Need help… what to do?…

[Mumto2girlz]

(a bit of background) my bio daughter lives with me and her step dad (she calls him dad as she’s known him since 3 months old and is now 2yrs old and we have a 2 month old together) his other daughter 5 comes at weekends, usually a very kind girl, a pleasure to have and be around. But this morning and yesterday was being a completely different kid when dad wasn’t in the room so I set up my phone to record what was going on when they were playing in there room together (in fear of not being believed) showed the recording to dad and could hear daughter 5 saying to daughter 2, “want me to push you AGAIN?” “You better not tell” and telling her to bite herself on her arm, (daughter 2 is struggling with emotions and when frustrated will bite her arm or hands) daughter 5 has heard us mention this. Dad dealt with daughter 5 and she cried and said she was sad she had been caught and didn’t think she would’ve been. Texted daughter 5s mum and she denied her daughter would do this, so sent the recording, she was more concerned why there was a recording. Anyway. Daughree 5 was sent to nanas house to be collected by mum and is saying she dosent know why she’s done this but has told dad she is jealous of daughter 2 and daughter 2 months, Daughter 2 is scared to play in her room now and is telling us things. Mum is now saying she dosent want her daughter around mine, so not sure how visitation will work now. We have a newborn, we can’t supervise 24/7 and are worried these incidents will escalate as nobody else is dealing with it. I have suggested she dosent come back until she has been to councilling and dealt with whatever her issue is, because listening to the recording it was just nastiness, pure nastiness even the tone. On here looking for suggestions or any advice tia x

[MintTwirl]

Shes 5 and only sees her dad sometimes and even then she has to share him with a sibling who isn’t hers and a tiny baby. It’s hardly a surprise that she’s acting up with all that going on. Does your partner take her out alone and give her special one on one attention? Even whole siblings who live together full time get jealous and act out, you don’t send them away. It sounds like your partner dealt with her there and then which is what you do with young children, what do you want her mum to do?

Why was she sent to nanas house? Because she’d misbehaved or is this the usual routine?

[Mumto2girlz]

Yes they have one on one time, when we texted mum and said what had happened she told us to send her to her nanas and she would pick her up, sharing her dad must be a big change and hard to adapt to but I can’t have my 2 year old scared to go into her own room. Where does it end? When someone is severely hurt? We just let mum know what had happened and she flat out denied it would. After dad spoke to her she sat in her room for 3 hours on her ipad and didn’t come out or talk to anyone. Unsure what to do.

[Mumto2girlz]

@MintTwirl

Shes 5 and only sees her dad sometimes and even then she has to share him with a sibling who isn’t hers and a tiny baby. It’s hardly a surprise that she’s acting up with all that going on. Does your partner take her out alone and give her special one on one attention? Even whole siblings who live together full time get jealous and act out, you don’t send them away. It sounds like your partner dealt with her there and then which is what you do with young children, what do you want her mum to do?

Why was she sent to nanas house? Because she’d misbehaved or is this the usual routine?

Edited

Yes they have one on one time, when we texted mum and said what had happened she told us to send her to her nanas and she would pick her up, sharing her dad must be a big change and hard to adapt to but I can’t have my 2 year old scared to go into her own room. Where does it end? When someone is severely hurt? We just let mum know what had happened and she flat out denied it would. After dad spoke to her she sat in her room for 3 hours on her ipad and didn’t come out or talk to anyone. Unsure what to do.

[purpleme12]

? From the snippet of this post I can't see why she needs counselling.
She needs someone to be watching them all the time. That's how it is sometimes what you have to do.
Then it can be nipped in the bud

[BoohooWoohoo]

She’s 5- even if they were full siblings, the chances of sibling rivalry and jealousy would be high. 5 year olds seem massive compared to babies but it’s normal that they will be jealous of a younger sibling and unable to discuss their bad feelings in a positive way. I’m not saying that what she said is right but I think that treating her like she’s much older is very wrong.
5 year olds do impulsive and stupid things because they are 5. This is normal. Sibling jealousy can’t be cured overnight so your demand that she goes to counselling and gets things sorted before returning won’t happen. You have basically said that your sd is never returning and that’s going to make her even more jealous of her half siblings. I understand that sd can’t be left alone with her younger ones but banishing her isn’t the answer. When your older dd hurts the younger one, will you banish her to a grandparent’s house? I bet you don’t.

[Mumto2girlz]

@purpleme12

? From the snippet of this post I can't see why she needs counselling.
She needs someone to be watching them all the time. That's how it is sometimes what you have to do.
Then it can be nipped in the bud

The way what she had said was worded, the tone it was horrible. We have a toddler and a 2 month old we can’t have eyes on them constantly as it’s happening on the fly.

[MintTwirl]

You just don’t leave them unsupervised, it’s how life is when you chose to have dc close together in age. It’s easy to do, I‘be done it myself.

[YourSnugHazelTraybake]

@Mumto2girlz

The way what she had said was worded, the tone it was horrible. We have a toddler and a 2 month old we can’t have eyes on them constantly as it’s happening on the fly.

There's two of you. When she's there dad should be with her, and toddler if necessary, you look after baby. There's no reason at all one of you shouldn't be able to supervise her when she's there. She's not there 24/7 , it's a small part of the week.

[purpleme12]

@Mumto2girlz

The way what she had said was worded, the tone it was horrible. We have a toddler and a 2 month old we can’t have eyes on them constantly as it’s happening on the fly.

It may well have been horrible. But I still can't see a reason for counselling from what you've said.
The behaviour needs dealing with like when and child misbehaves whether nasty or otherwise.
There's two of you. The reality is that if you want to deal with this so it's sorted you need to make sure one is in the room til it calms down. It's doable.

[Mumto2girlz]

@BoohooWoohoo

She’s 5- even if they were full siblings, the chances of sibling rivalry and jealousy would be high. 5 year olds seem massive compared to babies but it’s normal that they will be jealous of a younger sibling and unable to discuss their bad feelings in a positive way. I’m not saying that what she said is right but I think that treating her like she’s much older is very wrong.
5 year olds do impulsive and stupid things because they are 5. This is normal. Sibling jealousy can’t be cured overnight so your demand that she goes to counselling and gets things sorted before returning won’t happen. You have basically said that your sd is never returning and that’s going to make her even more jealous of her half siblings. I understand that sd can’t be left alone with her younger ones but banishing her isn’t the answer. When your older dd hurts the younger one, will you banish her to a grandparent’s house? I bet you don’t.

It wasn’t me who sent her to the grandparents house, I understand this will happen but it was really horrible, I’d be sending my older daughter to councilling if this was happening with her to get to the root of the issue. If she is jealous there is not much we can do we include her as much as possible and have told her she is just as loved and wanted, being jealous is 1 thing, taking it out on a 2 year old and hurting them is different

[purpleme12]

The more OP posts the more horrible this thread sounds ☹️
Honestly it doesn't sound like you want to sort this at all.
It comes across that you want to shrug and absolve all responsibility from your house

[Mumto2girlz]

@purpleme12

It may well have been horrible. But I still can't see a reason for counselling from what you've said.
The behaviour needs dealing with like when and child misbehaves whether nasty or otherwise.
There's two of you. The reality is that if you want to deal with this so it's sorted you need to make sure one is in the room til it calms down. It's doable.

Mum has texted and said she dosent want her daughter around mine now, not sure how this will work

[Mumto2girlz]

@purpleme12

The more OP posts the more horrible this thread sounds ☹️
Honestly it doesn't sound like you want to sort this at all.
It comes across that you want to shrug and absolve all responsibility from your house

Not at all, but I won’t have my daughter scared in her own home. We are willing to deal with this and we thought we had but mum has text and said she dosent want her daughter around mine anymore so not sure how this will work

[TwylaSands]

@Mumto2girlz

It wasn’t me who sent her to the grandparents house, I understand this will happen but it was really horrible, I’d be sending my older daughter to councilling if this was happening with her to get to the root of the issue. If she is jealous there is not much we can do we include her as much as possible and have told her she is just as loved and wanted, being jealous is 1 thing, taking it out on a 2 year old and hurting them is different

She sid that because you set her up. You knew there were issues and instead of supervising play and helping the five year learn how to deal with jealousy and play appropriately, you secretly filmed her to prove she was ‘bad.’ Awful. Awful. Awful.

where was dad when all this was going on?

[MintTwirl]

She’s 5 ffs. Also why would you leave a 5 year old alien on an iPad for 3 hours? Why did nobody go in and play a game with her or read her a Tory or take her to the park or shop. No wonder she is sad and lashing out.

[GrazingSheep]

After dad spoke to her she sat in her room for 3 hours on her ipad and didn’t come out or talk to anyone. Unsure what to do.

He left his 5 year old in her room on an iPad for 3 hours??

[purpleme12]

@Mumto2girlz

Not at all, but I won’t have my daughter scared in her own home. We are willing to deal with this and we thought we had but mum has text and said she dosent want her daughter around mine anymore so not sure how this will work

Ok but that is how all your posts are coming across OP

[Mumto2girlz]

I didn’t say I can’t supervise, I supervise and daughter 5 is a different kid. I can’t have eyes on the back of my head and watch for every fly behaviour. I was feeding baby dad was getting showered for church and they were ment to be playing together

[Mumto2girlz]

Please elaborate on how?

[MintTwirl]

@Mumto2girlz

Not at all, but I won’t have my daughter scared in her own home. We are willing to deal with this and we thought we had but mum has text and said she dosent want her daughter around mine anymore so not sure how this will work

her mum doesn’t want her 5 yea old being set up and recorded instead of actually being parented. She can see her precious dd being pushed out and wants to protect her. Good for her.

[purpleme12]

Oh dear. I don't think you're getting the message.

[Mumto2girlz]

@GrazingSheep

After dad spoke to her she sat in her room for 3 hours on her ipad and didn’t come out or talk to anyone. Unsure what to do.

He left his 5 year old in her room on an iPad for 3 hours??

She didn’t want to come out? Didn’t want to talk to anyone? What are we ment to do force her ?

[PickledPurplePickle]

That poor little girl - I’m glad her mum is protecting her