Exactly this!
Though the projection, wilful misinterpretation of what I’ve said on this thread and dislike of my actions have been here in abundance, I must stress again that my sole purpose for starting this thread was for people who might be in the position I was in for many years, becoming increasingly unhappy because you’re essentially being bullied in your own home, maybe your partner and child are too.
It’s a message of hope (for struggling step mothers) to say that if you can’t handle it don’t handle it. It is literally not your problem that your SC’s parents communicate poorly or are both scared to lay down boundaries with their child.
Give the problem back to those it belongs to and you’ll be amazed to see how quickly mental health services are engaged, support networks appear and grandparents suddenly realise the extent of the dysfunction and become more helpful.
A step mother is a pillar of strength that everyone leans on emotionally, financially, practically and their presence is treated only with disdain. They act as a human bandaid that masks the extent of the disfunction within family systems.
DSD used to tell her mother huge lies about things that had happened whilst under our roof because she knew it would cause conflict between her mother and me and DH. One day when she’d done this she smirked and said “I’ve really fucked you over there haven’t I Dad”.
She stole knives, took them into school, repeatedly made her hatred towards my very young DD clear, would talk to her regularly about death, ripping dead animals apart and described the blood dripping from each internal organ, would tell my 3 year old DD she was disgusting because of they way she ate (even though she herself had appalling table manners), she stole my DD’s main Christmas present and registered it to her name. DH did nothing about these behaviours and only now that he has lost contact with DSD can he see that he should have stepped in to protect DD from this.
I rang social services to seek advice about how they recommended I protect my toddler after DSD had attacked her mum and dad with a kitchen knife one night. Social services weren’t interested and told me to speak to CAHMs, CaHMs came once, saw that DSD had two loving parents and discharged her.
DSDs mother continuously let herself into my house and would shout at my husband which really frightened my little one. One night, she let herself in and left the back door open while I was cooking dinner. I was adrenalised because she was shouting at DH and our home is characteristically quiet, DD was 2 at the time and wandered in the dark out of the back door and on the the road at the front of our house. DD had been watched by DH but in the stress of having his ex shouting at him in our house he lost track of where she was.
When DSD started to self harm we were advised by CAHMs to keep all meds and blades in locked boxes. DSDs mum let herself into my house and shouted at me that DSD didn’t feel we trusted her and that we were affecting her mental health by having locks everywhere and on everything but I was so terrified of what DSD might do to my DD if she had access to these things.
She refused to go to school for 5 years of secondary school abs laid in bed on her iPad day and night, controlled DH and her mother’s every move. It was always an insane way to parent and I never agreed with the passive way they dealt with her but when DSD put a knife on the windowsill in DDs playroom propped up in the hands of one of DDs cuddly toys I began to feel really scared.
I was then incredibly peaceful about my decision to cut contact. Not because I didn’t care for DSD but because a) my need to protect my own DD was at the top of my priority list and b) because her mum and dad were not allowing me to insist on apologies from her, consequences for her actions or anything. This made the situation completely unsustainable and even now a year on, DSD’s mother although blocked from DH phone, all platforms for me still emails DH regularly to tell him that DSD has quit college because she’s depressed because he has betrayed her” and so on.
I just think DSDs mother has shot her self in the foot by alienating DSD from her dad who loves her deeply and who has put up with 17 years of her bullying him in order to have a part in her life. Now DSDs autonomy grab is to steer the course of events herself by rejecting him but from what I can see he is the best person in her life and she shouldn’t reject him because his wife couldn’t tolerate her behaviour. But teens gon’ teen and I suppose it’s normal for them to want to have something to push away.
Recently, social services contacted DH because they had been alerted about concerns various agencies had about DSDs wellbeing. They talked to him for 40 minutes. What can DH do though? He can’t force DSD to go to Mc Donald’s with him. She’s being stubborn.
This is a story about a child and adult mental health service that has been stripped to the bone by a Tory government, a failing social services team who seem to think that if a child is from a middle classed household with parents who are professionals that we will be fine at dealing with knife wielding, unpleasant teenagers under the same roof as vulnerable toddlers of whom they are jealous of and despise. It’s about a DH who was terrified of being alienated from his daughter so swallowed an ocean of crap over a long period to keep that thread of contact so in a sense this sorry ending was always in DSDs mum’s armoury and was inevitable.
This is about me, a childcare and safeguarding professional, now primary school teacher who did all the right things to ensure my relationship with my step daughter and her mother was good, I hosted christmasses at my house and had DSDs mum and her grandparents and new partner and kids, hosted birthday parties for DSD with all of her mothers family and extended family under my roof, I made green soup for DSDs mum when I heard she was unwell and left it on her doorstep and so on.
DSDs mum and my DH were a one night stand and my responsible DH moved from hundreds of miles away to be there for his unborn child, despite him and DSDs mum being completely incompatible. DH is a good man, frozen by the complexities of what was thrown at him and I am the active agent that said no.
I grew up in an unhappy home with a cruel stepmother and I didn’t want mine or my daughter’s life to be characterised by dysfunction and unhappiness.
It’s been good for me as a born people pleaser to be the bad guy. Yes I’m that bad guy and that’s fine if it means I retain my mental health for the sake of my daughter and her safety then I’m delighted with that label.
It started as a problem I had with the way DSD was being parented and obviously over time it turned into DSD being as much of a problem as the parenting she was raised by.
I hope this answers some confusion about my need to have one safe space in the world to retreat to and to raise my daughter in.
I know for some I should have stayed/ left DH/ taken the abuse like a good little wife but I’m happy with my decision. It’s not on me that DSD refuses to accept her dad’s bids for connection. It was all set up as a win-win for everyone and she’s chosen to reject him.