym, does DIY, mows the grass, and whatever else he wants to do.

I have friends where this dynamic is played out too.

When the Step children come the world stops spinning and all the time and focus is the SC. That’s not how it plays out for residents children, their fathers or non resident parent are just stretched quite thin for them.

He's not 'our' stepson, he's your husbands son. Football on a weekend is surely a few hours at best, can you ask dh to arrange a family activity in the afternoon for all siblings to enjoy together?

Yes. Go to the step-parent site in Mumsnet and do some reading. You signed up for this.

Oh dear. I think you need to grow up.

Yes, threads like this are so upsetting. So many disgusting people calling the OP names.

The father is the one responsible for the situation. OP's job is to care about her children at the first place and in this situation it means dealing with the father who spends good 1 on 1 time with the eldest but is less involved with the younger ones when it comes to quality time.

It’s mumsnet. And on mumsnet step mums are scum of the earth I’m afraid . It’s doesn’t matter what the step children / husbands or ex wives do.

Quite. Where is the accountability outrage for DH choosing to have a child, then choosing to get divorced, the choosing to marry someone else and have more children?

Now he is choosing to not recognise that the woman he married gets a reasonable say in her own life, not to just be a subservient partner who accepts anything he decides.

Is this sarcastic , or just plain mean ? No one signs up for this turd . I haven’t read the thread but can guarantee there will be some grotesque step mother bashing .

this, perfectly said. What did you expect when you married him?

🙄 Step mum bashers out . Usual lines . .. shock !

Whilst I don’t agree that rudeness should be tolerated you seem to be under the illusion your children are your husbands main children.

Your stepson is just as important to his dad as your kids are and EOW and a few meals a week is a drop in the ocean compared to having your dad live with you.

I would definitely speak to your husband about the rudeness and try and reframe this as your children’s chance to build a lifetime relationship with their half sibling.

YABU and come across as jealous of this child, it’s not really a good look.

Well, I have a half brother who is 13 years older than me. We have got very close recently, as we moved quite near him after he lost his wife. We have recently come to realise that his step mum, when he went to visit his dad for week-end and holidays, always made sure he knew he wasn't welcome- and how hard it was for him throughout childhood. Never realised when I was a child how tough this was for him.

His stepmum was a a horrible w/b*itch- fact. It leaves very long lasting, life lasting damage, in fact. He is 73 now.

More step mum bashing . Nice .

Maybe you shouldn't have married a man who already had a child?

This little boy has had so little of his dad, and you're resenting the times he does have?

How about if you and your husband split up? Wouldn't you expect him to do the same with your children?

They're a package. You can't have the father without the son!