Weekend club - what to do in this situation?

[Pollyknew2]

I would like to get different perspectives on this situation please as I'm not sure what the right thing to do is...Apologies if this is long but need to explain the situation properly.

For background, I have a stepson who is 8 and been with my DP 4 years. We bought a house together start of 2022 which is around an hours' drive away from DP's ex. However, this doesn't affect his contact schedule with his son as his work is only round the corner from DDS's school so he can do the pick ups & drop offs with no issue. He was also renting the same distance away before buying with me, as ex lives in a London borough and we simply couldn't afford anything, not even a 1 bedroom flat in the same area as his ex. We have DSS every other weekend Fri - Tues, plus every Monday and half of school hols.

A few weekends ago DSS said to his Dad that he has joined an under 11's football team on a Sunday which is around a 15 minute drive from his mum's house (but 15 mins on further for us) and can he also take him when he is over ours as well... My DP thinks this is too far & too much travelling on top of the hour's commute they do on the Fri & Mon, as it would basically be a 2.5 hour round trip. He explained this to DSS who seemed upset & said that this will mean he will never make the team as he needs to attend practice sessions every week.

I am feeling a bit miffed by this if I'm honest. Not the fact he's asked but because there's been no communication from his ex about this or discussion and now DP is 'the bad guy' for not agreeing to take him on our weekends. I must admit we do a lot at weekends with DSS and it will impact on stuff we can do, as will mean leaving at 8am and not getting back till 1ish on the Sunday. We have looked into the details of the club and the other teams they play are all further afield as well.

Yesterday DP got an email from his ex basically in simple terms calling him a shit Dad and that DSS is super upset. DP went back & explained his reasons, and proposed a club maybe just over the half way mark from him so this would be more doable, but this was refused as apparently DSS's friends go to this club. What would everyone else do in this situation? I go from thinking that DP should just take him, it's what DSS wants and it isn't his fault we've moved far away, to then thinking this is an unreasonable request, and DSS has never really shown any interest in football before!

Any thoughts are welcome, thank you.

My children live with me and had EOW plus one night midweek with their dad. I never signed them up for weekend activities. It didn't feel fair to expect him to lose a significant part of his time with them to an activity, and I didn't want part of my time with them to be committed to something every weekend. We did sports after school (gymnastics/swimming).

I definitely think she should have discussed it with your partner before signing him up for it.

It would be good if there is a way to facilitate him doing this, obviously - I think the suggestion of taking him every other weekend he's with you sounds like a good idea

8 is a perfectly normal age to become more serious about playing football. My DS started at 7 & is still playing for same team now he is 16. & even though it takes over our weekend plans we encourage it because he loves it & gets to play with his friends/its great exercise. Not your DSS fault his parents have split up & you've moved away really.

@canttellyouwhereorwhatido what do you think people with multiple kids do?

That none of them do activities because it interferes with family time?

Or is it not more likely it is built into the family schedule and is family time, and the kids schedules are facilitated.

Why would he want to pass up an opportunity to get involved in his child's activities/meet his friends/friends parents. His son has a whole life that EOW visitation disconnects him from.

Yeah great message to send to his son. Sorry son I just can't be bothered with that bit of extra effort it takes to be involved in your life. Back to mam you go.

8 year olds play sport
sport is on a weekend
yes, they like to play with their mates

yes, ex should have run it past his dad
she didn’t, move on, sign him up

its simple

Of course the child’s father should take him to his football. That’s what the boy wants to do. Just te the man to parent.

Without doubt, I think your partner needs to do this for his son. My husband has spent the past 9 years running around after our son to faciltate his football hobby, running him here there & everywhere.

Unfortunately this is what real life with kids is about. Inconvenience if you choose to see it that way. I've spent the last 20+ years going to both my own children and step children's sporting activities and often this involves a lot of driving miles from home. So every other week is actually a bit of a bonus situation from my perspective! Let the boy go to his football with his mates - think about how good this is for him to be a part of for both physical and mental health - think how happy he'll be that his Dad is there to watch his progress. It could be a real bonding opportunity. Maybe you could go too - get some fresh air and a coffee - have a walk. Have a chat on the touch line - you'll be shouting support for his little team in no time. Go for a nice pub lunch after.

Bottom line is that the contact is for the BENEFIT of the child, not the parent. Team sports and physical activity is a great benefit to kids.

Sometimes being a parent means getting up early when you don't want to, driving places that you don't want to go to, standing at the side of cold, wet football pitches when you don't want to. It's what good parents do.

If the distance is proving a problem, maybe your DP should go back to renting near where his child is, so he can attend the things that matter to his child more easily.

If home-ownership is important, then he needs to suck up the extra driving that comes with moving further away.

This is only going to become more of a problem as the child ages. When it's Friday night and your DSS wants to go to a party at his mate's house (an hour away) and be picked up at midnight, and then a different party at a different's friends house on the Sat.

And again you'll either have to do the drive, or refuse (& have your teen declare they hate you) or accept the child will stop visiting.

Life is tough and parenting is tough and it takes sacrifices, but you do that for the BENEFIT of the child.

Your DH (and you it seems) are being unreasonable. It's not a child's fault the parents aren't together or that he wants to join the football club his friends go to. Why should he suffer because of adults. A lot of kids clubs are every weekend and going every other week is never ok.

Team club too.

I have seen several divorced dads refuse to facilitate their DCs hobbies and feel so sorry for the kids. It’s like these men don’t realise that they are parents and that supporting their child involves a bit of work and inconvenience. Every time it’s ended up with the child stopping contact once they are old enough and people like me shaking their heads at the idiocy of the dad.

Sensible alternative view.

yeah same @Rainbowqueeen my DH gives one boy (16) a lift to training on a Thursday night & matches most Sundays cos his parents are divorced & mum doesn't drive & his dad has moved miles away. So no one is there to cheer the kid on either. So sad. Plus the mum asks for a lift with really short notice often AND he doesnt live in the same village as us so it's often in wrong direction for matches tbh. My hubby is a saint -&has also been coaching the team for 9 years now so i barely see my DH at weekends (he plays his own sport Sat afternoons too).

Start with what’s best for the child and then work on what’s needed to reach that point as best you can.

Also, this scenario illustrates that whilst living an hour away from his child might work ok in terms of being able to pick up and drop off for contact, it’s increasingly going to cause issues elsewhere as he gets older and wants his weekends to include socialising with friends more and more. What if he wants to attend a friend’s birthday party 10 mins from home (but 10 mins further away from you so 1hr 10 mins away) on your contact weekends?

Not really - what if it turns out CoffeeCup14 's DC is good at gymnastics/swimming and wants to increase their training or do competitions? It is easy to keep activities to weekdays only when DCs are very little, but once they get into a sport properly, hours increase. The training is often at least in part at the weekends, and the competitions almost always are. Do you tell them it is not allowed to be anything more than a 1hr-a-week hobby?

I also used to keep extra curriculars strictly to Mon-Fri as we wanted our weekends free for 'family stuff'. My DCs have grown into swimmers, and at 7 and 9yo we are currently ferrying them to 5 training sessions a week between the two of them plus galas. There is also an annual week away at a training camp, which is a whole-family thing. This weekend will be entirely spent at one pool or another, as DC1 is competing at Counties whilst DC2 still has regular training. We've kept it as family time by getting involved with the sport and club ourselves, and making friends with the other parents and DCs. It is just a shift in perspective and of huge benefit and enjoyment to the DCs. I see the older teens at the club, still active and engaged in the sport rather than out and up to mischief, still spending time with their parents as a result, and it strikes me as a good investment of our time.

Not to derail but what do people do for birthday parties…

If DSS was collected from school on Friday evening, back to party on Saturday afternoon, drive back to dad’s and then back to mum’s on Sunday - it’s a lot of driving. Do people just suck it up or do DSC not go?

And, is this something that could end up going back to court. If mum wasn’t happy at DSS missing out, could she go legal with it…at which stage DSS wishes would be taken into account?

I think it depends on the party and on the relationship. And the age.

If they are four and it's a whole class party and your child isn't particular friends with the birthday child then it's fine to say no.

Once they are eight like the OP's step-son, there tends to be less parties. They are smaller as well as less frequent and children want to go because these people are their actual friends.

The reality here is that matches are at weekends - most competitive sports are at weekends as they rely on volunteers who work mon-fri. My ten year old has training three nights and Sunday, eldest two nights, matches Saturday, conditioning Sunday.

They either attend or leave team so I do all as their father "isn't able to" , yet spends time raving about their successes thankfully the children see the truth. Put the child first sports are key to instilling healthy lifestyle and wellbeing.

I think the main issue here is that the mother has made this decision without discussing it with dad. Additionally when dad expresses reluctance mum is name-calling him for not wanting to do as she wishes.

As someone who ferried around 3 teenagers for sports and tournaments I know how time consuming this can be. I communicated with my dh about it. I'm this case no co parenting occurred.

Had mum spoken to dad about it before signing ds up for football. Conversations such as . Shall we change pattern. Are we both able to commit to this. Could have occurred.. the way this was managed was done poorly by mum.

Going forward I would respond to mum that any future decisions involving both sides parenting time will need to be made as a joint decision not singular by either side. You will need to decide if you wish to take the time out or if you want to say no. Like the majority here I feel sports are important however earlier suggestions of looking at different parenting timing could also work.

* I* communicated with my dh about it. I'm this case no co parenting occurred

Would you really have stopped your eight year old from doing football with his friends because your husband said he couldn't do it?

It's easy to say 'oh, we communicated about it' if you are confident that you are married to a man who who is on board with his children doing things at the weekend and who is interested and involved with them.

The mother in this situation doesn't have that luxury.

Slightly off topic but if these things are so important how do the kids with non driving parents manage?

I would look at rethinking the contact days to facilitate this, if at all possible.

Maybe arrange things so he's with you til Sunday morning, then his dad takes him to football and drops him off at his mum's on the way back (I realise this may not fit with everyone's work plans)

What a typical stuck up post!! So if you are at work at weekends or can't afford clubs or can't drive you are not a " good parent" as you stated thats what good parents do That was obviously written by someone with a great deal of privilege. Not necessarily so rosy for everyone in the real world

@Samlewis96

I was a non driving parent for the first eight months my child was in the team.

I used public transport for training nights and home games, and was lucky that some of the other parents would help out with getting us to away games if we were desperate. We were lucky in that respect. But there were one or two occasions when that was done by public transport too,

I was able to make it work, so I did. I know not everyone can, but definitely sounds like this dad can.

I don't have access to a car all the time, we use public transport, car pool, etc.

I would encourage joining as most clubs figure something out. While a child can't get a lift from coach alone if adult accompanying then they can. In return they generally give a hand setting up etc.

Nobody is saying parents are less that don't access sports everyone's responsibilities differ. But if it is parents wanting a quiet non demanding weekend prioritising their social needs as opposed to work commitments then I would suggest they do not hold realistic view of what parenting involves.