Step children not cleaning their room.

[TheFoz]

I wrote a big long thread and it disappeared so I’ll keep this brief.

DH is gone away for a couple of weeks, his young teens are still coming here on their scheduled time with him. Last week I asked them to clean their room, they did a basic clean. I asked them to clean it properly, they refused. I withheld their games console.

How should I proceed with this when they return next week? Their room is disgusting, DH knows this and doesn’t seem to be bothered, he’s lazy about cleaning himself.

I really don’t want to be the wicked stepmother but their room is full of discarded food, wrappers, bowls, cutlery etc. It’s only a matter of time before there is a furry friend in there.

Nah. He can sort it out when he is there

Oh hey there, we do know it! We find this out by reading the ops comment. His ex does not want them for any longer than her court ordered time. Even when she does have them she is ringing my DH complaining about their behaviour.
if you scroll up thread you could do this too!

Yes, I read that bit, if you read my previous comments. She is calling her children’s father to discuss their behaviour. This is not unreasonable either. And I refer to my previous point - the father has taken the mother to court for this additional time. She is not unreasonable to expect the father to look after the children for the time he went to court for!

@Codlingmoths
Discussing the behavior of their mutual children is what parents do.That is not an indicator of not wanting your children so much as a discussion of what is happening with your mutual children and a consideration of how you are going to jointly address the behaviors.

@MaryMcI My DH did not take his ex to court for ‘additional’ time. What are you withering on about??

They agreed 50/50 but couldn’t agree on how it would work out, as in week on week off or the like. That was what was arranged in court along with maintenance.

A good parent who cannot handle their job and their kids gets a different job, not a different parent for their kids.

Ex phones/texts DH continually when the children are with her looking for him to punish them for behaviour that is happening on her time. She seems incapable of parenting them herself.

The family have been referred to social services due to behaviour issues where the police had to be called. One child has been suspended from school twice in two years.

I will be ensuring DH has a video call with them when they return here so he can lay down the law about the bedroom.

Agreed. Not fair for him to dump this on you op.

I don’t think this is wrong of her. He is still their Dad when they are living with her. It isn’t a timeshare. He is also still their Dad regardless of his ex’s parenting skills, and when the situation is difficult.

The only person who isn’t responsible is you.

The bedroom stuff is pretty small fry compared to this!! These kids are being failed by both their parents and you're accusing their mother of being incapable but at least she's in the country!!

You're excusing your husband's laziness and lack of interest in his own children despite the fact that he isn't even managing to be in the same house as his kids to parent them, and when he is he chooses not to anyway.

Your husband is the problem here.

You shouldn't have them when he isn't there, it isn't your job to parent/discipline his children.

Regarding the rooms, the rules I had with my stepson were:

• No eating/drinking in bedrooms apart from water by the side of the bed at night.
• If there were things on the floor, he didn't get screen time

Simple as that.

It might seem harsh but it works, and if they learn to keep on top of the cleaning/tidying, it will be much, much easier.

I never understood how my stepson could make so much mess in his room, given that all he ever did was play on a console.

Yeah, don’t think a video call will fix your absolute deadbeat of a bloke. How can you fancy or respect such a specimen?

@TheFoz
Prior to calling his children to "lay down the law," your husband should decide how he is going to handle the situation. Perhaps, he is going to say that he will be responsible for clearing the rooms, or perhaps he is going to choose to hire a cleaning service.

Your position should be that the situation has to be immediately resolved. You should not involve yourself in how the message is conveyed, i.e. FaceTime etc.

You are also stressing yourself unnecessarily about their parenting and parenting communication. These children belong to the 2 of them, and you cannot fix either of them or their children. You seem to want them to take a more punitive stance. That may or may not solve the problem, but it is their problem to fix.

It seems as though these children have an ineffectual mother and a largely and ineffectual father . No amount of punishment and consequences will solve those problems.

So social services are all ready involved! What a complete mess of a situation.
’lay down the law’- says it all.

The family have been referred to social services due to behaviour issues where the police had to be called. One child has been suspended from school twice in two years

Even more reason not to have the children when their father is away!

The family have been referred to social services due to behaviour issues where the police had to be called. One child has been suspended from school twice in two years.
The family? What weird phrasing. That is your family. They are your stepkids. They are your husband’s kids. Im not saying at all you should clean up after them (and the console would be permanently away) but you cannot distance yourself from them when they are your family. Neither parent is parenting them adequately.

Honestly just sounds like normal kids
leave them to it

Does it? Suspended and social services involved? Pretty low bar for ‘normal’.

Oh dear.
Choosing to marry a man with DC means choosing to allow their filth in your home now does it? Lovely.
We had this with DSD. Predictably she ended up with a menagerie in her room. So DH absolutely went to town on the room, stripped it all down, cleaned it all out and I've said that there will be no more "respecting her privacy" from me if she lets it go back to how it was.
She will respect our home and I will respect her privacy or she will disrespect our home and wicked stepmother will be in there with black bags to sort it out if DH doesn't get there first. End of story.

It isn’t normal and what is even more concerning is that despite social services being involved steps haven’t been taken to ensure the children have a clean and tidy home environment- regardless of whose responsibility it is.
poor poor children. I am appalled

OP, it's not your responsibility to parent these children.

Your dh cannot travel for work on weeks when he has his dc. He can explain to work that he is a parent, with all that goes with that responsibility.

Or he can tell his ex and dc that he cannot do 50/50 because his job pays for their home (he is paying the mortgage on his former family home, you said?).

The two parents need to work out a plan. One where you are not the unpaid and unwilling childcare.

It's not your problem to solve. Just tell them that you are not their solution.

@Vriddle
Parents typically pay the mortgages on the homes in which their children live . That does not excuse them from meeting other parenting obligations, nor are they awarded gold medals for providing for their children. These are the obligations for which you sign up when you decide to become a parent.

"Wicked Stepmother" for not cleaning their rooms?

FFS I'm going to have to name change in case anyone thinks I've had a bang on the head and it's me who's coming out with this tripe 🙄

I know
The internalised misogyny is unreal. 'Wicked" if you don't clean their rooms till they are "pristine". FFS.

I believe this says more about your life than you probably intended. No, social services involvement and exclusions are not normal.