To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

"As I I quite clearly said, the ex let herself in with my step child's key.

A burglar let himself in my garage with some bolt cutters"

@Chocolatebuttonns

@Chocolatebuttonns

Not gonna lie your ignorance has kept me entertained.

I merely asked if you were required to understand. You can stop at ‘no’.

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt you've described a seriously damaged and unwell step daughter, who was talking about blood, self harming, school refusing and experiencing what sounds like agoraphobia. It's a shame social services didn't help you and her.

Do you really feel nothing but relief that she's estranged from her father? Is there not a small part of you that worries that she'll harm herself? She lived with you for 10 years, there must be some regret that there wasn't a better outcome for you all?

Winewine, may I suggest you stop hyper- focussing on doors. It’s such a small part of the picture overall.

You seem to render the door incidences as the most problematic aspect of my prior situation.

Perhaps try to improve your comprehension skills too. You’re making yourself look a bit silly.

I said originally that it’s a sad situation.
I am very happy that I now have nothing to do with her or her mother. They’re awful, and I miss nothing about having them in my life.

Don't blame you, OP.

This is entirely her parents' fault.

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt I get you're enjoying the absence but surely there's a part of you that wishes things could be different, especially given your occupation where you'll have mandatory safeguarding training.

You're almost confirming that wicked step mother stereotype by giving the impression that you couldn't give a shit what happens to your extraordinarily vulnerable step daughter.

I suspect that as this thread appears in active you're starting to get more diversity of opinion here as opposed to your last. That's no bad thing, an echo chamber serves no-one in the long run.

Imagine not giving a shit over someone that has repeatedly abused both you and your child. Unheard of!

I've just read a description of a child with serious mental health issues. @Chocolatebuttonns @notlucreziaborgia

She put a knife on the shelf, she talked about cutting up animals, she self harmed. You get this kid help. She was housebound and school refusing for 5 years! 5 f'ing years!!! Sorry but this is serious neglect on the part of all the adults involved, especially one who's trained in safeguarding (whatever their relationship to the child).

You do realise that no person chooses to have a mental health issue? And you have the cheek to call me a victim blamer?

Yes, prisons are full of people that have serious personality disorders and mental health problems. I believe the vast majority of abusers have chaotic and abusive backgrounds too.

None of that obliges their victims (or indeed anyone) to feel sorry for them, or have anything to do with them.

Well said, @notlucreziaborgia

Since when did we expect victims of DV to just tolerate it and #bekind ? What utter rubbish.

why would you ask that when it’s not what I said?

Do you often just reply, randomly? Asking questions irrelevant to what people said?

You could just stop making your own narrative to people’s posts.

It actually can happen and happens more than you realise. The police are now called in on lots of incidents of 10 year old children - both boys and girls - threatening their parents and other adults in their households with violence using weapons like knives, hammers and other DIY tools. The children are also breaking objects in their homes and making holes in doors. Basically the violent behaviour that could kick off in some teenagers is happening at a younger age.

The relief is that the OP has pushed the screwed up child back on to her parents to deal with and is keeping her own smaller child safe.

You have deliberately ignored where the OP tried to get the SD help but the SD two parents decided to play that their child was fine to services that are legally obliged to help if the services are forced to recognise there is a problem. Due to services being stretched unless parents make it clear there is a serious problem and involve the child's school nothing happens unless the police are called multiple times.

Oh btw if the services that wanted to help had been able to help if the SD continued with her behaviour the SD would have eventually been banned from going near the OP's child and any younger child without close supervision at all times. The SD also wouldn't be able to sleep over at the OP and her father's house again to protect the younger child. Otherwise the younger child would have been removed.

With an older child in the family if they had another parent they would have been suggested to, to go live with that other parent and not stay overnight to keep themselves safe.

Where there is no other parent only when the child has actually attacked someone will the child themselves removed. However most parents will push out their violent child rather than let their other children be attacked in their own home.

So the OP actually has done the right thing by banning the SD from visiting and staying over.

Hold on the boys that tortured and murdered James Bulger were 10 years old and they attacked a 2 year old and killed him. It happens. And as grown adults ones already back in prison for reoffending harming other children

Op has already said she's sorry it turned out this way for dsd and that's more than most people would give considering everything.

I don't know how you can't wrap your head around that as a mother ops first duty is to her child.

If mum and dad want to stick their head in the sand and go lalala all is good that's their prerogative. Also step or not - the entire blame of what's happened with dsd falls on the parents due to their inaction.