To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

This thread is very confusing, on the surface it seems very extreme to ban a child from a parents house. Plus the OP comes across as simply gloating about having ‘won’ against her 17 SD. Some people are claiming that there is much wider context of severe abuse from SD to OP (and younger siblings) however due to the name change most people (including myself) have no idea what the original post is.

However, based on the comments from
those who believe that they have read the previous post, it seems like the ex was coaching the SD (from the age of 7) to be abusive towards her dad, SM and siblings? If so then this is horrendous emotional abuse and I can’t understand how the OPs DP didn’t attempt to remove his child from the abusive parent all these years ago.

If SS had been aware of this then they would have sought to remove the child from the ex AND OPs DP, (due to their failure to protect the child from the abusive parent).

I say this as somebody who has been through very similar in terms of DC returning from my exs house, exhibiting extreme violent behaviour towards myself, telling me that “daddy says I am not allowed to love you” which eventually escalated to my child attempting to stab me on my birthday because “daddy said I had to be extra unkind to you on your birthday.” (this is only a very shortened version of events). I went back through the family courts and restricted contact and also made sure that my child was adequately supported given the abuse that they had suffered. I cannot imagine sitting back, watching my DC be abused in such a way and then (ten years down the line), allowing my future partner to solve the problem by banning my child from my home. It sounds like this poor girl has been massively failed by both parents. The excuse that OPs DPwas scared to rescue his child from an abusive parent because the ex would stop contact is ridiculous, and something that (in my opinion) is used to excuse mediocre dads who can’t be bothered to parent their children…. Imagine if a mum had the same approach “I know my 7year olds father is abusing them but I am not going to do anything about it”… followed by “my new husband has banned my child from my house and I’ve just accepted it as I understand that their father has made them this way”.

Overall, I feel so sorry for this girl who has from a young age had no one to protect her from abuse that her ‘D’F seemingly knew was occurring at the other parents house. I can see how the OP will be relieved that her children are now protected from this, and they are fortunate to have at least one parent who is able to protect them, but there really are no winners in this. Least of all a 17 year old who will no doubt be well and truly screwed up for life by both of her parents.

I am now assuming anything, the OP actually says on this thread “DH was largely scared to say anything in case DSD’s mother alienated him from her.”

@Chocolatebuttonns I agree, it is incredibly difficult to stand up to your abuser. And perhaps this infamous 1st post mentions ways that OPs DP did try to safeguard his child. However, in my opinion, this whole thread (including the comments from those who saw the 1st thread) reads as though the DP simply takes the path of least resistance. Ignoring years of abuse towards his oldest child until it gets to the point where his current partner feels it is unsafe for the child to enter their house, at which point just accepts there is nothing that can be done. As someone who has seen their child abused by their ex, this makes me so incredibly sad.

I understand what OP has done and saw my life flashing before my eyes when reading the post because it so could have been me.

My DP really wanted and my son to move in with him and be a blended family like the Brady Bunch. Hmmm. Due to high conflict ex, kids v distressed by parental alienation and lack of consistency and DP scared to discipline in case exw uses it against him, I didn’t blend. We enjoy non-kid time together when we can. (I’m too old for more kids and too independent for another marriage so it suits.)

My therapist taught me that blended families are hard and hardest for the step mum, who seems to get all the parental responsibilities with none of the rights and is expected to behave perfectly at all times while the bio parents get to be morons. Golden Womb vs Disney Dad in our case. Why should any girlfriend or new wife be expected to enmesh with this and solve everyone else’s issues?

I have minimal contact with my DP’s kids because when I see them usually his younger child goes nuts and puts his entire little self into trying to exclude me and direct all his divorce trauma my way.

I accept traumatised kids come ahead of girlfriends. So I leave my DP to deal with his kids and have a very sweet and loving partner for 50pc of the time (whose parenting choices I wouldn’t have made so we don’t discuss) and the rest is out of my control. Will this be my forever relationship? Possibly not but we have agreed to have a nice time together and all situations are temporary - treating them as permanent is an attachment need, not reality.

Not intending to hijack OP’s thread with my story but just to say I was almost there and maybe the £000s I spent on therapy will help someone reading this who didn’t have that money to burn!

I really do empathise and understand OP. Mostly the choices a step mum makes are not her own as she’s never really given any power other than to detach or walk away.

It is awful when a child is left feeling insecure and unsafe because their bio parents couldn’t resolve their differences.

But it’s always the DP or DH’s issue to resolve. A lot of men don’t take this responsibility. They take their old family problems that messed up their kids in the first place into a new family and expect everything to be magically better. Perhaps they have no support from immediate family who can’t for personal reasons deal with messed up kids either. This is very sad. But we are not their fairy godmothers.

I once briefly dated a man who did this for a decade. Kept the family home, got a flat nearby, exw stayed with her BF during his contact time and the kids didn’t have to be at all disrupted. Kids really happy he said. Hard to have this implemented as a teenager but generally I think it’s a good thing to do.

Nonsense!

If OP had said that her step daughter was purposely injuring her child (which my sibling used to do to me) then perhaps other posters would ask how they managed that situation. For example, my mum never left us alone and kept us separated whenever possible.

Our reactions are subjective and largely based on our own experiences and circumstances, so you may be right that some may shrug and say, "oh, that's just what siblings do to each other". The two posters who think they know what the abuse is have personal circumstances where they would do the same. Other posters may act differently. It doesn't make either side stupid or an idiot and there's been a lot of name calling (the resort of people who don't have adequate resources to reason with others) in here.

The step daughter is 17 now, last year was 16 when banished from her father's home. Without knowing I'd say she'd have to have done something fairly nasty to her 10 year younger sister for this to happen. Which makes the OP surprising because if I'd removed a threat from my home, I'd be relieved, I'd talk of healing and recovery, not victory over a vulnerable child and the breakdown of her relationship with her one stable parent.

Still looks like this thread didn't go the way OP was expecting when she encouraged others to abandon their step kids and love a happy life, so I guess we'll never know.

Yup.

My therapist taught me that blended families are hard and hardest for the step mum, who seems to get all the parental responsibilities with none of the rights and is expected to behave perfectly at all times while the bio parents get to be morons. Golden Womb vs Disney Dad in our case. Why should any girlfriend or new wife be expected to enmesh with this and solve everyone else’s issues?
...
I really do empathise and understand OP. Mostly the choices a step mum makes are not her own as she’s never really given any power other than to detach or walk away.

It is awful when a child is left feeling insecure and unsafe because their bio parents couldn’t resolve their differences.

But it’s always the DP or DH’s issue to resolve. A lot of men don’t take this responsibility. They take their old family problems that messed up their kids in the first place into a new family and expect everything to be magically better. Perhaps they have no support from immediate family who can’t for personal reasons deal with messed up kids either. This is very sad. But we are not their fairy godmothers

I think this is a very accurate description and expectation of stepmums.
Never stepdads, of course, just the women.

Yeh seems that way, I left my x because he was a maniac. There was never any contact between me and his new partner because my x would not have allowed any situation where we compared motes, but I always felt the kids were safer because she was there. She saw sense and left him. But im grateful to her for being a kind, warm, calming presence during the periods I had to send kids to his house. I took a firm hard line with my own teenage son for his disrespectful threatening behaviour to me and on the threads where I shared that, nobody judged me.

Saying that I was always determined not to have a blended family because I agree with somebody's therapist! It sounds hard, impossible even, I didn't have the eq to pick a good guy way back then, I didn't have the tools to start again, find somebody mature and understanding like i should have done to start with, So, under my roof the last 16 years it has just been me and my kids. And one of those kids is still an absolute brat. I decided that I would not tolerate feeling unsafe or intimidated in my own home. Just normal "disrespect" was already in the rear view.

This step mum is not responsible for a child who has a mother and a father.
Maybe she will realise over the next few years that you shoot yrslf in the foot when you are deliberately awful.

Show me one excuse @Chocolatebuttonns . Prove your point.

x2. I was interested in a guy with a kid but I knew it wasn't for me.

He's remarried to another woman now who has done everything in her power to alienate him from his first son. It's just so fucked up.

@Chocolatebuttonns okay, from the whole post highlight just one excuse.

That's what I'd do. People are different and react to situations differently. So again, @Chocolatebuttonns where's the excuses? You mentioned the plural but can't find one can you?

You clearly have your own narrative and cannot empathise.

It’s a bum deal and the sooner step mothers can start pushing back against these weighty, life force draining ridiculous expectations, the better
So you are advertising stepmums who struggle with their role as a stepmum to insist that the stepkids don't come to their house any longer and their partner can see the kids elsewhere. Then you've won, you get your man, your family life but without the part you don't care for and too bad if it doesn't work for the husband/dad because the needs of stepmum com first.

Congratulations it worked for you but I don't think you are in a position to recommend anything.

• not all stepchildren live 3 doors down.
• not all stepchildren have free access to their mum's house to welcome their dad overnight whilst mum is spending that time with her boyfriend and is happy for this arrangement. I would think that this situation is actually quite exceptional.

-not many men would consider this to be acceptable. Some like your husband might be weak and feel they have no choice but to go with it but most men, however coward and under the thumb would stand up to that one-sided option and indeed, decide that the mariage cannot survive the situation. Who gets the house if at all would be a matter of compromise or the court.

So your post is a bit pointless. Ultimately, if it was such an easy and obvious outcome, why wait so long to demand it?

I think the thread when the exact way that OP expected tbh. As I read it, she’s not asking for opinions, and she’s not the slightest bit bothered about the posters disagreeing with her and calling her all sorts 🤷🏻‍♀️

She’s posting to say what worked for her, and that others in a similar situation to her needn’t be fearful of doing the same thing.

She wasn’t bothered about ‘getting the man’ - she said herself she was quite prepared for him to disagree with her and leave over it. She was no longer prepared to accept abuse, towards herself and her daughter, in their own home. She’s achieved just that.

If she's not bothered about the man, why be with him at all?