Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

aw op this is tough on the kid - it's completely normal to want to be in a football team.

I drive for hours taking my son to football! 30 mins is nothing - totally normal where I live (outside London)

There is absolutely nothing here to be angry or pissed. off about

it must have occurred to you a young boy would want something like this?

My non-custodial father lived three hours away from me when I was a teen. I didn’t do anything with serious weekend commitments growing up, at least not until I could drive. But if I wanted to, I’m sure spending “quality time” with my dad would have come first. For my dad, that meant I was dropped at his house to do exactly whatever he wanted, with absolutely no consideration for or contact with my regular life. I hated it. I recall crying at times because it was just so lonely to be dropped somewhere, knowing that I was cut off from my usual home and had zero control.

I can only dream of how wonderful it must have been to have a divorced family where both parents worked together to help me maintain a life that felt coherent and not chopped up into little bits.

What sticks after all these years is, that my dad took absolutely zero interest in anything I did that occurred outside of his house. Somehow, even though my grandmother drove me 160 miles each way and dumped me with him every other weekend, he couldn’t seem to make that 160 mile journey in the opposite direction - EVER - to be a part of something that I had interest in and was important to me.

Oh, and was my activity a fad? My sometimes-weekend activity was playing an instrument in a classical orchestra. I’m in my 50s now and I’ve been a principal of my local community symphony for over 25 years. It’s something that has brought me lifelong joy and my interest has been handed down to my own kid. Never second guess what kids’ interests are. Don’t presume it’s a meaningless fad for them. How the hell would you know?

That sounds so shit, @TryingToBeLogical

It really is the kids caught in the cross-fires in these situations - no say in it, and no control over it.

Also agree with people saying, what use would the mother checking with the father have been? If he’d said ‘no’, would it just have been a case of everyone shrugging their shoulders, and going along with it, because the Big Man has the final word?

Sure - give him a heads-up. But not ask him, and then 100% on him to make the deciding call.

Change contact days? What if he does Wed/Thurs to Sat instead? Then he's always at mum's for his club on Sundays.

Step Mum here.

Parents who separate may be doing the best for their child because they are avoiding an unhappy or potentially toxic up bringing. Perhaps through no fault of their own, their relationship no longer works. There is no formula to getting being a separated family right and I am sure everyone has the best intentions.

But why should a mum, be expected to do all the running around.. but the dad's weekend is sacred? By the time the mum has finished her days work, ferried the children from A to B she probably has just as much 'time' with them as the father.

So if a child has an activity, that they want to do, then both parents engage. Regardless of distance, travel, or their 'value system' because when that child gets old enough, they will cut out any 'value systems ' that don't serve them.