To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Things now are safe, healthy and breezy.
DH still paying child maintenance to DSD mum even though DSD is an adult. There’s some kind of rule about young people with SEN if they’re in education the maintenance still has to be paid.

Amazingly, DSD’s mum got her to go to college in the end after many many years cooped up in her room on her iPad and I occasionally see her walking to the bus stop independently looking much healthier and better. Her grandparents (my in-laws) have her to stay in the summer for a few days and say she’s making a couple of friends etc.

DSD sends my DD very overly emotional and sentimental birthday and Xmas cards which tug on her heart strings a bit and is unnecessary as she could have had a relationship with her sister with her dad chaperoning but chose to cut them
off. It’s given DD a fantasy idea of who her sister is and will no doubt be thrown
in my face one day but I’m glad my DD is safe. Thats all I wanted.

I had to cut contact for my young DD’s sake as she was vulnerable as a young person.

You shouldn’t have to justify yourself. Home should be a sanctuary irrespective of vulnerabilities. Expectations of step parenting warp this basic need.

It seems by cutting her off you've given your DSD the wake up call she needed Op, hopefully she'll mature into a more reasonable person

i too had a similar situation after years of feeling like I was under surveillance in my own home. I also watched a teenager triangulate and accuse both parents of abuse that absolutely wasn’t true and ironically when she accused her mum of it and I fact checked what was being told to us, miraculously it was me accused around 6 weeks later. Did I lose my temper and snap? Oh you bet and it felt great. Did I regret the language used? Absolutely. Did I apologise for setting my boundary? Absolutely not. I offered accountability but only if that was to be reciprocated for lies, it was not. The best bit though? After I lost my temper (which was now 6 months ago) not a single complaint or email has been sent by my partner’s ex. Once you show certain individuals that you’re not going to be pushed around and controlled they usually find someone else to antagonise. Have there been more lies from SD? Sure but several of these lies were in situations where my partner knows categorically it’s incorrect and he now also sees through the bullshit. My partner has tried to confront a number of lies but she doubled down and her mum done her usual screaming/abusive number. his daughter refuses to come to our house now which whilst I appreciate it’s sad, this is my home and I won’t be muscled out of my own home by a 14 year old.

the last 6 months have been blissful, no walking on eggshells, no having to watch what I talk about in case it’s reported back and later dropped in. Nothing gets used/ruined. No arguments. Long may it continue!

DH may carry guilt but it sounds like he had ample time to adequately parent his daughter but chose not too. We can't expect the SM to become the shock absorber for everyone else's feelings and failings

Thank you for your post share. I have 3 step kids, the youngest is fine as knew me from a young age, the other 2 have been difficult despite my trying very hard, lots of hard to forget things over the years, and both almost adults. It's sad, I think most of us start out trying to create a nice happy blended unit, but it takes everyone to make it work. It's true kids are just kids, but step parents are people too. I've had some very judgemental comments from others over the years, but good for you in protecting your peace. For those who don't understand, they haven't walked in your shoes.

Your DH sounds like a weak useless man and father. And frankly you sound whimsically deluded and unwell, I'd be concerned if you were teaching my primary school child. If it's all so great now, why are you posting about it in such great detail over a year later? It does sound difficult admittedly and highly abnormal, but also sounds like you are trying to resolve guilt or your self doubt now, get yourself some professional help.

I’m so torn with this.

My step-children were an absolute dream until their mum started dating someone (my DH’s second cousin, weirdly enough😂) about 6 months ago. Both couples seemingly happy and healthy, but I think the realisation hit them that the chance of their parents getting back together is pretty much nil and their behaviour and actions have just become intolerable. Most of their friends (as far as we know) have the typical nuclear family, no separated parents etc.

Of course, they’re children; I don’t expect them to have the emotional maturity of us adults. And I am so concerned for them and also (selfishly, apparently) concerned for the future of my relationship.

I’m being spat at when playfully suggesting they try to brush their teeth quicker than daddy can do his morning poo (a trick that always worked!🤦🏾‍♀️😅😂), we’re being relayed texts from their mum that apparently I leave them out of everything (determined that this was because I went to a hen-do), I watch adult content in bed while they were sleeping in our room (They came into our bedroom at 11pm on Christmas Eve because they heard a noise (DH peeling potatoes!) I was in bed watching Bridgerton (not an inappropriate scene playing at the time) with my bluetooth headphones on and they asked if they could watch it with me, I said “no, you’re a bit young to watch this.” I turned it off and said why don’t you bring your letters to Father Christmas to me and we can read them once more before you go back to sleep?”, they fell asleep on our bed and DH carried them into their rooms), I’m being told that I’m the best step-mum and then when they return from their mum’s I’m apparently a fat ugly cow!
DH has recently been told by them that I’m not allowed to be pregnant because I’m already ‘a really bad mum’.

We are both so concerned about their sudden change in attitude but sadly their mum doesn’t see a problem, so i don’t see it changing any time soon.
DH is taking things further because he’s concerned that this behaviour only started when his ex got a new partner, and like I said before; it could just be the realisation that their parents are less likely to be together again but we really hope it’s nothing more than that. I can’t lie that their recent behaviour hasn’t broken us, because it has. The school regularly leave DH out of any updates, he has to seek them himself (such as DSS racially abusing another child!!). It could tear us apart but we’re determined to get to the bottom of this. We deserve to be happy but most importantly, the children deserve to be happy too. DH picks them up for the week tomorrow, while I’m due to meet my brother (who lives in Cape Town) so I’ll be away for a couple of days; he’s going to try and gently talk to them about it.

ETA; as far as we’re aware; children don’t know that mum’s new partner is DH’s 2nd cousin. His family aren’t that close at all so it’s unlikely to be confusion that their new “step-dad” is their dad’s 2nd cousin.

just to add to this; we have never encouraged SC to refer to me as step-mum. Before we married the SC voiced that they didn’t want to call me step-mum because it felt harsh on their mum, which I agreed with. I’m not their mum, they have present and loving mum, but if they want to call me that, they can; I’m usually just referred to as Hannah, their dad’s wife.