Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

Most people without a car don’t move an hours drive away from their children’s school/friends.
We live in a small city where most clubs can be accessed by walking/bus and many people don’t have cars. Away games are very carefully organised with car shares or a minibus hire.

Honestly? Suck it up and take him! It won't be too many years before he's not wanting to spend time with Dad so much as he wants to hang out with his mates. Childhood is short.

I think I would just take him, it's clearly important to his son and personally I would reinforce that it's great he's so vested in a sport.

My experience of family court is that (despite the obvious benefits to the child) this is regarded as parental preference.

And for those posters suggesting alternative weeks. It really doesnt work at all for anyone. Any activity with practice or rehearsals - it's a no go. It was even tricky for us with Scouts/Cubs etc who were brilliant at dealing with the separate parent households and catching up on badges. I was "lucky" in that my DC wasnt a joiner-in and didn't really want to be part of an organised club, so it meant the reluctance of his dad to co-operate and take him to events was quite hidden for a long time. We lived less than 10 miles apart.

We’d do it.

Honestly it’s pretty normal to be out 8am
to 1m on Saturday when they’re this age. Most kids do a sport/hobby at that sort of time,

I just don't understand this middle class obsession with thousands of extra curricular clubs for children.

Yes, if your child has a particular talent for something, and is achieving well at it, then go ahead. But not every child has to spend all their after school time being ferried from one activity to another. So many children are average at best, and abandon these activities as soon as they have the opportunity to do so. Every 8 year old discovers an obsession with football, because all other 8 year olds have an obsession with football.

It is quite reasonable for a parent to decide to prioritise reading/creative play/exploring outside, particularly when a child is only half way through primary school. Life doesn't have to be structured 7 days a week, particularly for small children who can just get exhausted. It is also reasonable to consider the needs of other children in the family, who can end up being ferried to and from activities that are not even their own. I spent hours wandering around the garden playing with frogs and making potions. I think this was just as much part of my childhood development as my music lessons. My kids spent Saturday morning den building in the garden, reading (in the den), spotting birds and learning how to light a fire. I don't think that this is necessarily of less worth than whatever club they could have been signed up for.

If you are a non resident parent, decisions are made for you by the resident parent, and you are then just expected to do what you are told. That is completely unreasonable. Step families have a right to consider what works for them as a family, just as other families do. And non resident parents have the right to decide what happens on their time, and what activities they prioritise.

Some people are suggesting that contact should be reduced with the father if he can't facilitate this activity. That is ridiculous -- you are arguing that some amateur kicking of a ball around a field is more important than the father-child relationship . If more women understood how essential it is that a child has a relationship with their father, we would have far less dysfunction as a society. Every other weekend is hardly enough to facilitate this as it is.

To the OP, what do you genuinely believe is best for the child? If you think it is football (because of enthusiasm/talent), facilitate the activity even though it is inconvenient. If you think it is time at home (because of tiredness/commuting/limited contact with father/other activities or interests) then say no. I think you should be considering the child's needs honestly, but you absolutely can say no!

@KatMansfield6

"I just don't understand this middle class obsession with thousands of extra curricular clubs for children"

Football isn't a middle class obsession. It's been played every weekend by working class kids for generations.

Let the kid play for his team with his mates every week.

Clubs in general are absolutely a middle class obsession . And there are very few working clas parents who can afford to drive hours every weekend to the various clubs which have been prioritised throughout this thread. And it's not just kicking a ball about. It's hours of driving and a big section of everyone's weekly downtime. Which might be a reasonable sacrifice but it is a sacrifice. He can go to the local park and kick a ball around with friends if that's what he wants to do.

It's the "clubs are obviously more important than anything else" responses which I was responding to. They're just not.

And the responses of "dads just have to do what their ex wives tell them to". They just don't. Dads can make their own decisions about the priorities they have for their children.

The sacrifices you make when you decide to have children.

Having children doesn't mean taking them to an unlimited amount of clubs. And it's a sacrifice for the child too.

It's not a sacrifice for the child. What utter nonsense. A sacrifice for them to do something they want to do. And it's not unlimited either. A football match once a week? Give over. What a sad way of viewing life.

Hours of driving to and from the activity is surely a sacrifice for the child? And thinking that there are more important things in life than football is not sad. Thinking paid for structured activities are the way to happiness and fulfillment is a far sadder way of looking at the world.

I would just facilitate the interest and enjoy it. It really should be a joy rather than a burden for DH to share in an interest with his child. It also means he gets to know DSS’ friends etc, and is a more present part of his day to day life. It might be worth you and DH talking about how you will manage this moving forward. Your DSS is approaching an age where friends, hobbies, and life outside the home holds great value and is equally important for him. There will be more hobbies/interests/birthday parties he needs transport to in the local area, and ideally he will want his dad being part of his life. Finding a way of making the travel more enjoyable might help, as is reminding himself that this would probably be life with a child anyway…. And it only gets worse, DH and I aren’t separated, but we are both child taxi services and sport/social life facilitators. It’s just what we decided to sign up for when we had kids.

If that is what the child is passionate about, it's not a sacrifice for them. That's a cop-out response from a lazy parent.

This is all part of parenting @Pollyknew2

Your DH should absolutely facilitate and support his sons interest in being part of this football team. Go together united as a family on your weekends with him and support his interests.

Thinking paid for structured activities are the way to happiness and fulfillment is a far sadder way of looking at the world

Yes, following up on something that your child has asked to do with his friends is terrible parenting. Why would playing a sport with his mates make him happy? Little wretch.

Push him in a ditch to reconnect him with nature and her bounty. That will fulfill him.

It’s not just the activity itself - but the child being able to do things with their friends. The child wants to play football on a team with their friends.

One of the hardest things about being an EOW kid with divorced parents is that you can end up missing out on stuff with your friends. Especially if your parents live a long way apart. It gets worse as you become a teenager and it’s really quite horrible feeling guilty for not really wanting to trek over to dad’s for the weekend again.

Dependent on family time and other commitments yes at times my children got told no this is not possible. I think that is massively important to do. Everyone's needs has to he considered. You will also notice I said in my post I ferried 3 teenagers around for sports so I would assume could work put we spent many hours on this over the years.

Again the main issue here is mum making a decision that impacted dad without any level of communication occurring. Going forward that should not happen.

I have not actually expressed a view on what I feel ops dh should do as what really matters here is what they wish to do.

His dad should take him to his football on the weekends he has him. It's unreasonable to ask his son not to go every other week and of course he wants to join a team that his friends go too.
Children deserve to be able to go to their clubs, it's not their fault their parents aren't together and they shouldn't miss out on something because their dad doesn't want to take them.
As soon as the child is old enough he will turn around and say he's not coming. Be careful.

As soon as the child is old enough he will turn around and say he's not coming. Be careful.

Or (and this is the worse scenario), the child will feel horribly guilty and obligated to keep coming but also resent missing out on being able to play football and see their friends. And then feel even more guilty about resenting it.

All of which is absolutely not a foundation for positive mental health in life.

Again you obviously HAD public transport at your disposal. Its not so reliable everywhere. If the vlub finishes at 7 and last bus is 5.30? And its not other people's responsibility to ferry your kids around

Only middle class kids it seems. We'll invoving parents anyway. My brothers used to play football over the park with mates. No need for structured team ferried to and from by parents. Having grown up in a deprived area and now living in a middle class area I can definitely see the difference

You’ve a (shared?) DD too, OP, yes? To be honest, this is just what parents do, one parent goes to one activity, the other goes to another, and Saturdays are taken up that way.