Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

Football training with friends means so much to the kids that are interested. It would be quite cruel to disrupt his training and will cause resentment.
Find a way to facilitate this. Either suck it up or change the contact schedule.

Clubs take up a lot of time. My DD does a dance class every Saturday which doesn't finish until lunchtime. She enjoys it, it's a pain at times but it keeps her busy.

It is unreasonable to stop SDS from doing a club he enjoys. If you say no to this then what will he ever be allowed to do?

Oh gosh, you've got a big set of shocks ahead of you if your DSS gets into competitive sport more.

We regularly drive more than an hour to get to matches all over the county, and then back again to go to afternoon activities.

Ultimately I also think your DH is unreasonable here, and being quite selfish. Both because this is a downside of moving away, and because this is just a normal part of parenting as kids get older, whether their parents are still together or not.

We do EOW and my DSS has weekend activities. He gets to go and join in regardless of whose house he is at. It's temporary and not forever. I think your DH should accommodate it.

Just take the poor kid. Of course he wants to go to a club with his friends.
It’s really hard for kids with separated parents to maintain a social life when they get shipped all over EOW and in holidays. When he’s a teenager and wants to start going bowling or the cinema or wherever with his friends and has to miss out all the time because it’s Dad’s weekend, he may be reluctant to even see his dad very often.
Your DP should happily be putting himself out (it’s only EOW!!!) because soon enough his son won’t want to spend weekends with him and would rather be with his friends. Tell DP he’s been given an easy-win father-son activity to bond over and he’s being very shortsighted not to agree to this.

Athletics is a good 3 hours most weekends so add 20 mins there and 20 mins back, you’ve had your match and returned in about the same time as we’ve gotten to and back from aths.

Yes, there should have been a conversation between the parents, but your DP needs to give it a go. It's two days out the month, an extra 5 hours driving per month.

Most teams train at least twice a week, in addition to game days.

This kind of thing is really important to kids, and how some of the best memories and friendships are made.

Speak to the coach. My ds attended training eow. Still got to play the matches.. Even when exh dragged a huge backpack and placed ds's trophies on the desk trying to get it ordered I take him the judge deemed time with me and siblings more important..
.

It’s not much of a dilemma, your boyfriend can drive his child to his hobby. The fact that he can’t be arsed is irrelevant. The child will vote with his feet if his father refuses to do basic things like this🤷‍♀️

Nobody is unreasonable here.

Dss isn’t unreasonable to want to join the same team as his friends.
Ex isn’t unreasonable to support dss . Most parents support their kids being active with their friends.
Your h isn’t unreasonable to baulk at the travel. Has he considered away matches also being an hour + away?

Not even trying this club could result in dss voting with his feet. It’s not his fault that his parents split and dad moved away. As he gets older, weekend contact was always going to be harder on dss as his desire to be with friends, girlfriend/boyfriend and activities like part-time jobs was going to increase. While it’s annoying for your h, centring his weekends on dss will probably help their relationship.

Could a compromise be that he goes on one of your weekends a month? That way the boy would only miss one session per month.

Yes, agree you need to try to facilitate the club.

We’ve had this and we just “sucked it up” and did it; its frustrating in how it’s been done but none of it is your DSS’s fault. Our own experience was that it wasn’t that bad as the practice is not all the time due to football season and DSD who is now a teen has mentioned that she’s glad we did it and she didn’t have to miss out. It’s hard sometimes having separated parents so we did what we could to make it easier

Parents all over the country spend their weekends ferrying their kids to clubs and matches. It would be very unfair if your DH didn’t facilitate his son being able to compete at football with his friends. He won’t be able to do football every other week and it would let the team down if he did so wouldn’t get picked for matches.

It is inconvenient and a pain in the bum, but I think you DP needs to do it. This is just what happens sometimes when you have kids.
DD1 was selected for a dance group that had practice on a Thursday evening and Saturday morning at a city 45mins away. DD2 was (later) in a cross country club and we spent Saturdays going to some very random places and standing in mud and often rain - was it a pain? Absolutely! Would I rather have been doing something else instead? Absolutely!
I think this is not particulary a step parenting issue as such, just an issue that arises when you have kids and you try and facilitate them doing activities that they show and interest or talent in.
Also you DP could look on the journey as quality time spent together - DD1 is 25 and we recently had a laugh about some of the games we played in the car on the way too and from her dance classes.

Can you rearrange your contact time so you do every other Weds - Sunday instead, so on his weekends your husband can take him to football and then drop him off at his Mum's afterwards? At least that would cut out one commute a week.

Participating in team sport is good for physical health, mental well-being and social skills.

It is so sad that children who are already dealing with the complexities of having two homes miss out. For teens it gets even more complicated if they regularly miss out on ad hoc socialising because they are away every other weekend.

Your partner should think hard about what message it's sending his son if he won't facilitate him being in a team.

Many parents spend hours each week taking their kids to training or sorting fixtures.

Sorry Team Club here as well. My dc really missed out because their dad wouldn't facilitate activities on "their" weekend or evening. My dc didn't have a lot of confidence and these activities would have helped that. Possibly suggest to ex that dad drops back after tea on Sunday.

He takes it because that’s what parents do
do i love to schedule my Sundays around DD clubs? Do I love that some Saturday’s we leave the house at 7am and are not back until after 9pm because there was an away competition?
spolier alert - no to both
but she loves it, it keeps her active, sports have so many benefits - and honestly all parents do it
do other parents love standing every weekend around an outdoor sports pitch when it’s cold and raining - absolutely not, but you support your kid
its just what happens when your kid gets close to teenage years and are involved in sports (ok, yes they all miss the odd event, since family commitments, and that’s ok) - and just wait until they start wanting to spend all weekend with friends instead of you - if you live far away, you either facilitate or get a very resentful teen

Dh started SS at a football club near us ( his mum lives a good 45 -60 min journey away). He goes and picks him up from her house for training and weekend matches (even when it’s not his contact days). She never takes him but dh likes the extra time with SS. Our weekends are completely taken up by sports for our three. Unfortunately parenting is a lot of putting your convenience to one side so yes he should take him. He’s not your responsibility however so how much you let this impact on you is another matter.
Do you have a child together yet? You may want to consider the impact all his travel and contact time will have on you and any potential children

Weekend sports do take over family life, Im afraid that parenting can be inconvenient and interfere with your social life.

Theres nothing you can do but take him. It affects all families the same - you are luckier than most as you have two adults not one AND you only have to do it half the weekends AND you don’t have other children whose needs you have to accommodate.

Parents all over the country spend their weekends ferrying their kids to clubs and matches.

This.

Most people I know do this. I do this.

Your DH should count himself lucky that he only needs to do it twice per month. My kids’ clubs aren’t even restricted to the weekends, I am driving them though the week too.

It’s what parents do. Your DH needs to deal with it.

Also something to consider - as kids get older, time alone with them in the car can be pure gold. Chatting, sharing interests, listening to music or podcasts or whatever and having a matter about them.... The opportunity to have that time with your kids without distractions as they get towards the teenage years can be something really special.

Your husband should take his son. It’s not his sons fault that his family life is complex, and wanting to be on a team with his mates and associated with his main home area is a perfectly valid reason to choose that team. These sorts of activities are tremendously important for kids his age. He is in the formative years of starting things that may bring him a lot of fun and happiness throughout his life. Don’t hobble him because of adult situations and decisions that he had no control over.

Team club.

Supporting your children's interests and helping them develop skill sets is part of parenting. He also will have the chance to bond with him over something your SS is interested in.

Of course he wants to go with his friends. By saying no there is a real risk that EOW will drift away

Your SS is reaching the age their friends/social life and interests will come before visitation, and if your partner wants to keep a good relationship with him through his teams he needs to use every opportunity to bond and spend time with him.

I don't any of my friends who don't spend hours a week ferrying their kids around to one thing or another. It's twice a month, if he doesn't want to do then change visitation so he is at home on Sunday mornings.