Step children not cleaning their room.

[TheFoz]

I wrote a big long thread and it disappeared so I’ll keep this brief.

DH is gone away for a couple of weeks, his young teens are still coming here on their scheduled time with him. Last week I asked them to clean their room, they did a basic clean. I asked them to clean it properly, they refused. I withheld their games console.

How should I proceed with this when they return next week? Their room is disgusting, DH knows this and doesn’t seem to be bothered, he’s lazy about cleaning himself.

I really don’t want to be the wicked stepmother but their room is full of discarded food, wrappers, bowls, cutlery etc. It’s only a matter of time before there is a furry friend in there.

Why are you having them when he isn’t here?! That really isn’t necessary unless you actively want to.

Ah, access by proxy! I would guess the ex is very keen to despatch the children, even though their Dad isn’t around?

Or... although dad knew he couldn't actually accommodate the contact he fought for due to his job, he still took his ex to court to get it, and relies on someone else to parent his kids when they could be with their mum.

Yes my lovely, you are being a mug.

They are not your responsibility, even if they were angelic.

If it is court ordered, the ex does not have a choice in sending the children, unless she wants to be in contempt of court.

If he had to go through Court, I suspect she'd rather have the kids with her.

This.

Their rooms would be pristine if they weren't there. Which they shouldn't be when Dad is away. Unless you truly want them to be.

No court ordered you to have them. You get to say no.

Yes I know - bonkers isn't it.

I don't think you should be having them open when their dad is not here. Let them stay with their mum.

But I'd insist on all food and plates coming out - mice are a real problem.

If it is court ordered, the ex does not have a choice in sending the children, unless she wants to be in contempt of court.

I thought that court ordered access meant that the mother can’t withhold access, but if the father can’t have them for whatever reason, then he doesn’t have them? This is the arrangement my DH had. Not sure if this arrangement has a name? DH used to work away sometimes, so couldn’t have his usual access on those weeks but never found himself in contempt of court?

^ This

Also a DM of older Teens.

In fairness the two of them were as bad as each other fighting over access. Now that the children are older and becoming more challenging neither parent seems to want to parent them. I feel like I’m the only person putting boundaries in place with them.

@TheFoz
You want the room clean. Tell their dad to work out a system for getting it clean. That might involve dad having them clean the room, dad cleaning the room, or dad paying for a cleaning service to maintain the rooms. It should not matter to yo what solution they choose. It should only matter that the rooms are cleaned on a regular basis and that you are not expected to clean them.

For some reason the reply button isn’t working for me.

if I say no, it means he can’t go away to work. His ex does not want them for any longer than her court ordered time. Even when she does have them she is ringing my DH complaining about their behaviour.

The problem with him is he has a very demanding job, he can’t handle having them on top of it and their behaviours.
For example, he’ll tell them to clean their room, they’ll go upstairs, and come back half an hour later looking for their games console and he’ll give it them. He never checks if they’ve actually done it.

And before anyone says it, I know I have a DH problem. I honestly think he’s depressed. But he won’t do anything about it.

Ah, I see. So the ex also palms the children off on her partner when she has them? Or does she look after them and really just expect your DH to be a co-parent and discuss DC behaviour?

But yes, you have a DH problem. Probably his ex also had a DH problem, but he is the one who took her to court for access, so he really does need to step up.

@TheFoz
A parent does not get the option of saying that he or she cannot handled both their children's behavior and their job. Both parents are equally responsible for and obligated to these children. What they are and are becoming , it is a shared obligation to control and teach their children.

Neither of them gets to opt out of that responsibility because of work. You should not become a parent if you cannot manage both employment and parenting.

You seem to be suggesting that the mother is negligent and incompetent, but that your husband has a valid excuse for being less involved in the day to day rearing of his children.

These parents may not live together, but their responsibility to and for the children remains the same regardless of where the parents live.

Tell them you're embarrassed and if they want a girlfriend/boyfriend they won't want to come round for sex.

To be fair, why should his ex have the children longer than the time the court order has left her with? She has her own job and commitments, no? Your DH was the one who took her to court to ask for the time and then what, he expects her to forget the fact that he asked for a court order and to look after the DC on that time anyway?
I mean, you surely see how ridiculous that is. His court order time, which he went to court for, so he parents.

@MaryMcI no he doesn’t expect his ex to care for the children on his week. He expects me to.

In fairness, it's the opposite for me. I'd love to have my children when their dad is away , but he never tells me (or them) until after.

Sometimes he asks me to have them, sometimes he expects his new partner to. Neither of us or the children seem to get any say or warning (he's away a lot)

(Yes, I mean, he's a dick, that's why I left him. But don't assume the ex wouldn't love to have them)

I always want my children to feel welcome with me if their dad doesn't want them/can't have them, however stressful it might be rearranging my plans/work.

I always suspected he only pushed for more contact to reduce his maintenance obligations, because he only uses about half of his allocated time in a year. I wish the courts were wiser to this

Re bedrooms .

I just close the door and make it their problem. Out of sight, out of mind

That's what I do but I think when the potential for rats or maggots is there some intervention is required.

Dear god. He fought for access, he has to be present for contact. If that means he can’t travel for work tough shit. That’s what a lot of single parents have to accept.

If he decides to work away anyway they have to stay with their mother. You owe neither he nor his ex anything. And before people wail “think of the children” the way you can best do that is ensuring they’re with one or other parent and not being made to feel neither mum nor dad wants them by stepping in to cover them.

Say you’re not allowing the next scheduled visit. The parents can sort it out. Not your job.

Please, put your foot down. Don’t try and compensate for two lots of shit parenting, literally no one will thank you for it! Step back. Waaaaay back.

Say no. They aren’t your children. If their dad isn’t there they can’t come come. Who cares if that means he can’t work?!! He’s taking you for an absolute mug.

*Go into the room.

Take all food/wrappers/litter/bowls/cutlery etc. Clean it or bin it.

Vacuum and clean the room so that it is pristine. Put everything away as best you can.

When they return:

Let them have their games console
Ban eating/drinking in bedrooms unless it's a water bottle

Try not to get into any more conflict. It isn't worth it.

My teens are older.*

This. Don't be the wicked stepmother. Difficult enough!