To those SPs on their knees. I quit step parenting a year ago and it’s bliss!

[IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt]

I know my pov is quite rare so I wanted to share about the most peaceful year of my adult life.

DSD and her abusive mother made my life hell continuously in large and small ways. I was ready to leave DH last Christmas due to the unhappiness I felt trapped within.

Instead, I told DSD (17) and her mother that neither were to come into my home again. Ever.

There was the predictable slew of abuse etc but nothing they weren’t returning my decade’s worth of kindness with anyway, so I took it on the chin and blocked them on all platforms.

In this one year, my mental space has opened up so much room for creative pursuits, friendships, lovely outings and holidays with DH and our DD. No drama, no abuse just peace and safety.

I’ve just had the most calm, warm and beautiful Christmas ever and I don’t regret my decision one bit.

As women, we are held to saintly standards and expected to love another man’s children, carry a huge burden of domestic labour and mental load to meet their needs. We’re expected to allow step children to get away with overstepping our own boundaries and often feel like strangers in our own homes. Weekends interfered with, plans changed, no thanks from anyone ever despite the enormous sacrifices.

Best decision I’ve ever made.

Sad it had to be this way but DSD and her mother wouldn’t even meet me half way so I was out. And it’s bliss.

Well done OP. I recently took a step back from my partner's children and feel much more mentally healthy because of it.

Indeed. Because the other woman number keeps coming up with astounding regularity.

I'd not be judging anyone without walking a mile in their shoes when it comes to step parenting, either being one or having one.
@IQuitStepParentingandILikedIt I'm happy for you and hopeful your step daughter becomes happier also, so one day there is the ability to mend these fractures. Until that, if that is a possibly, enjoy your peace and your boundaries being respected x

But he didn't walk away, did he? He continued to see his child, whilst also considering the welfare of his second child.

… or not 😊. Op may live a happy life . Who doesn’t like a happy ending ?

I'm going to withhold judgement as I don't know what was going on with DSD. Quite reasonable to ban the mother from the house but I can only imagine it must be quite severe if you're banning a 17 year old step child for behaviour. 17 is old enough to know how to behave nicely. I hope that warnings were at least given beforehand.

I think the way this has all come about is the issue. The current 'nesting' situation could have worked out well if it had been agreed on amicably. I can't fault DSD for being upset with her father. You've stood up for your right not to be abused (and I don't think you have to accept abuse from DSD, assuming that's what was going on) but, from her pov, you've rejected her and her father has too, by association. She can't go to her father's home, so that's a rejection, even if he is seeing her elsewhere.

Such a messy situation with not enough info to make a real judgement call.

I’m sure I remember your thread from before OP. I am so glad you have found peace and happiness. Doing the “right” thing should not come at the expense of your mental health and wellbeing. Relationships are the responsibility of everyone involved, not just the SM. You don’t owe DSD anything.

That might be your experience but it’s by no means universal.

Being a step mum is not soul destroying, I’ve been one for 24 years and am now a step grandmother. We’ve all spent Christmas together and are meeting up again today and it’s been a very happy time as have many of the other blended families I know. There were challenges of course, but there were in parenting our shared children.

This ridiculous painting of blended families as horrific is just building prejudice and creating more difficulties for the kids who are the bystanders in the relationships of adults and end up being the ones who have to live with the consequences.

Step mothers on the other hand are expected to sacrifice weekends, their own money, emotional labour, holidays, peace for children who often don’t behave and whose mothers do everything they can to make her life difficult

Ermmm.....no. This might be your experience but it is not every mother who tries to make the ex's life difficult. Most of us are just glad to be rid of the useless idiots. And whilst I can only speak for my children and their behaviour, it is rarely an issue in my home. Their step mother perhaps needs to have a closer look at how their father has parented them.

This isn't the thread you think it is OP, I assumed this was going to say you left the dad as a means to quit step parenting but you've just quit the kid, it doesn't work like that. You've got a dysfunctional marriage still, not the freedom and success you think you have.

This.

I can understand you banning the ex wife from your home OP but unless there has been serious violence I can't see that you're justified in banning a teenager from her Dad's house. Unless it is just your house you don't have that right.

I don't think I've ever read anything so entitled.

Your step-daughter existed before your relationship. How do you get to the point of being so entitled to presume you're more important, that your DD is more important then ensuring the step child always has a home with their father. If you're unhappy with the politics of having a step child why on earth did you marry a man with a child? It isn't a buffet you can't pick and choose the family your partner comes with!

Christ people are bending over backwards to try and needle op, suggesting her dh will leave etc. But people are forgetting as mother if your child is being hurt, you will do anything to stop it. I don't think she cares frankly if her dh does leave if it means she and her child aren't in the firing line, I wouldn't tbh given I read the first thread and it was fucking harrowing.

Just because she's a sm doesn't mean she silently has to accept repeated abuse and attacks in her own house to her own small child.

She hasn't left her dsd homeless and contact hasn't changed frequency just the location, she's literally left her dh to have one on one time with his daughter. Actions have consequences and if you're abusive and repeatedly violent some doors will close to you. And the hurt that's prompted those actions - is one for the parents to address (which is seems like both mum and dad have been ignoring)

You reap what you sow

people keep saying SD’s actions were horrific as detailed in a previous thread, but most of us haven’t read that thread and can only go by what we have on this thread. If dad was so horrific why wasn’t she given mental health help or ascribed a social worker for her own safety and that of others? We’re her actions criminal? If so, why wasn’t someone alerted to this? The school?

It never ceases to amaze me that MN will tell everyone to cut contact with abusive family, partners and friends unless it’s a step mum. Stepmoms being endlessly abused and second marriages ruined is seen as the price we are suppose to pay for marrying someone with an ex and children.

No one should live a life being abused. Being abused by ex wives and step children isn’t okay.

This is really uncomfortable read. You’ve bit given specific examples of DSDs behaviour, but its really difficult to understand how a 17 year old can be banned from one of their parents homes. You are quick to mention DHs ex ‘alienating’ SD against DH, but, regardless of what his ex has or hasn’t done, surely being banned from her dads house will have the biggest negative impact on their relationship?

It’s hard to understand why your DH has allowed his child to be banned from his house. Its also difficult to understand how you are happy to stay in a relationship with your DH if he has stood by for years and allowed you and one of his children to be abused to the point where it has come to this. I can’t help feeling that he is most likely the root cause of much of the issues, however you seem to focus on his ex / SD as the problem.

Either way it’s your SD that I feel sorry for, this will be the end of her relationship with her dad.

I think it's very sad it's come to this but the OP has ultimately done what was needed for her and her daughter. Even at 17 you need to learn you cannot bully and behave appallingly - even to your family. In schools and colleges it's not tolerated so why should it be at home?

It's the parents that have let this 17 year old down, not the step parent caught in the crossfire. Either encouraging or allowing this toxic damaging behaviour - that's the disgrace here, not another mother protecting her home and children. It's interesting how many are outraged by the stepmother setting healthy boundaries rather than being outraged by what let to this from the child's own mother and ineffectual father.

And you absolutely can quit step parenting - ludicrous to suggest otherwise and it's about time people accepted this. Especially the Ex's!

It’s not impossible that he chose the safety of his younger child over allowing his older daughter into the house. My eldest went off the rails for a while and I occasionally thought that if one of my children started to bring drugs/needles into the house (for example) that I might have to exclude them for the safety of the others. I wouldn’t have cut them off (as this dad didn’t) but there have to be boundaries sometimes.

If it really was bad, then there’s still a chance the step daughter might change if she steps away from her mum’s influence. It does sound like an incredibly sad situation though.

The answer is to leave the relationship, not force out the child. Step-parents marry into families, children don't get that choice. That's your answer why others are told to cut contact with abusive family members. Most people don't get a choice who their parent is in a relationship with. Why should a step parent get a choice over the child?

I agree to a point.

But children are different to other family members.

But for me the weirdest bit that Op remains in a relationship with a man who allowed this to happen. Allowed his other daughter’s safety at risk. He remains in the same home.

He is still a shit surely and husband whether op actually sees his daughter or not. But can m, quite happily, remain living with him.

I don’t think she is necessarily wrong. But I don’t understand that part.

The DH still sees his elder daughter whilst keeping his younger daughter protected from her, he hasn't been made to choose. If anything it is the elder daughter (and the toxic mother), forcing him to choose due to their abusive behaviour.

Like you said lots of v thick people on this thread.

I knew you'd get a hard time when I read your first post. Just wanted to say well done. It never ceases to amaze me the shit some step-mothers put up with. Nobody would ever be allowed in my house if they were a threat to my child or showed me no respect in my own home. She is seeing her father, just not in your house! Also she's 17 not 5. As a previous poster said you reap what you sow.