Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

Very well put. I agree with this!

To be honest, children's hobbies come and go. He probably won't even do it for that long.

This is no rationale not to sign up, though. Not even slightly.

My takeaway from this thread is that kids in blended families are a). disadvantaged, b). have to just suck it up, and c). it’s all through absolutely no fault of their own.

Not in our house they're not @MidnightSerenader!

@MidnightSerenader
If you read my post, that wasn't an excuse not to sign him up.

From this thread, I would actually say it's wild that most people would want their child sat in a car for 2+ hours just for football every week and not actually spending fun & special time with their dad. Just me.

Nobody wants their kid to sit in a car for 2+ hours?! That’s the parents’ ‘fault’ for splitting.

If the kid wants to do activity X, most loving parents are willing to at least facilitate it.

And most kids - IF they’ve expressed a keen interest in X activity - regardless of whether their dad is with first wife or second - would rather do the activity AND spend time with Dad.

It’s just really shit that some kids are forced (though no fault of their own) to choose.

I can understand why but everything becomes so focussed on spending time that I think other wants/needs get a bit lost.

We’re just starting to reach the stage of clubs with DSC and we’re not sure how to tackle it - DP and I have different views. I get the impression he thought that our DC shouldn’t do clubs, etc on days DSC are here because spending time together as a family is the priority but I don’t feel any of the children should be denied that.

If you stop DSC doing things they want to do then they’ll just stop coming at the first opportunity they can. I think it’s generally seen by law as 10/11 years old when their wants re contact start being taken into consideration and then dad will have a lot less say in how often DSC are there anyway. Building relationships isn’t down to how many minutes are spent together but how those minutes are spent together.

It was always going to happen as DSS got older, if not football then something else sooner or later.

Most kids do something at the weekend and want to spend time with their pals.

Your DP was a bozo not to think of that when he moved an hour away.

I'd be gutted if I missed my sport and its social side every other week and I'm 47. And my parents haven't split up.

As long as the DC is happy with the 2hr car journey and feels the activity is worth it, then it isn't 'wild'. To the DC, it isn't 'just' football. I would prefer not to have to do so much driving, but I see part of my role as facilitating their interests where I can. I would suck it up given it is just 2 days a month (and already do when DCs' have a gala that is further afield).
It isn't about wanting to be in a car for that long, it is a natural consequence of the relationship breakdown where one parent moves away and you try to stop it causing them to miss out on anything else.

Time sat in the car chatting, singing along to the radio etc is quality 'special' time together. Cheering your DC on from the sidelines and sharing their interests is bonding and fun.
You can further the bonding experience by building in a regular little treat on the way there/back that they only get on mummy/daddy's week, or go one step further and really get involved by volunteering (DH has done this by becoming a Scout leader, and I'm currently training to be a coach for my DCs' main sport).

From this thread, I would actually say it's wild that most people would want their child sat in a car for 2+ hours just for football every week and not actually spending fun & special time with their dad. Just me.

@climbthathill129 Maybe they see that time in the car with their dad as fun and special. I have some of the most open conversations with my teenagers when we are travelling in the car.

Same. As kids get older, that solo time together is pure gold and some of the trickier issues, confidence and openness come out, as well as sharing our interests through podcasts/music/general chatter.

Just by way of a warning, my ex tried this with my son. He desperately wanted to do a weekend activity and he would not facilitate it on the weekends he had him. My son is 14 now. He voted with his feet when he was 12 🤷‍♀️. He sees his dad less than once a month now.

My ex and I work together to accommodate our children’s extra curricular. This includes being flexible on kid schedule and helping each other out to get them where they need to go.

My kids are now 10 and 12 and their activities mean an awful lot for them. They’d be really disappointed to have to miss a match cos we didn’t want you take them. (And some of their away matches are an hour away!)

We're going through similar at the moment.. In our case, the sport was on a night we didn't have DSD (11) but has now been changed to a night we do have her. DP ex (and DSD) live 5 minutes from this class whereas we live an hour away! It wouldn't be so bad if it was on a weekend (or even straight after school) but a 2 hour round trip for an evening class on a weeknight when we've both been in work all day?! DP suggested switching the night we have her but his ex has said no (bearing in mind we have switched nights plenty of times to accommodate her before). It's bloody frustrating but like others have said, you just have to grin and bear it whilst they're at school and want to do these activities with their friends. It's not DSD fault the class has changed or that her parents live an hour apart so she shouldn't have to miss out.

That isnt the point of this post and you know it. Do describe your situation please. I am 100% sure you have children as part of a 2nd relationship. But children from a 1st marriage/relationship shouldnt lose out because their dad cant be bothered. And for full transparency as I posted above my ex refused to take our DC to activities on "his" nights/evenings/weekends etc. No other children involved. And no offers were ever accepted if I offered to swap so that I would end up doing those events. With my ex it was totally about trying to upset me. Well what a wierdo - it didnt!

Football isn't more important than quality time with their dad and their dad's side of the family & siblings.
If you think it is then that's a complete shame.

I haven't said he shouldn't go to the lessons or matches, but any family occasion or plans would trump it any day so would need to be flexible. This would also depend on how much time the SC gets with his Dad & family.

This is coming from a step mum when we see our SC EOW and we aren't allowed more time because the mum wants the time with the SC - completely fair. So the days spent with our family are not always going to be sat in a car for 2 hours for football. Some would be missed and that's life.
The next moan would be that the SC is always missing out on the fun activities everyone else gets to do.

@climbthathill129 but then children can't be on teams. They have to be there on match days. Missing them simply isn't an option, they get dropped.

Of course time with parents is important but that sports team can make a massive impact on seeing them through teen years. It can form lifelong friendship groups, link to their community and give lifelong health benefits.

Surely parents can work around it to support that? My son's would see their sporting identity as a big part of their well being. It hasn't been easy and takes a lot of commitment but it definitely has paid dividends.

A couple of hours in a car is a small price to pay and gives valuable opportunity for dad and son to talk.

My SS does football and he just misses every other weekend as the distance is not doable (3hr drive), it's never been an issue. There must be other children on in the club who have this kind of schedule, it's not uncommon now.

@TraitorsHood not in my city, demand at top competition level outstrips places. So it's either turn up or shop out.

It's not fair on the team either, the building of set pieces is player specific. Thankfully my ex left it all to me (he visited during the week) so I didn't have to navigate this but I've seen friends son's and daughters lose their place in GAA, football and gymnastics.

My DS was unable to play in the local football team when he was at primary school for the same reason - Dad lived an hour away and refused to bring him on "his" weekends. As a result DS missed half the matches and ended up never being picked for the team for matches. In the end he just gave up. He's 22 now and it still rankles with him.

Your DP should take him.

My DH is a coach, there's not a chance someone who only manages every other weekend would play in his team. Especially as they need to be at training every week too. It's not fair on the other members of the team.

@DocOck I guess different teams are managed differently. My SS misses every other weekend but that's when they play matches, training is during the week (which he does attend every time). The weekends he's around he plays the matches, the others he doesn't.

Football isn't more important than quality time with their dad and their dad's side of the family & siblings.
If you think it is then that's a complete shame.

@climbthathill129 The point you are missing, is that it IS equally important to the children if it's their hobby and passion. It's not all about the adults. That time is important to my SS, far more than 'spending time with siblings'. He doesn't come to spend time with me, he comes to spend time with his dad and what they both enjoy, is football, so it IS quality time! These comments are repeatedly made by people who just can't be arsed. Normally stepparents (and I am one before anyone comes at me).

How old is your SS?

I dont know a single team - certainly not one where kids have had to trial for a place - where this would be OK.

If kids can’t commit to the team, tbey don’t make the team.

If it’s a social team, or a lower grade, maybe. But if it’s team where they take it seriously, no.

@DocOck is right - it might not (obviously isn’t) important to some step / non-resident parents. But it often really is to the child.

Agree @MidnightSerenader. It needs 💯 commitment. It's not fair on anyone otherwise. Those kids want to be the best they can be.