Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

Your DH is being very selfish. It suits him on a weekday but not one weekend. Tough! He should have thought about weekends before moving an hour away!

If it's a Sunday why not just change the contact schedule so he goes back to mums on Sunday but you have additional Saturdays?

He should take him.

He wants to join the team his mates are on which is perfectly understandable.
I think your DP should be supporting him in wanting to play an active sport instead of sitting in front of a screen all weekend.

I think both parents should have had a chat before signing up to anything. However, that said I would have encouraged DS to join the team with his friends.

Given usual pick up and drop off are essentially part of your DH’s commute it’s not unreasonable to expect him to take DS to football twice a month.
DD plays a team sport - 2 x training a week plus games. Then she has a PT session plus 3 x gym classes per week as well as fortnightly physio (1hr away).

Even the local miles and running around adds up and that’s before matches up to 5hrs away!

I think he should suck it up and take him if that’s what his DS wants to do.

Why can't his mum take him on her weekend?

I would do anything I could to make sure DS could join weekly. If your DH doesn't want to spend every other Sunday taking him there, watching and then driving him back home maybe they can change the days they have him so he's with with you Thursday - Sunday am for example. That way DH only has to take him there and can go straight back home again after and he doesn't have to do the drive again on the Tuesday.

However, some of the best bonding times I had with my kids were in a car. They tend to open up and talk about all sorts when I'm driving.

Yes he should absolutely drive him. No question. Otherwise his son can't do extra curricular sport with his friends. It's twice a month.

Where has rhe OP said the mum isn't?

What happens when dss is invited to a birthday party on your partner’s weekend? Doesn’t he drive the 2 hours + so dss gets to attend ? I realise that football is every week and not random like birthdays.

Joining a football club, a dance team, or any other activity with your friends is a normal part of growing up. It is dad’s responsibility to facilitate this.

I’ve seen a few kids whose fathers refuse to let them come to meetings on the dad’s weekend and basically that means the child can’t be in the activity. It just doesn’t work to have the child missing half the time.

This was absolutely predictable. Dad chose to live far away. It’s dad’s problem to deal with. The child shouldn’t face negative consequences.

My ss comes EOW and only started football halfway through the year. His dad takes him no problem, it'd bonding time for them and a chance for one on one time.
Your OH should definitely do it for his son. That time travelling can be father and son time.

She is!

The child told his dad he wanted to go every weekend or he won't have practised enough to be on the team.

Ideally I would have been pre agreed but, children want to ay on teams with their mates. Participation in local team can be very important during teen years.

I don't see the issue of the commute? If your dh wants a relationship with his son he will figure out how to make it work. Because his son is coming to an age where friends outrank the rents!

I’d agree it’s normal weekend duties for any parents of kids that age. I’ve been driving mine round at weekends since they were 4 (now 16) with away matches even in the early primary days being at least 60-90 minutes drive away. The years they played both football and rugby so it took up most of Saturdays AND Sundays were especially fun!
Now it’s coming to an end (most away games go
by coach unless fairly local) I actually really miss those days- the car chats, the mad karaoke with his teammates, and even hours at a wind/rain swept pitchside. I’ve made some wonderful friends along the way and the benefits for kids of being involved in team sports are uncountable.

Can you find a nice gym or health club or something near by - then you guys could all go + pop off for a class / steam room / swim while he’s at practice. Then take him for lunch afterwards together. Could be a nice ritual for all three of you if you can find a way to make it work for all of you.

or if gyms not your thing then a library or a regular class of your own at an art studio. If you’re in London / fringes I’m sure there will be options!

I have a feeling if he doesn’t then SS will just stop wanting to be at your house.
as a SM to two that BM just organised what she pleased for them that it was frustrating BUT ultimately they’d shown a want to do it so she did it for them. SK all grown now.
I have 2 now and the eldest has played football every Sunday for the last 9years…no sign of it stopping (don’t want it to) so the youngest just has to come along to matches. Does it mean a Sunday is out for any other plans - 99% of the time yes but I wouldn’t change it! What a community/family we’re a part of!
the youngest will start football on a Sunday soon, that means us tag teaming all day and getting yea together! Next year it’ll Saturday for eldest and Sunday for youngest - that I’m not looking forward to as much but again we roll with it for our kids.
your OH has to step up here, as do you probably - he’ll love having you both on the sideline cheering him on!!
oh and commutes to games can be all over the place so be prepared for that too..our furthest travel currently is 1.5hrs from here so that on top of a match and the same on the way back - means we’re not home til gone 2pm! He’s growing so his time spent is changing, embrace it x

It's not unreasonable to moan about it but this is what is going to happen now. He's growing up not a passive child that things happen to. In a normal childhood you wouldn't be prevented from joining a football team because "you have to live with your dad every other week". It's totally not fair on child and of course he needs his friends around, they are the people that will stick by him as he grows up and support him. You can't let him grow up without that support network and kids get it by joining clubs and so on.
Find a way to enjoy that day, drop him off then have a fab day out nearby. Don't punish kid for being from divorced parents.
P.s. step mum to 2

I would also second changing the routine to Thursday- Sunday if possible so he can take him to his mums afterwards - if only because 7 hours in the car over just 3 days is a long time for a young boy and I imagine he'd be a bit drained at school during the week.

This is no different to any other parent. I'm not desperate to drive 90 minutes to some small village every Sunday morning to watch a bunch of 10 year olds miss the ball, but I do it every week. It's just what you do.

I’d maybe suggest that he does the club and then finds something to do in the area of the club/mum’s house for the rest of the day and then he’s taken home on the Sunday night rather than staying to a Monday.

This has always been a massive issue for us but with shorter distances. My ex moved a few miles out of town to another in neighbouring county. Only about 15 minute drive. My kids both have hobbies during the week and on weekends. The week day ones are in our home town and are only for eldest. Think brownies/guides/rangers type activities. Then they both have activities in a weekend. I picked the activities as they are actually nearer to his than mine, hoping that he would facilitate getting them there on weekends when he has them. No, not really. He works a lot on weekends as it is and his work is fairly ad hoc. His work takes him round the country as well. The weekend clubs always seem an issue as he doesn’t think he’s seeing them by just taxiing them between clubs. But that’s what weekends are like for kids. They’re older now and they’re just got to the point where they do what they want and if he wants to see them he needs to fit round their activities.

I should say that whilst activity for us aren’t that far they do clock up a lot of miles are they aren’t always activities parents stay at. My eldest does drama. 2 round trips of 40 minutes each for me there. One night in the week she does another drama which is also 2 round trips of 40 minutes. For some weeks when shows are on she goes from one drama club to the other one on the same day (her choice) so it’s a round trip of 40 minutes times 3 on those weekends. Add on my other child who does an activity on a Friday night where I have to stay for the hour so only a round trip of 40 minutes there. Then she goes back on a Sunday for a drop off activity at the same place so another round trip of 40 minutes puts me killing an hour in a coffee shop to save it being 2 round trips of 40 minutes and basically handing to turn around when I get home to go back. Lol. These activities for the other child are actually pretty much round the corner from ex’s house but he’s not involved with any of the facilitation of them.

Just crack on with it.

No I wouldn't do this . It's too much. Especially if there are any other kids in the mix as it completely disrupts any family time. Your DH gets to decide what he does with his son on his time - not to be signed up for his entire Sunday driving around without discussion.

If the child really wants to do this then contact needs to be changed for his mum to have him Sundays. She and son decided on this club without discussing it and therefore they should facilitate it.

A lot of parents who aren't separated drive that far to support their children's sports/hobbies as well. Your DP should absolutely prioritise this. This is what having children is about, making them a priority. You don't need to go with them, so why not enjoy the time to yourself?