To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

He chose you over her.

You chose to marry a man who already had a child.

The child had no choice in either if these things.

All of this. ^ You are not coming across very well at ALL on this thread @IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt You don't just get to 'quit' being a step parent. This 17 year old girl would have been SEVEN YEARS OLD when her dad went off with you FGS. You sound so cold towards her. And I am sure her mother has many reasons to be angry and bitter. I would love to hear their side of the story.

But hey, you have a lovely blissful existence now, and I am sure there will be plenty of step-mummies on here, who also have men with evil ex-wives and bratty conniving children, to give you some tea and sympathy.

I completely understand. Some ex parters make it impossible to coparent and in that case the lives of the children are better without a step- parent (target of abuse).
It sounds like your OH has genuinely stepped up for his daughter. So many step mums end up doing the parenting instead of the father and it is understandable birth mum gets cross. Lots of varying situations here though - too easy to generalise.

Good for you OP! I suspect that there are a number of envious stepmothers on here judging from the comment's, who wish they could do this too?
wtf should you have to shut up and put up with abuse just because of some people’s expectations of the role of stepmother?
Your DH has a perfectly reasonable solution, enabling his dd to stay in her own home so why on earth posters on here think otherwise I have no idea.
Well done!👏

This is why I would never be a step-parent. I would want to come first. But I would also never respect any man who put me ahead of his DC.

I completely agree with you! People can spout all they want on here to you about it being wrong. However, you have prioritised your own and your daughters wellbeing. As you should. That's also your home. You haven't made him choose, or told him he can't see her etc. She's 17, not 4, she knows very well how to behave !

As soon as would be step parents can keep out of other folks marriages the better.

"As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs."

What a weird thing to say. Nobody expects women to do this. However, if you deliberately choose a man with children rather than the millions of men that don't have them then this is to be expected surely? Nobody forced you to choose him and now he basically has chosen you over his daughter...

It is a fact of life full stop. I am not a parent or sp but care for an elderly relative. This is the story of my life. We would all love to just give up on it for a peaceful life, wouldn’t we? But most of us choose not to. Not sure whether I admire pp’s actions or not. I think I am indifferent.

Where does the bliss part mentioned in the title come in? Because that all sounds shite, including your current situation.

@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt

Well done. People seem to think that because you're a sp - you cannot say no to abuse situations because you're making up for some untold damage that you didn't create.

Mum coming over for contact is fucking odd as is letting herself in to your house uninvited.

If anyone harmed my child, whether it be my niece, my sister, my DSc, my mother or my friend they sure as shit wouldn't be invited into my house ever again.

By telling her DH that she doesn’t want his
daughter in the house anymore, she quite literally has made him choose.

Lots of v thick people in this thread.

I wonder why you feel the need to “do battle on mc Internet forums”? It seems that is what you are setting yourself up to do and it seems peculiar to me if you are so content with your decision.

She's 17. She's capable of catching a bus and meeting her dad somewhere. It's not like she's homeless. OP is a mother who put her own child first!!!! As she should. Also, calling strangers online "thick" isn't as hard hitting as you think. 🤣

OP, DSD did not get to choose to have you in her life but you did get to choose her father. You should have a bit of empathy for her, from this alone.

So her behaviour is not linked to her father’s actions at all? She was just born bad?

I HATE YOU.

my step mother did this to me when I was 14, my DB 12 and my DS just 9.

i'd spent 10 years trying to be good and fit in with what she wanted and she just chucked us out. have you any idea how hard ot is fora kid to keep changing the where they love, to give up birthday parties and sleepovers and missing put on other fun things because they're woth their dad that weekend? do you know what it's like to keep trying to please someone your father chose over your own mother.. constantly on edge in case you slipped up.. no wonder step kids can come across as strained and difficult

have you spared a single thought for this poor girl or are you just glowing in having got one over on her?

i'm very happy to say my dad left my ex SM a few months later because he cared about his kids and she'd made us all very unhappy. even so it took us all a long time to get over it..

I hope your life is forever plagued by stepping on lego bricks and 3 pin plugs

No , of course not . It’s probably the step mums fault for having a relationship with her dad . Because she has experienced the spilt of her parents she can abuse who she wishes and do as she likes . The step parent must accept all abuse and be silent 🙄

Yikes. You’re seriously on here crowing about this like it’s some sort of triumph?

My heart goes out to both children involved, here. It’s painful to know your parents will kick you out as a teen if things get too hard. What a lousy trio of adults.

Aaaaand... ladies and gentlemen it's step-parenting bingo full house!

OP you are coming across on here as hostile and confrontational to anyone who doesn’t agree with you, using the tired ‘feminist’ phrase ‘internalized misogyny’ being used to shut down anyone who doesn’t agree with you.

FWIW I hope things work out for the whole family. DSD sounds like she’s very damaged and this has hurt her more (because she’s right, your DH did choose you over her). Your inability / unwillingness to understand her point of view and insistence on celebrating this as a victory is uncomfortable to see, I just hope that this doesn’t impact on your shared child.

Even without this, there is absolute no guarantee that your child won’t end up with their own issues so the smugness around this may be short lived. But if you communicate in real life, the way you do on here that won’t help her.

Always goes the same way. Very predictable . They should teach about blended families at school . How awful and soul destroying they are for step mums . Least then the ‘ you knew what you were getting yourself into ‘ brigade would have a leg to stand on 😊. No one knows the horror of being a step parent , they would not do it.

Well done OP. In this context - 17 yo SD, living three doors away, Dad able to stay at the house, abuse from Mum - I think you've made a good decision. Obviously it could have future reprocussions for your relationship with your DH, but it sounds like the previous set up was affecting that anyway.

What has she actually done though? You’re being very cryptic amongst the empowerment, toxic behaviour buzzwords. It’s kind of key to all this isn’t it? Is she merely a difficult and challenging teen or is there something more serious.

Decision is yours but I don't think there are any easy answers in these situations and your peace may be short lived.
My DH's ex was a pita when I met him, long after their break up. His son was a little sod at times and it took all my strength to cope with him, including a stint when he lived with us as his ex couldn't cope. Fast forward a few years, we have a great relationship, he has his own partner and DC, ex wife has new partner, we have grown up DC and we all get along well.
I know others who, like you, caused rifts with DSC and it didn't end well. DP will feel torn loyalties at some point and it will taint your relationship. Sorry Op, enjoy your peace but it may well bite you on the bum sooner or later.