To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

OP, your situation is highly complex with SD, CAHMS and whatever else agencies involved.

This in no way is a common situation thankfully. You did what was appropriate for your family, and it would appear was the only option to protect your DD.

However, you are not in a position to advise others to do the same as you have when the majority of issues faced by stepmums are highly unlikely to be as complex with the options available like those were in your case (dad able to stay overnight in exes house).

It is clear that your SD has serious mental health issues that are beyond what can be explained by the fact her parents are not together.

Again, it's a very complex case and using it as an example of what can be done in case of more common conflict is not really helpful, if anything could be very counterproductive.

You replied to me stating you didn’t understand one of OP’s choices, so I asked if you were required to. Seems related and relevant.

If I was of a mind to reply randomly I would enquired as to whether or not you like cats (well, do you?).

I agree, that it’s the biological parent’s responsibility. It sounds like a failing on both their parts to navigate the whole situation. I can see how the girl feels rejected though, it’s pretty sad, but not OP’s fault in my opinion.

I don’t understand why it would be a stepmother’s role and responsibility to sort this out, and I’m glad that the OP actually thought of her own well-being, as that’s important too.

It really ought to be up to biological mum & Dad to support their daughter! I wonder what social services, CAMHs or various charities such as gingerbread would advise.

@vivainsomnia you have ignored the poor parenting plus parents being in complete denial of their child's deeply troubled and damaging behaviour.

The OP actually highlights the last point quite clearly.

The OP tried to get other services involved but the parents refused to accept it.

I've seen other threads on MN were posters have refused to ask other services for help when told to by lots of other posters. These posters are completely different from those that have but have got nowhere.

This is such a sad situation. I didn't read the previous thread so I don't know any of the background and can only go on what has been said on this thread.

It sounds like the SD has not coped with the adverse child experiences she has suffered. At a young age, her parents separated which by the sounds of it led to high conflict and animosity, essentially making SD feel guilty for having a relationship with the other parent. If one parent is toxic and puts emotional pressure on the child, something called 'splitting' will happen. This is where the child can no longer cope with the conflict and being used as a weapon by one or both parents. They will usually align with the parent they spend most time with and will turn very hostile towards the other parent which can also be extended to wider family members. In this case, the hostility is directed towards the paternal side of the family which makes me think the mother has engaged in some horrendous parental alienation.

On top of all that, SD had the uncertainly of a new step parent coming on the scene and then a new sibling, which will cause even more instability for an already damaged child.

That being said though, no one should have to tolerate abuse and the other child absolutely does need protecting from any harm. If the OP didn't protect her child, social services could potentially get involved due to people talking about there having been police involvement.

She sounds incredibly damaged and she needs help, but you can't force someone to get help. And I'm absolutely appalled to read that the mother refused to allow SD to have access to help. I can't understand that. Well I can, it's a probably due to the abuse and not wanting herself to be exposed (again just going on what I've read).

At first I started thinking that it's harsh to not allow SD to come to the home but the more comments I read and how serious things were, I think you have done the right thing OP. I wouldn't tolerate that behaviour in my house either, especially with a younger child around.

Would you feel comfortable sharing the old thread or some information about what has happened over the last 10 years?

Just read your updates OP 😳. I don't have any words. You did the right thing.

Her parents were never together.
DH had a long distance relationship with DSD’s mum and when he found out that she was pregnant he did the honourable thing and moved hundreds of miles across the country to live in a nearby house to help to co parent his daughter.

DSD never experienced her parents as a couple.

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt My apologies, I didn't realise that before writing my post. You've definitely been through the mill with all of this. I can't even imagine.

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt

Thank you I really needed this to stop me feeling so shitty. My SD maybe moving in and if she does I will have to say goodbye. I know it should
All be about the children but my mental
Health couldn't take it, my two are enough with their issues

You’re in a strong position knowing from the off that it’s not something you have the capacity for. sometimes the hardest decisions that look the worst from the outside are the very wisest thing to do in the long run for everyone,
especially the children. As adults, we have the perspective to see that.
Wishing you the best of luck.

Im assuming then that you also think step parents should be given more legal rights re family law

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt

Is there a link to your other post about this?

My SM was like you. You knew what you were getting involved in. Bow out gracefully instead of taking a father away from his daughter or suck it up! She was there before you. You have no idea of how your actions will destroy that child!

@ZebraD RTFT

My step mum was like yours.
I am not.

You need to read the thread before posting this shit.

Also and I say this kindly. Your dad didn't have gun to his head by sm. He had agency and as your parent he was and still is the person you should hold accountable for.

I think you are very brave posting on here. Step mothers are greatly vilified on this site I find. But I just wanted to say well done. In a similar position and I can imagine how hard you tried and how difficult this decision was for you. Well done x

Your dad didn't have gun to his head by sm. He had agency and as your parent he was and still is the person you should hold accountable for

I agree but does that absolve a step parent of any responsibility? Do you get to behave however you want, impacting the lives of children negatively, and just walk away as suits? And do step parents never engage in physical, mental and emotional abuse towards their partners?

What would you do in my situation? Am 6 years in, have a beautiful stepdaughter and a biological son, love them both immensely but not in the same ways, of course. The deeper I get into it, the more I hate the interrupted weekends, not being able to go on holidays due to arrangements, and overall feeling like you'll never actually have a say when it comes down to it. It is a restricted life with partner being so sad at Christmas/birthdays/special events where SD isn't there that these events that should be joyful end up depressing as fuck. I understand the sadness but it's really affecting my life. Overall just hate being the "extra" even when always going above and beyond. I am having deep life regrets but don't want my children to go through the damaging effects of a broken family (especially SD who's already between two as it is...)

OP would you stay or leave in this less severe scenario...

@Workworkandmoreworknow of course not in terms of responsibility of one's actions and I'm sure they do.Like any family member can engage in abusive nasty behaviour/abusive behaviour . But as a parent (of which I am one) I have legal and moral responsibility to my children to remove them and protect them from abusive people above any other (bar their dad)

It shojld be higher for the parents to protect their young. Period

If a member of my family was engaging in this behaviour and I knew about it and allowed it to continue then actually in my eyes I I would be is condoning that behaviour. In the eyes of an abuser and the abused. But since I'm a mother the hammer would fall quite heavily on me as a female.

You don't hear people on here say, stay with an abusive man that's fucking up your kids.because your so helpless, poor women of course you can do sweet fuck all, the normal response is LTB.

Yet with men again and again we do just the reverse- and again by focusing on the abusive person who doesn't change and shrugging, going what you gonna do 😵‍💫 well ltb- and if dad doesn't that's a choice, a fucking active one. He could chose to protect his child.

I do care about having a peaceful, happy and most importantly safe home for DD to grow up in

I agree. No dick could persuade me otherwise.

a 17yr is well capable of behaving and respecting others. Well done, OP!

I would have worked through it if it was just the normal step parenting niggles, knowing that DSD would grow up one day and I’d have done my best (even if just for DH’s sake) but because DSD and her mother were continuously going out of their way to make my home feel unsafe and unpeaceful, I had to cut contact for my young DD’s sake as she was vulnerable as a young person.

It still baffles me that DH was so passive about it all.

With normal folk, you can discuss issues and come up with resolutions and compromises but with some people who have an array of unaddressed mental illnesses, it can be impossible to get to that stage because their version of reality is so delusional that you might as well be trying to resolve issues with a wall.

Sad but true.

If you can create some boundaries and get some good communication going with your partner about it, even if you need a couples counsellor to get him to see the level of sacrifice you continually make, I’d recommend it.

Still like it.

How are things now?
Does your husband see his daughter.
I think your actions were correct.
You husband sounds like a very weak man though.
I do not see the appeal of him, allowing your daughter to be unsafe in her home due to his older daughters behaviour.