Step children not cleaning their room.

[TheFoz]

I wrote a big long thread and it disappeared so I’ll keep this brief.

DH is gone away for a couple of weeks, his young teens are still coming here on their scheduled time with him. Last week I asked them to clean their room, they did a basic clean. I asked them to clean it properly, they refused. I withheld their games console.

How should I proceed with this when they return next week? Their room is disgusting, DH knows this and doesn’t seem to be bothered, he’s lazy about cleaning himself.

I really don’t want to be the wicked stepmother but their room is full of discarded food, wrappers, bowls, cutlery etc. It’s only a matter of time before there is a furry friend in there.

So instead of being a wicked stepmother she should be the maid? No.

That’s equally ridiculous, though.
The man fought through court to have his DC for more contact. And he is not consistently there to have that contact. That is what is ridiculous. And you enable this why?

Because he has to work to pay the bills. And we all need time out, hence his hobby.

While he has 50/50 access he pays a sizeable amount of maintenance every month, along with paying the mortgage on the former family home which his ex lives in.

I know! It's not being "Wicked" to not tidy a teenagers bedroom

He’s making a complete mug of you. His kids and his job are his issues to sort. Dumping his kids on the latest woman is super unattractive and failing at parenting.
Instead of thinking ‘but if I don’t ——- then he’ll have to ——— ‘
think: what do I want in life? Am I being honoured and cherished?

You need to do a supported clean with them. Same as social workers do with kids in care. Stay in room with them and basically do it together.
i know you probably don’t want to but that’s what needs to happen.
I really haven’t the energy to do into all the psychology of it but take my advice and just do it with them and then each week just gradually reduce the amount of support until they manage on their own.

No, their dad can do this.
Being step mum doesn't make her the family skivvy

Yeah, OP does not ‘need’ to do anything for these teenagers. Either of their two parents can raise them.

Doesn’t matter who does it but that’s what needs to happen. No point moaning on about it and just get it done.

Every point in moaning about it, then hopefully OP will stop allowing herself to be mugged off.

@Janedoe82 I’ve done that with my daughter. I do not have the time, the energy or the motivation to do that with children who have two parents. I have full time job, three children of my own and an elderly parent to care for.

Please explain to me, why you think that would be my role and not either of their parents.

It really does matter who does it.

Because your husband isn’t there and you are the one complaining about the mess!!
if you don’t want to do it that’s grand but no point yapping about it if you aren’t prepared to do anything. You chose to marry him!!

The problem with him is he has a very demanding job, he can’t handle having them on top of it and their behaviours.

Then he'll need to change jobs; he has children and he needs to parent them.

This is really pathetic, "My job is too stressful to combine it with children. Someone else will need to deal with my children instead".

Well, pop round to OPs house and crack on then.

Missing the point. Her options are not- raise this blokes kids for him or, shut up. They’re actually-stay being mugged off, or divorce the user of man. He’s certainly not thinking ‘Wehh, but if I swagger off for a week/spend hours doing my hobby, that’d mean I’m dumping my kids on someone I’m meant to care about who already has a lot to do’

Yes kids can be rank …
however I don’t think the kids shouldn’t be allowed to come when dad has to work occasionally.
its their home too.
for the record 2 of mine are absolutely rank and it’s a battle to get them to keep the house clean. I feel your pain !

It’s not my house. I was a foster carer for years. Young teens can’t manage often to maintain a bedroom without support. If you don’t want to give it then don’t but then you have to lower your expectations until your husband returns.

I couldn't be doing with us. When I divorced then if my ex husband was away, I didn't expect my children to go and stay with his wife.

As long as there's not a smell seeping I to the rest of the house just leave them to live in their filth. My SSs room stinks. He's changed his bed sheets twice this year. Done about 3 washings. I care not a jot. Doesn't affect me directly, not worth adding to my mental load.

@Janedoe82 have you read the thread? Or at least all my posts? The mess, as you put it, has been there. He is aware of it. I put my foot down last weekend and said no console until the room was cleaned.

I have asked for advice on how to proceed when they return. I don’t know how marrying him and not wanting to clean their mess have anything to do with each other.

They are not my children. They have two parents. They are living in our home with a room that is disgusting and has the potential to bring in rodents. I am not about to clean the mess of two teenagers that created it. And will continue to create it.

@Forgotmylogindetails I honestly don’t understand why they would to? Surely their access is to see their parents?

@TheFoz

Msybe they really like dads partner , maybe their are siblings maybe they like their other home ?

I think it’s great they are comfortable there without dad actually being there. says a lot for the partner ❤️

And did he not think about how much he needed to work and what time he needed for his hobbies before he went to court for more contact with DC he cannot look after? That is my point. His court ordered contact, that he went to court for, no doubt causing stress and upset, and costing money, is for time that he is not there because he has to work and does his hobbies. What is the point of that? Was the plan always that you would pick up the slack or what?
Sorry, I would find that very hard to respect in a man.

Same. All that stress for everyone without ever stopping to think whether he actually wanted it. He just wanted to "win" I think