Need help… what to do?…

[Mumto2girlz]

(a bit of background) my bio daughter lives with me and her step dad (she calls him dad as she’s known him since 3 months old and is now 2yrs old and we have a 2 month old together) his other daughter 5 comes at weekends, usually a very kind girl, a pleasure to have and be around. But this morning and yesterday was being a completely different kid when dad wasn’t in the room so I set up my phone to record what was going on when they were playing in there room together (in fear of not being believed) showed the recording to dad and could hear daughter 5 saying to daughter 2, “want me to push you AGAIN?” “You better not tell” and telling her to bite herself on her arm, (daughter 2 is struggling with emotions and when frustrated will bite her arm or hands) daughter 5 has heard us mention this. Dad dealt with daughter 5 and she cried and said she was sad she had been caught and didn’t think she would’ve been. Texted daughter 5s mum and she denied her daughter would do this, so sent the recording, she was more concerned why there was a recording. Anyway. Daughree 5 was sent to nanas house to be collected by mum and is saying she dosent know why she’s done this but has told dad she is jealous of daughter 2 and daughter 2 months, Daughter 2 is scared to play in her room now and is telling us things. Mum is now saying she dosent want her daughter around mine, so not sure how visitation will work now. We have a newborn, we can’t supervise 24/7 and are worried these incidents will escalate as nobody else is dealing with it. I have suggested she dosent come back until she has been to councilling and dealt with whatever her issue is, because listening to the recording it was just nastiness, pure nastiness even the tone. On here looking for suggestions or any advice tia x

Bloody hell, all this drama.

These poor kids.

They need consistent, attentive, kind parenting. Not sly spiteful recording to ‘prove’ they did something mean.

FFS you had these kids / got together with this man - grow up and be a parent.

I can’t parent a step kid that’s only there at weekends that is dads job, she’s not being pushed out at all. I recorded it as I knew it would be denied that daughter 5 would never do this, and does when nobody else is watching

Where's DP in all of this? He sees his 5year old DD two days out of seven - does he properly supervise his three children? Banishing her from the house until she has had counselling is nuts. I'll take a wild guess and say she has had loads of changes in her five years of life and only sees here dad two days a week when her young siblings see him all the time and now she's been sent away. Appreciate step-parenting is very tricky, but this little girl is being let down.

I think sending the recording to her mother was a mistake. I don’t think in the first instance, she even needed to be made aware of the behaviour. This is for you and your partner to manage.

But if her mum did need to be told, then a calm face to face conversation that didn’t involve you, would have been a better way to handle it.

She’s 5, which is still very young. That doesn’t make her behaviour acceptable but it’s important to keep in mind when trying to solve this.

There was nothing spiteful about it, I knew I wouldn’t be believed and won’t have my daughter scared, that it would be denied it had happened and it had

After dad spoke to her she sat in her room for 3 hours on her ipad
fuck i missed this.
5 year old left unattended for THREE hours.

you are terrible parents. Both of you. Absolutely shocking behaviour. Im shocked you have such little self awareness you started this thread.

i fully expect you to request this thread be deleted because it is ‘identifying’ when to gets to ten pages of people telling you how bad both you and your partner were towards his daughter.

Mum asked for the recording as she said her daughter wouldn’t do this

But what you should have done is SUPERVISE THEM.

Yes all 3 are supervised but dad does need to do other things, go to the toilet, get washed etc

No 5 yo needs an iPad. Or being segregated from siblings..
Sadly too late you have realised there are 3 dc in your life.

Well…yes actually. Because she is 5 years old, not 15.

I do, and completely different kid and when I bring it up I wouldn’t be believed so there is the proof.

Step back and read what you have written

You are blaming a 5 year old child

She is lashing out as she is unsettled and unhappy. She had your daughter to compete with and now there is a baby too

She needs help and understanding - instead you are setting her up to fail and recording it

Noted

OP it might go better for you (not just on this thread, in actual life) if you jsut accept what people are saying here instead of trying to justify what's happening.
As you posted to try an improve the situation presumably

It was always going to be a shitshow.
Him moving in with you when you had a 12 week old baby and he had a 3 year old. Then within a year you’re pregnant again and now there are issues.
Are you going to tell your 2 year old that he is not her biological father?

But why was her mum told at all? What is she supposed to do about the behaviour? Come around and parent in her dads stead?

Not at all, we have sat down. Dad more so and explained everything and anytime she wants to talk or dad feels they should they have one on one chats and talk and explain things. They have one on one time outside of this aswell to spend time together

Yes because children deserve the truth, and again we can explain to her and help her to deal with this

Yes, it was spiteful, sly and lazy so sit there recording instead of intervening. It was YOUR and your partner’s fault they this was allowed to happen to your two year old, and also that a five year old girl who has so far had a confusing and unsettling childhood is now further confused and unsettled.

Your two year old wouldn’t need to be frightened if you were PARENTING the children.

I too am very glad her mum is protecting her from you both. And I also hope you take a long hard look at yourself and your parenting before you mess up the other two.

I think your responses to everyone on this thread speak volumes.

She’s 5

You need to show her not just tell her

Include her in helping with the baby and the toddler - make her feel like the big sister who is important to help with the others

So she was aware of what’s going on

That is what we do, and have always done

Sibling jealousy happens in a lot of families and your attitude it to it very blasé and mean.

Gaining a sibling can be as stressful as your spouse marrying a second wife/husband. While hurting a 2 year old obviously isn’t the answer, she is 5 years old so can’t channel her feelings more safely. For example if she vented to her dad would he accept her feelings or defend the young ones/minimise her feelings ?

Your h (and to a lesser extent you) have handled this badly. Sd needs reassurance, not banishing from her dad’s house because he’s ditched his parental responsibility to her. All kids go through difficult periods and as they say, all behaviour is communication. She needs more love and attention, not less because she’s going through a difficult phase.

Her mum is doing what you are doing and prioritizing her child. What is your husband doing? I hope he’s not passively letting the women do the parenting when he’s the parent of all of the kids.

I had intervened many times but when dad comes back in the room different kid.