To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

It’s a thread of hope for those that wish to stand up for themselves and not just accept society’s completely disproportionate expectations of step mothers.

It’s a thread of empowerment.

Peace is at the other side of a simple boundary around your space.

It takes a village, esp when it's a blended family but if the village wants you to drink poison you have every right to say no! Congrats!! Enjoy your peace and freedom!

Fwiw I think you have every right to peace if they were making your life a misery. I would do the same in your shoes.

Well done OP. There is no shame in accepting that the relationship with your dsd has failed, and then finding a way for you all to continue, without tolerating the endless abuse.

Yes, I agree.

To all those saying the dsd has a right to be in her father’s home…well she also has a responsibility to behave respectfully/kindly/appropriately. It’s not only the step parent who has standards to live up to.

How date you have boundaries in your own home, that you pay towards!! Back in the real world it’s a basic standard surely. Fine, if step child and her mother don’t what to be polite or respectful. They can do it elsewhere, away from you. It’s hardly as if you’ve banned your husband from communicating with or seeing his child

Well done. Your SD it's basically an adult. If she can't be respectful, this is the consequence. Your DH has been a very weak parent by allowing her to get away with this behaviour for 10 years. It's his job as a father to protect both his daughters. Obviously by not parenting the older one, he has been neglecting the younger one.

All you can do is protect your daughter and if he walks out, good ridance

I get the situation might have become pretty impossible, but your home is your DSD’s home, your husband is her father, your daughter is her sister, she is your daughter’s sister.

So this is a busted family and that is really really sad. (I say this as a step parent so I am under no illusions thar it can be tough,)

Your DP really should not have allowed his daughter to be banned from your joint home. It is way over the line.

I really hope this can get sorted out. It’s not good at all OP.

I don’t think you read that right. I think she’s just giving you an honest answer, it’s nothing to do with hitting a nerve.

You’re wrong. Teenagers hate lugging their stuff between 2 houses.
DSD lives 3 doors down from us anyway.
I have the right to refuse entry of unsafe, vexatious people and situations into my home and my life. If DSD wishes to create havoc, she has her mother’s home to do that in. After all, it’s the bio parents in charge of steering behaviour.

DH could always have said he didn’t agree with me and moved out.
I was going to protect my sanity and the safety of my own DD at any cost. If that makes me unpopular on middle classes internet forums, I’ll take it!

Did they try and enter your home once you banned them - or just text/FB etc contact?

What did you do if they turned up?

Good for you - yours and your daughter's MH is the priority.

Good for you OP. There is obviously a lot that has happened over the years, and for you to say to keep your daughter safe, speaks volumes. Ignore all the pearl clutching posters.

I think.you did the right thing OP. If dsd only lives 3 doors down your dh has ample opportunity to see her!

People forget about the other dc when there's a hectic home life. My dsis went off the rails when I was 15 and I really wished my parents could have made my home a safer place for me then. They couldn't because she didn't have another parent/home, but the dsd does.

Comes off a little wicked stepmother like.

It seems DH has picked his wife over his own daughter…yikes

Comes off a little internalised misogyny brain lazily short circuiting to the nearest woman bashing fairytale character in reach but ho hum! 🤷‍♀️

He has picked you over her so yes brilliant for
you. It would be interesting to hear her side about whether it’s actually her mum alienating her from him or whether he’s done that himself by prioritising you for the last 10 years. When teens are angry and behave badly it comes from some sort of problem or trauma. If her mum has regularly moved out of her home to enable him to continue the relationship it doesn’t sound like she’s going all out to destroy their relationship?

OP i hear you.

Being a step parent was horrendous for me.

I could not have done anything more to put those children first but they drained me of time, my weekends, my holidays, my own money ( not child support) etcetc.

I will not have anything to do with them now.

Nothing.

It doesn't stop my DH being a father to them, but i needed to safeguard my physical and mental health.

You're doing nothing that my own birth parents didn't do to me themselves... it was very clear to me from a young age that I respect everyone in their house or get out. Too many parents on here let their teens walk all over them, and then complain when a teacher or boss in the real world puts them in their place.

If your DSD can treat her mum, dad, friends, & work colleagues with respect, then she can treat you and your child with respect too. You're not the whipping boy for her feelings about her parents divorce and ultimately she's not your child. Plenty of kids with parents in the forces & services can go weeks without seeing one of their parents, living 3 doors away is hardly parental alienation.

"I don’t give a shit about what DH may or may not think in a few years time!
Mumsnet is so full of patriarchally blind people!
I do care about having a peaceful, happy and most importantly safe home for DD to grow up in and no amount of internet opinions will convince me otherwise."

This with bells on.

There was no way on earth I was going to allow DSC to keep throwing curveballs into our life that caused chaos and confusion for the stability of our own DC .

For those saying step children take up your weekends, holidays etc, isn’t that a given when you get together with someone who has children. How do stepfathers cope who usually have stepchildren in their home for more days than stepmothers, unless contact is 50:50?

I remember your previous thread OP.

Well done.

Good for you OP. Actually, you’re teaching DSD what boundaries look like.

To be fair, I know far more SMs who are expected to pick up all the additional domestic chores when their partner's kids are there, than SFs in the same situation. You see it all the time on here - step-mum on mat leave is suddenly expected to do additional childcare & pickups for DSDs because they are "off work".