Need help… what to do?…

[Mumto2girlz]

(a bit of background) my bio daughter lives with me and her step dad (she calls him dad as she’s known him since 3 months old and is now 2yrs old and we have a 2 month old together) his other daughter 5 comes at weekends, usually a very kind girl, a pleasure to have and be around. But this morning and yesterday was being a completely different kid when dad wasn’t in the room so I set up my phone to record what was going on when they were playing in there room together (in fear of not being believed) showed the recording to dad and could hear daughter 5 saying to daughter 2, “want me to push you AGAIN?” “You better not tell” and telling her to bite herself on her arm, (daughter 2 is struggling with emotions and when frustrated will bite her arm or hands) daughter 5 has heard us mention this. Dad dealt with daughter 5 and she cried and said she was sad she had been caught and didn’t think she would’ve been. Texted daughter 5s mum and she denied her daughter would do this, so sent the recording, she was more concerned why there was a recording. Anyway. Daughree 5 was sent to nanas house to be collected by mum and is saying she dosent know why she’s done this but has told dad she is jealous of daughter 2 and daughter 2 months, Daughter 2 is scared to play in her room now and is telling us things. Mum is now saying she dosent want her daughter around mine, so not sure how visitation will work now. We have a newborn, we can’t supervise 24/7 and are worried these incidents will escalate as nobody else is dealing with it. I have suggested she dosent come back until she has been to councilling and dealt with whatever her issue is, because listening to the recording it was just nastiness, pure nastiness even the tone. On here looking for suggestions or any advice tia x

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You don’t need to keep typing the same thing over and over @Mumto2girlz

OP, it sounds like your DP/DH has stepped up to behave like a Dad to your 2-y-o, and that’s great. But I don’t get the sense you think of or treat HIS 5-y-o in the same way. Yes, of course she has a Mum of her own — but she needs to feel welcome and loved in her Dad’s (and your) home. When you say things like ‘I can’t parent a step kid that’s only there at weekends that is dads job, she’s not being pushed out at all’ it really doesn’t sound as you even like her — and she WILL pick up on that. It’s NOT just her dad’s job; it’s yours too because you’re in a relationship with him. That’s what you signed up for.
Of course you don’t want your 2-y-o being hurt or scared — but I also think you need to take a step back and look at this from a 5-y-o’s POV. She’s a little girl still and she’s acting out because she DOES feel pushed out.

Unsure why you chose to type this all out again

Not sure what you think counselling will solve. This is a parenting issue. Unfortunately, she will need supervision when at yours. You can't just say it's not possible because of your two other children. Sounds like you just can't be bothered.

This is vile. Why did you not intervene when you heard what was going on rather than record a child. A child who has had to accept first one child, then a baby within a few years. It would be tough even if she lived with her Dad full time, it’s going to be more difficult in this situation.

She doesn’t need counselling, she needs reassurance, and proper parenting, including time just with her Dad. You can’t leave a five year old and a two year old unsupervised. By you I mean you and your DP. Neither is she doing things on the sly, she’s only wee.

I am not surprised her DM is so concerned. You need to work out strategies to manage this, and your DP needs to explain to her DM how this will work. Hopefully she’ll be able to visit again.

usually a very kind girl, a pleasure to have and be around But this morning and yesterday was being a completely different kid when dad wasn’t in the room

So after one problematic weekend with some out of character behaviour, you've contacted mum and suggested the child needs counselling "as no one else is dealing with it?"

Maybe it's you and your parent who need to take parenting classes?

Because people are going off on her and she cannot see what she is doing wrong

You and your partner

If they don't play in their rooms but only the livingroom supervised, why have you more than once said you're not having your two year old scared to go in her own room if she wants to. A two year old shouldn't even be in a room unsupervised.

She needs fully supervising, firm boundaries, compassion and love. Siblings can be awful to each other, there’s nothing about this that stands out, particularly given that you say she’s usually lovely. You need to work on building the sibling relationship, not refusing to have her back in the house until she’s had counselling. The only shocking part for me is the massive over reaction. This doesn’t require counselling it requires parents chatting things through with her and supporting her.

This sounds like very normal 5 year old behaviour, some parenting classes instead of counselling for the 5yo would be a better use of funds.

If you need to leave to get a bottle, get the kids to come with you and "help" and try time things better (both you and partner) if you're struggling with 3 kids on your own. Don't be aware there's an issue with jealousy and set up to record, address the issue. You've set the 5yo up and shamed her for what is fairly normal sibling jealousy and likely caused a much larger issue, and also left the 2yo to be hurt in this instance.

We don't all get it right every time OP, but you've fallen far short of the mark here and can't seem to accept that. Remember you can't send your own children away when they display a behaviour you don't like, you're going to have to learn how to approach these things better.

Also, a 5yo should never be left unsupervised on an iPad and certainly not be on it for 3 hours. You and DP need to set better boundaries and make it clear you're in charge here and not her.

Maybe stop having multiple children so close together without having the resources (financial or emotional) to adequately parent them.

Let me guess... contraception fail?!

You are failing all three children with this attitude/environment.

You can't leave a two year old and a five year old alone together, ever - any two year old and five year old - they need to be constantly supervised. Your SD is a 5 year old child, of course she has no judgement. Any five year old would be dangerous to leave with a two year old. You need to have eyes on your two year old at all times, every moment - that is what it is like to have a two year old.

Your SD does not need counselling, your two year old won't be any more trustworthy when she is five. Because she will be five.

She is 5, this is basically 'normal' 5 year old behaviour towards a jealous sibling. It's nowhere near a counselling threshold, what are you expecting them to counsel?

If you think this needs counselling you are going to have a rough ride when your own kids get a bit older.

It's behaviour that needs dealing with and that's it. The 2 year old will be fine, and if she's worried keep her with you, so she doesn't go off with DSD alone. Easily done.

The 5 year old has been in trouble and likely won't continue this behaviour. Her mum really doesn't need to deal with it, if you and her dad have. She knows in your house, this does not happen. She is told if you hear her being nasty again to sibling she simply won't be allowed to play out of your sight.

This is a huge over reaction to something relatively normal. It might be a nasty tone, kids can be mean. They need teaching how not to be.

Oh ffs another innocent child fucked over by the new family

This is one of the worst threads ive read and been a complete suitable for the 2&5yo since you both got together.
Why keep adding more kids than you can adequately supervise or house.
So many of your posts contradic each other, of they only sleep in the bedroom and have to play downstairs, why is your 2yo scared to go in the bedroom and why was the 5yo left alone for 3 hours upstairs.

I hope you've doubled up on contraception, at least 2 of the kids here are heading straight into trauma.

Wow, this thread.

I can't imagine hiding away listening to your own 2 year old baby being hurt, and deciding you'd rather record it than help her.

What awful parents these kids have.

Unbelievable that posters are saying this is normal 5 year old behaviour.

It really isn't.

If the people looking after my 5 year old recorded her for evidence, I'd calmly ask for a copy too, and I'd get her away from the situation as quickly as humanly possible, you then wouldn't see her again until I'd had evidence of some intensive parenting classes including some kind of information on your ability to have learned from your mistakes-both you and the boyfriend.

You have recorded evidence of behaviour typical for children of that age who have been left unattended for significantly more than a second, congratulations on your poor parenting proof.

Too many children in a too small house, far too quickly. Whatever let you both to think anything here was a good idea is insane. I feel desperately sorry for all three children trapped in this mess.

Sorry you had to deal with this confusing situation OP, and sorry to see that as usual, you the step mother are getting flamed by a bunch of people who are clearly not step parents and have never had to deal with it so have no idea how they would truly react.

I think with any children getting used to a new blended family arrangement they will have feelings that they don't fully know how to process, and they will act out, this happens. Of course you have to make sure all children are safe, right now your 2yo.

I wonder whether it would be good to avoid any play in 2yos bedroom so that she can start to feel safe in there again, and perhaps all play is supervised for a while in family room/lounge?

Sounds like your DP isn't intending to drop the ball but he probably needs to step up for a while and be there all the time for their supervised play, be a bit more present for 5yo when she visits so that she feels valued and loved.

Wishing you the best of luck x

Normal attention seeking. behaviour of a 5 year old. You parent her as you would your own

This.
Your actions were a little twisted there OP. Also going straight to dsd's mum to 'tell on her' What was that all about? It would have maybe warranted a quick mention at handover but you chose to make it a massive issue.
You need to sort out your 2 year old biting herself. I've not known a child do that and one of mine was a biter 😬
You don't like the 5 year old. You want to make sure the 5 year olds mum knows how 'horrid' she is. You will ruin your relationship with your DP and his family if you carry on like this.
This all feels very weird for me to write this down as I ALWAYS defend stepmothers but yeah, I don't like this.
Have you taken anything from this thread OP? Or you still adamant you handled it the right way?

Just because your brother was doing awful things to you doesnt mean that all the other parents should just accept the same. I would have reacted the same way as OP. Just because she is 5 doesnt mean she cant be mean. For some reason Youtube suggests me videos about sociopaths and their behaviors show up early. Not saying this 5 yo is one, but none of my kids ever behaved this way.

Have you heard of sociopaths? These people exist and it starts at childhood. Check some interviews on Youtube. Assuming without knowing this child that they are nice and innocent is bizarre.