Need help… what to do?…

[Mumto2girlz]

(a bit of background) my bio daughter lives with me and her step dad (she calls him dad as she’s known him since 3 months old and is now 2yrs old and we have a 2 month old together) his other daughter 5 comes at weekends, usually a very kind girl, a pleasure to have and be around. But this morning and yesterday was being a completely different kid when dad wasn’t in the room so I set up my phone to record what was going on when they were playing in there room together (in fear of not being believed) showed the recording to dad and could hear daughter 5 saying to daughter 2, “want me to push you AGAIN?” “You better not tell” and telling her to bite herself on her arm, (daughter 2 is struggling with emotions and when frustrated will bite her arm or hands) daughter 5 has heard us mention this. Dad dealt with daughter 5 and she cried and said she was sad she had been caught and didn’t think she would’ve been. Texted daughter 5s mum and she denied her daughter would do this, so sent the recording, she was more concerned why there was a recording. Anyway. Daughree 5 was sent to nanas house to be collected by mum and is saying she dosent know why she’s done this but has told dad she is jealous of daughter 2 and daughter 2 months, Daughter 2 is scared to play in her room now and is telling us things. Mum is now saying she dosent want her daughter around mine, so not sure how visitation will work now. We have a newborn, we can’t supervise 24/7 and are worried these incidents will escalate as nobody else is dealing with it. I have suggested she dosent come back until she has been to councilling and dealt with whatever her issue is, because listening to the recording it was just nastiness, pure nastiness even the tone. On here looking for suggestions or any advice tia x

And that is 2 out of 3 with childhood trauma.

And? Is the problem actually your partner doesn't believe you?

This thread makes me so sad. I hope to god it is a wind up and there are not real children in this sorry situation.

He does I was recording to see what was going on, I had supervised and was only seeing small parts but not the full extent. It wasn’t our choice to send to grandparents house

What can we do differently? Genuinely looking for advice here, it wasn’t our choice to send to grandparents house

You're not looking for advice though because otherwise you'd take on board what people are saying

Omg she’s 5! You say she’s usually lovely so I’m going to presume this is the first time this kind of behaviour has happened.

In a short space of time she has her dad living with an unrelated child and has also just gained a sibling that gets to live with her dad too. It’s hardly surprising that there might be times when she’s acting up.

I could understand letting her mum know she’s unhappy if this was happening for weeks but in this instance she just needed a firm word about how she mustn’t do that to your daughter and then a lot of cuddles and reassurance from her dad that you all understand she’s feeling confused or upset at the moment because there’s a lot going on and you all love her very much. Recording it instead of just stepping in to stop it is bonkers and going to mum so quickly is also silly. I’m not surprised her mum has reacted like that to be honest.

i didn’t record to prove anyone bad, I wanted to see what the issue was when dad wasn’t in the room. I was supervising but went to feed baby

you were recording them to see what was going on because nobody was supervising them. youve already stated they were unsupervised as you were feeding the baby. Supervision of a five and two year old isnt occasional.

You also said you were recording to get proof the 5 year old was being mean. So you were setting her up.

A two and five year old can play downstairs with you while you feed baby
Dad could have showered the night before or took baby in a seat in there with him. I was a single mum and had to do that all the time and sang to baby while on the loo and showering
Supervise them
I presume this sort of thing has happened before if you were ready to record
That should have been the clue to supervise them

So what was his reasoning for leaving her for 3 hours in her room on an iPad?

Her mum sends her with her ipad, she sat in her room because that’s where she said she wanted to be we tried to get her to come out and we’re going up regularly to check on her

How can you say you were supervising them but also in the same sentence say you left to feed the baby. When you left to feed the baby you are no longer supervising them.

how long was this dad’s shower? Why couldnt he shower while you were supervising?

That’s what he was doing, I went to grab a bottle to feed baby

That is how dad dealt with it and mum told us to send her to her granparents and she was going to come and get her because she dosent want my daughter around hers anymore

It was. Her dad was supposed to be having his contact time and parenting her. He wasnt effectively parenting her. Then when there was a consequence to his lack of supervision, he phoned his ex because he is not parenting his child.

what could have been done better? He supervises his children. He showers earlier. Or when you are supervising them. And faster.

and ultimately, when an issue arises he deals with it at the time.

what did either of you expect her mum to do?

I feel very sorry for the 5 year old.

You set up a camera to record them while you expected to be out of the room for ten seconds?

If it was dad’s parenting time then it’s up to him where sd spends time.
If I was mum and got a call like that from ex then I’d assume that he couldn’t cope so would tell him to drop off at grandparents house where they could cope and weren’t going to be covertly recorded.
You knew that sd was struggling and instead of watching her more carefully, you recorded her because it benefits you to be believed rather than her behaviour monitored in the first place. The fact that your h has you watching the kids out of his earshot but doesn’t believe you when you say X happened is a major red flag and not to fault of the kids.
The decision to allow 3 hours of iPad alone in her room is also bizarre. She’s jealous of her siblings but you think that keeping her apart from the family for 3 hours was helpful? Was she allowed to play games and watch videos of her choosing on the iPad ? That’s not a punishment. Why 3 hours ? That’s excessive for a 5 year old child. What did you and her dad do during the 3 hours? If you were looking after the younger ones like normal then how does that fit into the problem that sd is jealous of her siblings?

This can’t be real

Ok - but why?

I’m a mum and also a step parent (no shared children).

Whilst I do send up my ex updates and he does the same, we don’t go into huge detail over poor behaviour unless there’s a specific reason to do so eg there’s a concern there’s something underlying going on.

My partner adopts much the same approach with his ex.

Her behaviour wasn’t acceptable, but what is her mum meant to do about it? If it is out of character behaviour then all telling her is going to do is cause worry and defensiveness.

I’m not saying that a 5 year old can’t be nasty, they can be. But she needs help to understand her own feelings better so she doesn’t lash out as she has done here. That takes time and focus.

Dont forget the two year old who is being raised to believe this man is her father.

I feel very sorry for this little girl. One minute she's the family baby, then her Dad brings home an actual baby that he's unrelated to, then 1 year later there's yet another baby! And then you set her up to fail! Good on the DM, btw you can't unilaterally ban her from your house just because your daughter is "upset" when it's SD house to.

You need to supervise and verbally remind them you are watching. Then you dont let her hide on her ipad, give her time in her room and then offer a story and cuddle. Btw will she lose her room to new baby eventually?

Have you ever met a 5 year old before?

This is so obviously a lie isnt it. I wonder hiw long they were actually left unattended

@TwylaSands
Yes, you’re absolutely right.
And also the baby.