Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

Would he not just drive him there and stay with him for the activity though?

You'll get lots of replies telling you that you moved away and it's not fair to disadvantage the kid because of that.

I think your DP should take him. OF course the child wants to go to a club with his friends. And why should he suffer not being able to do extra curriculars properly because his parents are not together.

Yes I imagine he would, it's still a 2.5 hour round trip though...

Also, if he wants to still have relationship with his DS as he gets older, he should do this. Or he just won't come and stay.

This is why EOW is often unfair on children. Sports are always every weekend, it's pretty rubbish if you can never join a club as you can only attend every second week.
Would a contact schedule of same days each week work better going forward? My ds's best friend does Sun-Tue with Dad and Wed-Sat with mum and so can join clubs in each place.

I also think he is being unreasonable. Doing a sport with friends is good for a little boy. An hour drive is nothing in London and gives them time to bond in the car.

It is not the child's fault his parents aren't together though? Why does he have to miss out on something important to him?

All our kids clubs are weekends. If they were away EOW it would mean no football. Or swimming. Or gymnastics and obviously he wants to play with his friends. I think his dad should take him. Or change the contact days so he has him every Saturday and she has him every Sunday.

It's irrelevant that he didn't show interest in football before, as he's showing interest now! People develop new interests all the time!

The Friday and Monday commutes are just his regular work journey by the sounds of things, so it's not like he's going out of his way for his son.

I'd just bring him.

His son wants to do a club. So your dh needs to suck it up and facilitate what his son wants to do. It's nowt to do with the ex.

I would also add with sports that have matches, it is not unusual to travel for an hour or more to matches. It is not worth arguing on this one.

Yeah I'm on Team club here.

It's honestly so worth it. It's likely to be a priority for the child and will pay dividends whatever happens.

Doesn't make the team = at leat he tried and had fun. Understood his parents supported him.

Makes the team = fitness/friendships etc.

Honestly whatever activities you do instead will always be a lower priority for the child.

I totally agree that the ex should have had a conversation with your DP before signing DS up, and he's been put in a tough position which could have been avoided.

But, as he drives up to get him anyway, it makes sense that he supports the weekly attendance. What would he do otherwise? Just collect DS and then come home with him?

Football with friends is a massive deal for 8yo boys, so it is worth trying to make the best of this is you can, rather than fighting it. That doesn't mean it's fair on DP though.

When my dd played football it was 40 minutes away and now she does gymnastics three times a week which means two of our weekday evenings are spent driving around. One session is at the university gym in the city centre and it takes an hour to get there so we don't get home till 9.45 at the earliest.

That's what happens when your children get interests.

No one is being unreasonable here.
DS isn't unreasonable to want to play football
DM isn't unreasonable to chose same club as friends
DF isn't unreasonable to worry about the distance... especially as DS will also get the travel exhaustion!!

You just need to find a compromise that works for everyone.

One of my DC does a sport which (due to the specialist venue) sees many parents driving an hour or more to get there on a weekly basis - I know at least one family that is two hours away. I think your DP needs to suck this one up.

As it's a team sport he is going to want to go, to be with his friends and not let the team down. If his dad doesn't take him then you might find he doesn't want to come as often.

When children are young you take them to the zoo to give them a great weekend but as they get older they start wanting to do things that they have developed an interest in and they want to be with their friends.

Either change the days DSS Is with his dad to fit in with the football club or take him.

He's got to do it, this sort of thing is so important to kids and it isn't an unreasonable thing for him to want to do. 2.5 hrs on a weekend isn't unreasonable either. We do that on a weeknight for one of our children as her sport requires it, weekend would be easy street.

Your dh is BU. This is what parents do to support extra curricular activities. My dd trains 5 times per week for a sport, including once at a centre that is 1 hour away. We do it because it's important for them. Would I choose to? No. But it is what it is. Your dh is only doing it twice a month. He needs to suck it up.

Team club too, I'm sorry. It's not his son's fault his parents split up, and he wants to,play a regular sport, as most kids do. I understand how and why it's inconvenient for your partner, but unless he wants his son to decide he won't be visiting, which if he is never allowed to do anything because he has to see his dad is a good possibility, your partner needs to take him. His sons life doesn't stop every second weekend, and he wants to see his friends and play football

Team sport is important and nobody gets to choose to keep their kids weekends free and also encourage them to play sport. Weekends are when matches are on in most leagues. My kids have basketball, football and athletics on weekends, plus swim lessons although of course people can do them on weekdays. And as another poster said, as soon as they get good matches involve travelling. My eldest is 8 and the kids year or two older onwards travel a lot for basketball, you may as well just take him and get used to it. You don’t get to choose to ‘do a lot’ on weekends when there are kids who play sport.
I used to do a sport- from 14 I signed up to a marathon event that meant my dad had to drive 300km and go camping for a week with us and support as we competed in the event. Leaving on the 26th December and home on New Year’s Day. And I did that every year for the next 6 years 😁

Poor kid, just help facilitate him play on a team with his mates. Its what good parents do.

It's inconvenient for you. But I think it's really important that you try to facilitate this. It's not fair for DS to miss out because his parents are separated.