To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

What was your DH doing while your DSD and her mother were abusing you for a decade?

How has it been facilitated for DH to see his DD in the last year? 17 is still a vulnerable age.

DH was largely scared to say anything in case DSD’s mother alienated him from her.

DH stayed at DSD’s mother’s house in the same contact arrangement whilst DSD’s mother stayed at her partner’s house. All good. 👍🏼

So your DH still sees his child?

For the first 3/4 of this year yes, then out of the blue DSD decided she didn’t want to see him anymore because ‘he chose me over her’.

Not true. I just refused to have her in my home. There’s a difference. DSD’s mother will have spent the year bad-mouthing DH to DSD.

It’s really sad for DH at the moment because he loves his daughter unendingly but if this never happening depended on me swallowing oceans of bullshit for another decade, I would have become as mentally unwell as them.

They were offered generous contact and he continues to pay over the odds in maintenance etc but to make a point, he is currently being rejected by DSD. Fair dos, that’s partly just teenage prerogative and partly DSD’s obsession with control.

I’m so much happier now that these awful people aren’t destroying my peace and putting my DD’s safety and wellness and risk.

What kind of thing did they do to you? Because it does sound a bit like he picked you over her and that’s pretty sad.

Appreciate you wanted them out of your life, but feel very sorry for the daughter.

It’s really sad for DH at the moment because he loves his daughter unendingly but if this never happening depended on me swallowing oceans of bullshit for another decade, I would have become as mentally unwell as them.

It’s likely that DSD would have grown up, she will have lots of mixed emotions about the situation. I think it’s wrong to lump her with the ex as they are two separate people. Does DH have a separate home?

Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

tbh the above is just a fact of life with dc, step or not.

I feel sorry for the DSD & your DH as he will carry tremendous guilt.

Your DH should be ashamed of himself. The home he lives in should always be his daughter's home. He is her father. He did choose you over her. I could never live with someone who banned my child from my home.

I'm happy for you that you're happy but I 100% understand the DSD cutting contact with her dad as he has proven to her that she doesn't have a safe space with him. If you really put your foot down and said she couldn't be in your home, he should have left it and provided a home for his daughter. What if her mum were to move in with her partner, and he made the same edict - that she was no longer allowed in his home?

Being a step child, torn between two homes, being played against one or both of your parents by the other like a weapon - you've been with her dad 10 years, so she was younger than 7 when her whole world imploded. By inference we can assume her mother didn't take it well and hasn't protected or prioritised her child, but has instead used their joint daughter as a Trojan horse to trash his next marriage. You see the DSD as an antagonist but she isn't, she's a victim - a child, and a victim. And her dad has prioritised his sex life with you and his other daughter over her.

She will be utterly fucked by both her parents utterly failing to make her their priority.

But hey. Good for you that the ruination of this child's mental health has brought you such bliss.

It’s sad but not my fault.
DSD’s mother has a lot to answer for and DSD despite being young and vulnerable and the product of a boundary less upbringing, needed to be kept away from my DD for my DD’s own safety.

I know in mumsnet land you can own a house each a la Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton but sadly, most real folk can’t do that!

It’s sad but not my fault

It will be interesting to see if DH thinks that in a few years. Good luck!

I know in mumsnet land you can own a house each a la Helena Bonham Carter and Tim Burton but sadly, most real folk can’t do that!

I asked because I thought perhaps it wasn’t as bad as I imagined & DH had his own home but nope. Do you not own the house together?

I don’t need good luck wishes. It’s just a messy life thing. Some things are temporarily unsolvable/ difficult.
In the fullness of time it will all come right.

I wish I’d read such a thread when I was still breaking myself trying to accommodate a bully and her daughter into my home and family for so many years.

I feel as though I’ve woken from a bad dream.

Thank you. I needed to read this. Just been through another year of hell and another Christmas Day disaster. I cannot take anymore.

DSD and DSS are both in late twenties so this is not going to change.

Going no contact and keep away.

Your DH has just accepted you banning his child from his home? Thats absolutely awful. If you don’t want to be around her then you can leave, but she should never be banned from her father’s home.

There’s a way through. You just need to value your peace. You bending over backwards isn’t working anyway is it!?

Choose you. You won’t regret it for a second. In fact you’ll wonder why you put up with it all for so long!

It’s my home too!

I don’t give a shit about what DH may or may not think in a few years time!
Mumsnet is so full of patriarchally blind people!
I do care about having a peaceful, happy and most importantly safe home for DD to grow up in and no amount of internet opinions will convince me otherwise.

I'd love to hear the DSD's side of this

No child needs two houses fgs. They do need contact time with both parents, which is what she got. Seems fine to me.

Actually, wicked stepmother stereotypes aside, this way of doing it where the DSC can stay in one place and it's the parents that do the moving back and forth sounds more child centric and stable to me. Why don't more divorced parents do that?

I don’t give a shit about what DH may or may not think in a few years time!

Oops touched a nerve!

and no amount of internet opinions will convince me otherwise.

Of course not, you don’t seem the type to look at things with perspective. As I said good luck!

Can I ask why the mother was coming into your home in the first place? It’s not like the SD is a young child. Even then it shouldn’t be necessary

Wow nasty thread. I bet you don't think how in a few years time it could be you and your dd your dh sacks off.

A man willing to walk away from his child is not worth having.

Because she has absolutely zero boundaries whatsoever and anyone who even suggests that she might for example knock before entering, has their name slandered around the community. It was a barrel of laughs!