Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

I was just going to say exactly that- it's the norm here to be out at some kind of football all morning at the weekend.

I feel like this is a good compromise.

Your experience isn't universal.
We live in a road of council and ex-council properties (around 50/50 mix), and the neighbouring street and connecting main road is the same. Pretty much all the kids do activities, regardless of whether their parents are working, not working, middle class or working class - it's a village community, so we all know each other to talk to and which DCs do what. Most swim in some capacity, a good number do Scouting, a surprising number (given the associated costs) ride horses, there are a few kayakers, lots of footballers, some performing arts, martial arts, cheerleading, Saturday morning music school, tutoring... the list goes on. There are definitely some activities that are more likely within the different demographics (eg, here WC = more likely football and horse riding, and MC = more likely kayaking and music school), and others like swimming and Scouting are fairly equal.

This was going to happen sooner or later, OP.

You can’t have thought you’d get away with zero weekend activities!

And so what if he’s never shown interest before?

My 13YO DD has just picked up (yet another) new sport.

A slightly different question but if you have an 8 year old who needs carting around for football however many times a week , how does that work with any other kids you may have. It's not possible to be somewhere with Rupert playing football at the same time Jemima is playing polo an hour in the different direction

Well, yes it is.

Plenty of parents split up and take one child to one activity, and the other to another.

Not saying everyone can necessarily do that, but plenty of people do do it.

Poor little guy, he does need his father to step up and if he thinks 2.5 hours is too much, to work out some kind of compromise with the adults - ie approach his Ex himself in a collaborative way.

Well it's bloody difficult in case of the OP. If it's dad has kids at weekend then no way would he be able to take 2 to different things at same time Same with people whose partners are at work and virtually all single parents. So only the kids with 2 parents that don't need to work at weekends and have 2 cars can generally do that

Yes, he needs to take him. Kids shouldn't be penalised for their parents' separating.

You sort your activities and schedules to suit. We have five kids and manage everything perfectly fine with a bit of juggling.

Only middle class kids it seems. We'll invoving parents anyway. My brothers used to play football over the park with mates. No need for structured team ferried to and from by parents. Having grown up in a deprived area and now living in a middle class area I can definitely see the difference

@Samlewis96 We're not middle class by the very definition; we are working class, and I grew up working class. Plenty of the kids I grew up with played in competitive teams; it was very normal. The ones that didn't were generally the kids that didn't want and were happy kicking around a ball but the fact of the matter is that some kids want to learn proper football skills and want to play competitively. And there's nothing wrong with that. It's good for both physical and mental wellbeing and shouldn't be taken away as an option just because one parent finds it inconvenient.

So families with more than 2 kids all just sit at home at the weekend? Or pick their favourite child, and that one gets to do all the activities?

When parents decide to separate children are affected. What they do at the weekend is affected , how much they see each parent is affected, their social life is affected, their housing and family life is affected. Too many women separate and then insist their child's life can't be affected. It already has been. And what they really mean is that a continuing relationship with their dad is now too disruptive to the "core" family routine. Seeing friends is more important than seeing their dad, doing activities is more important than seeing their dad. It is of course great if a child's (often passing) desire to do a particular activity can be facilitated. But this should not be at the expense of a child's relationship with their father. And prioritising family time at the weekends is not some evil plot, just a different value system. It's especially important if parents work, children are split between homes etc. For a dad who sees his child for 24 hours a week, sometimes protecting that 24 hours is more important. Sometimes you need to prioritize what you know is best for a child, rather than their passing and superficial wants.

The world doesn’t centre around fathers though. The idea that children’s own social lives or interests are less important than dad (and dad’s feelings) is just the patriarchy boiled down.

Everything stops and centres around playing your role as dad’s child EOW. Meanwhile, the children’s mother spends ‘her weekends’ facilitating all the friends and activities and everything else that dad has decided HE is more important than.

It would be easier if kids just didn't have to see their fathers wouldn't it?

Fathers are not disposable, however much separated, bitter ex wives want to think they are.

Missing the point because the misogyny is too tempting.

Maybe fathers could prioritise things like enabling the children to see their friends or other clubs or all the other things that actually mean putting themselves out for their children.

When the children don’t want to go to dad’s because he won’t take them to clubs or let them stay at their friends etc (because it must all be about him), it’s so easy for him (and people around him) to play the victim of the evil ex and her nasty alienation. Because actually thinking about what the kids want (which you’ve already dismissed as less important than what suits dad) would be ridiculous.

Someone is indeed coming across as very bitter.

I am completely disinterested in what "suits Dad", it is in the interest of the CHILD have a relationship with their Dad (unless he is abusive). Isn't it?

Distance reduces what is possible, and changes what is in the child's best interests.

The need for other children to see their dad has to be balanced against the child's desire to do an activity.

Very limited access time reduces the ability of fathers to facilitate activities without virtually losing contact altogether. This isn't making it all about him, but resisting the constant attempts by some mothers to reduce contact to virtually 0.

Don't separate if you want your child to have the advantages they would do if they were part of a nuclear family.

Having a relationship with dad does not preclude him taking them to clubs. Or facilitating them spending time with friends.

Shouting about the rights of the child, doesn’t change the fact that your version of family life is absolutely centred around the man and what he wants.

Don't separate if you want your child to have the advantages they would do if they were part of a nuclear family.

What a perfectly idealistic stupid view.

Not everyone has the choice.

No, that is not what I have said. You absolutely should take a child to an activity if it's possible.

But there are many ways in which access arrangements/distance/other children/single parenting/finances make that very hard if not impossible to do. NRP are in a different situation than resident parents, and single parents are in a different situation to those who are still together.

A man can absolutely make a judgment that it is not in the interest of the children to do a saturday morning club as this will necessitate three 2 hour commutes in a 24 hour period for this child and their siblings. He can absolutely decide that, if the children's only access to him is a Saturday morning, it is important that they go to breakfast together/talk about the week/build a relationship. They can do clubs the rest of the week.

If access arrangements/distance/other children/finances make it possible to facilitate clubs, and the child wants to do them, of course the Dad should put in the effort.

The point I am making is that separation changes things. Sometimes the things that are possible when you are together, are no longer possible when you are separated. You have to come to terms with that.

This. These experiences are very important in forming friendships and experience at school. It is hard, but except for the driving your partners son is at the age when these things starts and his life will have a big impact on yours that’s just the way it goes for now.

Yes. I agreement will be one size fits all through the life of a child.the adults need to figure this out.

Of course the ex has set up your DH to seem like the bad guy without having a discussion first. She knew what the answer would be so she has upset her son doing this. But don't worry - this is Mumsnet so your DH is wrong 😝

Could a solution be that in a 4 week rotation, your husband takes him one week and he can miss practice on one of your weeks?

This way you can actually make plans together on that specific weekend to do fun things with SS & also together with family too. Or agree to take him to football unless you have some plans come up or need to do something else all together.

I think it's important for your SS to spend his small amount of time with his dad, actually with his dad. Not sat in a car like other users on here do.

To be honest, children's hobbies come and go. He probably won't even do it for that long.