Need help… what to do?…

[Mumto2girlz]

(a bit of background) my bio daughter lives with me and her step dad (she calls him dad as she’s known him since 3 months old and is now 2yrs old and we have a 2 month old together) his other daughter 5 comes at weekends, usually a very kind girl, a pleasure to have and be around. But this morning and yesterday was being a completely different kid when dad wasn’t in the room so I set up my phone to record what was going on when they were playing in there room together (in fear of not being believed) showed the recording to dad and could hear daughter 5 saying to daughter 2, “want me to push you AGAIN?” “You better not tell” and telling her to bite herself on her arm, (daughter 2 is struggling with emotions and when frustrated will bite her arm or hands) daughter 5 has heard us mention this. Dad dealt with daughter 5 and she cried and said she was sad she had been caught and didn’t think she would’ve been. Texted daughter 5s mum and she denied her daughter would do this, so sent the recording, she was more concerned why there was a recording. Anyway. Daughree 5 was sent to nanas house to be collected by mum and is saying she dosent know why she’s done this but has told dad she is jealous of daughter 2 and daughter 2 months, Daughter 2 is scared to play in her room now and is telling us things. Mum is now saying she dosent want her daughter around mine, so not sure how visitation will work now. We have a newborn, we can’t supervise 24/7 and are worried these incidents will escalate as nobody else is dealing with it. I have suggested she dosent come back until she has been to councilling and dealt with whatever her issue is, because listening to the recording it was just nastiness, pure nastiness even the tone. On here looking for suggestions or any advice tia x

We are dealing with this, and showing how to express feeling in a better way. Whe she is frustrated out things down and come back to them or ask for help, sometimes it’s just when told no so working with her to deal with this sswell

I’m worried about all the kids in this situation. In a couple of years it will be the two year old (then four) being allowed to terrorise the newborn (who is then two).

This is not to do with the step parent situation. This is parenting 101.

This is why it was recorded becaus it would’ve been denied I jumped out for 1 second to grab baby a bottle, I suggested councilling so 5 year old can talk threw feelings and how to deal with them as this is what we’re doing aswell, trying to take all steps to ensure this behaviour dosent escalate and someone gets hurt

It’s not allowed, this is why her dad spoke to her and we spoke to mum and mentioned councilling to speak about feelings and how to deal with them as this is what we’re doing at home aswell

If you are so insistent on counselling being the answer then why don’t you and your DH pay for private therapy for her?

Denied by who? Mum or dad? Because for one solid incident, I can see absolutely no reason why you've gone straight to the mum about it without attempting to resolve it yourselves?

What were you actually trying to achieve with this recording?

Thank u for this suggestion, have contacted a place that does this

You did allow it.

You allowed it by leaving them unsupervised. For a lot longer than ‘a second’.

And you knew something bad might happen to the two year old which is why you recorded it.

You preferred to be able to ‘prove yourself right’ than to protect your two year old child.

A five year old is not ‘bad’ or ‘nasty’. She is understandably sad, lonely, upset and feeing displaced.

And your and her dad’s actions have made that worse. And you show zero empathy and understanding, despite five pages of other people saying that to you.

Will you change anything about how you parent these three children after reading all the advice on this thread?

Good, I am sure any qualified person will be able to advise you that it is the adults who need help in this situation not a 5 year old. Take a look at parenting classes too.

The two year old should also get counselling as she regularly bites herself if we follow your logic.

If it was me and I heard/saw my toddlers being mean to each other, I would rush in and explain why it was wrong. I wouldn’t be filming the exchange. That’s parenting. Children don’t need to visit docs for this message to sink in. Humiliating the child, sending the video, replaying it, to prove your point? All fucking weird and highly inappropriate. What exactly have you taught her? To make sure there’s no cameras recording next time she does something wrong?

It sounds like you want to push out your dh’s child for good. But beware, this may spectacularly end in disaster for you. He doesn’t seem to believe you - hence the recording. And maybe when his family/friends hear about how you record kids, he might decide this shit isn’t worth it.

Ive just noticed that SD not only has to share with DD2 but will ALSO share with DD3, i cant imagine these are large rooms - it's probably for the best she stays with mum.

I think you and DH need the counselling as you are causing thia behaviour.

You had some bloke around your 3 month old infant? Just…zero safeguarding or prioritising your child?
Then got pregnant after dating a few months. Your boyfriend fails to adequately parent his part time child, discards her for hours, goes whingeing to her actual parent. Absolutely flabberghasting.

OP means original poster. There’s a page that has a list of acronyms.

The rooms are used for sleeping, if they play they play in the living room they have a bed each and enough soace

I really hope your 'D'H starts treating your child like an outsider and decided to not parent her so you can see what a massive bitch to a little child you've been.
Thank goodness for her Mum!

You wish misery on a 2 year old. What sort of sociopath does that?

Reported.

I did not wish misery on my 2 year old, I wouldn’t wish that on any child. We live in a 2 bedroom and are saving to move, the rooms are used for sleeping YES they do have to share as I can’t afford a 4 bedroom house. The room is clean and they chose the decorations they each have a clean comfy bed and they’re own drawers for clothes, when they play they play in the living room so space isn’t really a problem but could b in the future hence looking into moving

That poster was obviously replying to the post s/he has quoted.

:we live in a 2 bedroom house, we are saving to move, they each have a clean comfy bed and they chose the decorations for the room. Yes they have to share as I can’t afford a 4 bed house, if they play they play in the living room
: it was not our choice to send to granparents house this is what mum had asked for
: mum asked for the recording
: counselling was suggested to deal with feelings and how to deal with them, we are also working on this at home
: the ipad is being dealt with, sitting in bedrooms is not being allowed
: my DH went upstairs many times and checked on daughter 5 and talked one on one
: I was supervising them and went to grab baby a bottle when this occurred the recording was made because I knew DH would believe me but mum would not, mum was made aware because it’s out of character

Yes I was. My sympathies are with the OP.

:we live in a 2 bedroom house, we are saving to move, they each have a clean comfy bed and they chose the decorations for the room. Yes they have to share as I can’t afford a 4 bed house, if they play they play in the living room
: it was not our choice to send to granparents house this is what mum had asked for
: mum asked for the recording
: counselling was suggested to deal with feelings and how to deal with them, we are also working on this at home
: the ipad is being dealt with, sitting in bedrooms is not being allowed
: my DH went upstairs many times and checked on daughter 5 and talked one on one
: I was supervising them and went to grab baby a bottle when this occurred the recording was made because I knew DH would believe me but mum would not, mum was made aware because it’s out of character
:mum has said she dosent want her daughter around mine

:we live in a 2 bedroom house, we are saving to move, they each have a clean comfy bed and they chose the decorations for the room. Yes they have to share as I can’t afford a 4 bed house, if they play they play in the living room
: it was not our choice to send to granparents house this is what mum had asked for
: mum asked for the recording
: counselling was suggested to deal with feelings and how to deal with them, we are also working on this at home
: the ipad is being dealt with, sitting in bedrooms is not being allowed
: my DH went upstairs many times and checked on daughter 5 and talked one on one
: I was supervising them and went to grab baby a bottle when this occurred the recording was made because I knew DH would believe me but mum would not, mum was made aware because it’s out of character
:mum has said she dosent want her daughter around mine

:we live in a 2 bedroom house, we are saving to move, they each have a clean comfy bed and they chose the decorations for the room. Yes they have to share as I can’t afford a 4 bed house, if they play they play in the living room
: it was not our choice to send to granparents house this is what mum had asked for
: mum asked for the recording
: counselling was suggested to deal with feelings and how to deal with them, we are also working on this at home
: the ipad is being dealt with, sitting in bedrooms is not being allowed
: my DH went upstairs many times and checked on daughter 5 and talked one on one
: I was supervising them and went to grab baby a bottle when this occurred the recording was made because I knew DH would believe me but mum would not, mum was made aware because it’s out of character
:mum has said she dosent want her daughter around mine

:we live in a 2 bedroom house, we are saving to move, they each have a clean comfy bed and they chose the decorations for the room. Yes they have to share as I can’t afford a 4 bed house, if they play they play in the living room
: it was not our choice to send to granparents house this is what mum had asked for
: mum asked for the recording
: counselling was suggested to deal with feelings and how to deal with them, we are also working on this at home
: the ipad is being dealt with, sitting in bedrooms is not being allowed
: my DH went upstairs many times and checked on daughter 5 and talked one on one
: I was supervising them and went to grab baby a bottle when this occurred the recording was made because I knew DH would believe me but mum would not, mum was made aware because it’s out of character
:mum has said she dosent want her daughter around mine

at what point did you start recording?
how long does the recording last for on your phone?

30 seconds if that