To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Horrible thread. You couldn’t have waited 2-3 yrs until she was more grown up and moved out anyway. You had to do it to a 17 year old child eh.

There are literally so many man who do not have children who you could have chosen to procreate with.

All your family/friends/acquaintances who hear of this situation will be thinking of you very poorly (to put it mildly). Your DC will grow up wondering why they don’t have a relationship with their sister - it will be great when they’re a teen and find out you banned their DSis from the house at 17. Not a recipe for disaster at all. But if you’re happy with that, you do you I guess.

I read your other thread. You have every right to ban these woman from your home. DSD is an adult and an abusive adult.

Her choice not to see her father as both you and her father moved mountains to keep a relationship.

Unfortuantky children take after their main careers. You never stood a chance.

im glad you had a nice Christmas. And hope you have many more.

Your health and happiness should be considered too. Obviously SD has been poisoned by her mother and there's no fixing that until she matures and decides to continue that or repair the damage done. It's not even her fault at that age but if the other adults weren't adulting someone has to! It's mind boggling how many people are raising children of their own but can't grasp the concept of boundaries. It's sad so many commenters here don't even see you as a human deserving of peace in your own home. You used the word abuse a few times and they keep insisting you should bear it. What?! Too many women put up with abuse because of a man. DH needs to take responsibility for this, not you. You did good! And I like your use of the word vexatious, I haven't heard that in awhile, I'm going to start using that.

Where is that thread? Can someone PM it to me?

Did you break up her parents marriage? If so, her feelings towards you, albeit it played on by her mum may be justified

How to people post these things 😂Yeah and a child should feel safe in their home too. Their parent’s home should be their home. That’s actually the concept of being a parent.

Women choose to shack up with a man who is already a father. The child doesn’t choose to lose their place in their father’s home.

He would never do the same thing to your precious child. Only his annoying bratty older child (who he also raised, and is genetically 50% the same as both him and your own child). Your child is a totally different situation of course.

So we are talking about a 17yo who should know better too. If op was already cutting ties with DH for a peaceful and safer home without stress and drama stepping on egg shells in her own home, then the situation was really miserable and not simply a situation where the op wants her DH for herself.

The DH could find other ways to keep in contact with her dd or should have stepped up to begin with avoiding all of this but I doubt this will make the dsd or ex happy until they bulldoze the op away from the picture and there's no stopping. To me there's a DH/Df and a ex problem not a stepmum. At this point, I don't think it's op's responsibility. There are other adults in this picture who have caused this including a nearly adult.

I am also right that your DP’s home is your DSD’s home - making your child feel at home in both their parent’s homes is post divorce parenting 101.

I disagree with this but know I'm in the minority on this forum. In most situations, a child has one home and it's where they live as opposed to stay over. It's where their cat lives, where most of their possessions live and where their main carer lives. The other place is where they stay over to visit their other parent and their new family and they are a visitor and not a resident. This is what usually happens when parents split. I haven't scoured the OP's history (as some have) to find out why she feels so strongly but congratulations to her for putting her own child first. Her partner's other daughter already has a (possibly?) loving and caring home with her own mother and her father can see her as often as he likes on neutral ground.

Well done 👏 . Enjoy !

Shes 17 not 5 ffs

Yawn 🥱 . Step parent bashers about I see .

i don’t think you are wrong tbh.

However, I don’t know how you can stay with your husband. He let his ex and his child actually abuse you for years.

He was an ineffectual parent and husband. Then when you put your foot down, he folded and started staying at his exs house to see his dd.

I wouldn’t ever let my kids treat someone so badly. But neither would I have my kids banned from my homes if the person I shared it with wanted to ban them we would split. Yet he stayed.

I don’t know how you could even look at him never mind be in a relationship with him. How do you reconcile his behaviour and yet continue to have him in the same house as you? As you said it’s both your homes the dd may not be in it, but he is. He allowed it and facilitated it. And you still continue to be in the same home as him.

Just interested in how that works for you?

I read your other thread. You have every right to ban these woman from your home. DSD is an adult and an abusive adult.

So interesting that a 17-year-old girl
is an adult when they’re a stepchild. I wonder if OPs child will also qualify as a woman and an abusive adult who she has the right to ban from her home when she is 17.

😂😂 Nice one excusing all the poor behaviour by dsd and the mum who pushed op to this . You just want to step parent bash, relax a bit .

Can someone link the other thread

You refer quite a few times to the danger your step child poses to your biological child. If she has committed acts which indicate she is dangerous, should she not be under either some form of psychiatric care or the judicial system? (Forgive me if she already is and I have misunderstood). 17 is effectively an adult - if she poses a danger to children, even one child, it would seem that is unlikely to be allayed simply by telling her she is banned from a house, and possibly changing locks etc.

I think the other thing that intrigues me (and I hope you don't mind us asking questions - you do seem to have posted to educate other women after all) is why on earth you still wish to be in a relationship with your husband. From your posts you appear to have zero love or compassion for him (which may well be quite valid if he has intentionally exposed you to decades of abuse) - so why stay together?

It's also hard to understand his perspective in wishing to stay with you, when you ban his child from the house - unless he accepts that his child's behaviour is so extreme and abusive your feelings are valid......

Anyway, you can't answer for him of course.

Your posts also express vast certainty in your own total rightness and others wrongness, and it always intrigues me when people feel like this, as I hardly ever feel with total certainty that i am entirely right and others entirely wrong, at least in interpersonal issues. Is this how you feel? And is it a common feeling for you?

Hope you do respond to my questions, or some of them - I am intrigued! And thanks for posting - I think one of the real things forums like this can offer is insight into different lifestyles and ways of doing stuff.

As a step-child, who was a hard teenager and pushed my parents and step parents to their limits, this is appalling. Yes cut the ex out, but she's 17, she's SO young with an awful mum and separated parents she must be so confused and lost. I'm so very very glad both my step-parents guided me through my hard teen years and didn't just abandon me, as an adult, now with my own kids, I love them so much for it.

And yes, it sounds like your DH chose you over her. Sad his daughter will grow to resent you both.

I read the other thread. Glad to see an update that's working for you and your DD. A very difficult situation and I do feel sorry for your DH but you and DD shouldn't pay the price you were.

You didn’t give up step parenting, you gave up on his DD completely.

Well done OP.
It always amazes me that people would rather a younger child was bullied and made to feel unsafe in their own home just because the older one is a step-child. So many times there are threads on here from posters who have been tormented/bullied by their older sibling and guess what the replies usually are:

"go NC and never see them again" or "why didn't your parents protect you from it when you were young" No-where has there been a comment that said "well suck it up buttercup, she's your half sister who never lived with you and your mother was right to turn a blind eye to your suffering".

Being a SC (and an almost adult one at that), does not give them a free pass to behave anyway they want at the expense of others. Yes both parents should have parented better, but that ship has long since sailed in this case. The OP has put her own child's wellbeing first, what's wrong with that? Who on here wouldn't do the same?

I’m the first to support boundary-setting BUT the best time to have done that is when you started a relationship with this man knowing he had an ex-wife and daughter who were going to be challenging. That was the time to set your own boundary and walk away from the relationship, not go on to marry him and have a child with him.

You are experiencing the fall-out of choosing the wrong partner in life for you.

If nothing else mumsnet has put me off every being a step parent especially if you plan on having kids yourself. For every blended family that works well there seems to be 10 unhappy dysfunctional resentful situations.

I agree that he did choose you over his own daughter. Why should they be your friend. It's not realistic to expect it.

I suppose a lot will center on whether the OPs young daughter grows up to make other parents feel their child isn't safe around them. You know, like SD has done to her little SS?