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Original poster

Step children not cleaning their room.

129 replies

TheFoz · 04/11/2023 16:15

I wrote a big long thread and it disappeared so I’ll keep this brief.

DH is gone away for a couple of weeks, his young teens are still coming here on their scheduled time with him. Last week I asked them to clean their room, they did a basic clean. I asked them to clean it properly, they refused. I withheld their games console.

How should I proceed with this when they return next week? Their room is disgusting, DH knows this and doesn’t seem to be bothered, he’s lazy about cleaning himself.

I really don’t want to be the wicked stepmother but their room is full of discarded food, wrappers, bowls, cutlery etc. It’s only a matter of time before there is a furry friend in there.

OP posts:
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xyz111 · 04/11/2023 23:22

TheFoz · 04/11/2023 18:12

It’s more so that he informs his ex that such a person will be keeping the boys as he will be away.

Sometimes it happens that he goes away to take part in a sport during the week that he has them and I’m expected to parent them. Am I being a mug to do this?

Yes you are unfortunately

jlpth · 04/11/2023 23:45

OP, you are worried about creatures in that room and yet you won’t clean it. If I understand correctly, h is working away and dsc are at their mums. So there isn’t anyone there to clean it other than you Confused. I don’t understand why you don’t clean it. I clean up dog shit that random bastards leave outside on my street. Because if I don’t, someone will step in it and that someone might walk into my house. It isn’t my shit to clean but I do it to prevent worse happening.

Redlarge · 05/11/2023 00:05

MaryMcI · 04/11/2023 18:21

Why the heck do men drag the mothers of their children through courts only to hand the parenting to some other woman? Honestly, the number of times you read something like this on here.

Power, control, abuse 'to win'. To play the victim.

THisbackwithavengeance · 05/11/2023 00:05

Removing tech is a ridiculous punishment for anyone over the age of about 13.

Ask them nicely to bring down their dirty pots and dishes and put dirty clothes in the wash basket. Actually talk to them and explain the reasoning rather then barking orders and dishing out punishments.

Any other cleaning is up to them. If it's messy then so be it. It's their room.

Stop moaning about DCs that didn't ask to be looked after by you and have no fucking choice in the matter.

Do something nice with them rather than seething about messy rooms. Create positivity rather than negativity.

Redlarge · 05/11/2023 00:08

MrsTerryPratchett · 04/11/2023 18:44

If he had to go through Court, I suspect she'd rather have the kids with her.

Show quote history

Me too, i suspect if they weren't sent when he is choosing to go away he would be very eager to prosecute.
The kids arent the problem here. Your partner is. He should be parenting and disciplining them over this.

Janedoe82 · 05/11/2023 02:03

Jlpth spot on.
OP- like I said- you chose to marry this man knowing he has children. They came as part of the deal. You said yourself you had to help your own daughter so are well aware of the capabilities of young people. Either you step up and take some responsibility for the children you have in your home or let it go.

Weenurse · 05/11/2023 02:22

We had a family meeting at the dinner table with minutes that were distributed to all.
The gist was we all live here, we all work/ study full time, we all contribute to the mess so we all need to contribute to the clean up. This was agreed by all.
Jobs were then allocated and written on a chore chart that lived on the kitchen door.
Generally, DC were responsible for their rooms, bathroom and washing (including sheets and towels).
They were expected to cook one night a week ( recipe of their choice) ( I did start mine cooking/ helping in the kitchen from age of 7 and 8 one night a week) and clean the kitchen 2 nights a week, feed the dog etc.
DH and I would clean communal areas, pay the bills, do the shopping and transport to and from work and sporting activities.
They were free to negotiate swapping nights etc with anyone as long as the other person agreed. They got $50 a week each for doing this and that paid for outfits, outings, presents, phones etc. They Learned to budget very well.
I did find that a mahoosive clean was required to start this as their rooms were pig sties and they had no idea where to start to clean. This also taught them how to clean to my standards.
We soon got into routine where after dinner, everyone just got on with their jobs and it was all done fairly quickly.
This worked for us.
Good luck.

Geppili · 05/11/2023 03:11

Why the hell are you left parenting his kids? Look to the father. Do you clear up after him?

Codlingmoths · 05/11/2023 03:54

He works with them to clean their rooms thoroughly by pitching in alongside them not issues an order and wandering off, every visit before he goes away or he must cancel going away, be it sport or work. You will never again look after them on your own with a filthy room at the start of their stay, and he is responsible for making sure this happens during their previous stay. Maybe they have to sell the family home, if he can’t manage his current job and parenting. It isn’t right that you take the brunt instead.

Floofydawg · 05/11/2023 08:04

Janedoe82 · 05/11/2023 02:03

Jlpth spot on.
OP- like I said- you chose to marry this man knowing he has children. They came as part of the deal. You said yourself you had to help your own daughter so are well aware of the capabilities of young people. Either you step up and take some responsibility for the children you have in your home or let it go.

Oh here we go....

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2023 08:22

You're making way too many excuses for your DH. I would be telling him you do not want to be looking after them when he isn't there and they need to stay at their mum's. If the rooms are still full of food when he gets back, tell him he needs to clean it because you are at the end of your tether, make it clear it's an ultimatum.

NearlyMonday · 05/11/2023 09:01

aSofaNearYou · 05/11/2023 08:22

You're making way too many excuses for your DH. I would be telling him you do not want to be looking after them when he isn't there and they need to stay at their mum's. If the rooms are still full of food when he gets back, tell him he needs to clean it because you are at the end of your tether, make it clear it's an ultimatum.

Absolutely. What would happen during his “access” if you got run over by a bus, OP?

00100001 · 05/11/2023 09:48

Janedoe82 · 05/11/2023 02:03

Jlpth spot on.
OP- like I said- you chose to marry this man knowing he has children. They came as part of the deal. You said yourself you had to help your own daughter so are well aware of the capabilities of young people. Either you step up and take some responsibility for the children you have in your home or let it go.

Or perhaps... You know...that maybe their actual FUCKING FATHER COULD TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY?

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 05/11/2023 10:02

Get some black rice and put it in their room near the dirty bowls. It looks like mouse droppings... might give them a shock!

dragonseal · 05/11/2023 10:03

Janedoe82 · 05/11/2023 02:03

Jlpth spot on.
OP- like I said- you chose to marry this man knowing he has children. They came as part of the deal. You said yourself you had to help your own daughter so are well aware of the capabilities of young people. Either you step up and take some responsibility for the children you have in your home or let it go.

Wtf

Why isn't dad taking some fucking responsibility? Why is he outsourcing it to OP.

Floofydawg · 05/11/2023 10:04

I do often wonder who the 'you knew what you were getting into' brigade are. Bitter ex wives? SMs themselves who martyr themselves by doing all the wife work? Men who don't respect women?

Halfemptyhalfling · 05/11/2023 10:11

Have changed post since reading update that DM does not want them either.

Can you go in and do a few joint cleaning sessions with them so it's not so much to manage and use the time to check in with them and see how they are doing. Tell them cleaning and tidiness is a life skill which will really help when they are older. Also can you ration playstation so they can only have it when their room is respectable.

HouseChainDrama · 05/11/2023 10:11

Poor kids, sounds like neither of their actual parents is stepping up and they are being offloaded on you. Each parent spending the minimum possible time with them.

Not sure I could love a man who was so poor at parenting to be honest.

HouseChainDrama · 05/11/2023 10:12

Halfemptyhalfling · 05/11/2023 10:11

Have changed post since reading update that DM does not want them either.

Can you go in and do a few joint cleaning sessions with them so it's not so much to manage and use the time to check in with them and see how they are doing. Tell them cleaning and tidiness is a life skill which will really help when they are older. Also can you ration playstation so they can only have it when their room is respectable.

Edited

Read up thread, their mum doesn't want them either. Poor kids

Autiebibliophile · 05/11/2023 10:15

I'd make them bring the pots down and clear rubbish out and leave them to it. I'd probably clean ensuite as it will end up needing replacing if it doesn't get cleaned

Merrymouse · 05/11/2023 10:24

TheFoz · 04/11/2023 21:22

Because he has to work to pay the bills. And we all need time out, hence his hobby.

While he has 50/50 access he pays a sizeable amount of maintenance every month, along with paying the mortgage on the former family home which his ex lives in.

I’m a widow. I have teenagers. I have to work and pay the bills and take the dog to the vet and deal with aging parents etc. etc. That is what grown ups do.

NearlyMonday · 05/11/2023 10:32

Read up thread, their mum doesn't want them either. Poor kids

I’ve said this before, but I always thought separated parents fought to ensure they got more time with the children, but in reality they fight to ensure they have them as little as possible.

Also, it’s fine for either mum or dad to say no, I’m not having them on Wednesday (or whenever) but if the step mother says no, well that’s just not acceptable, is it???

MaryMcI · 05/11/2023 10:49

NearlyMonday · 05/11/2023 10:32

Read up thread, their mum doesn't want them either. Poor kids

I’ve said this before, but I always thought separated parents fought to ensure they got more time with the children, but in reality they fight to ensure they have them as little as possible.

Also, it’s fine for either mum or dad to say no, I’m not having them on Wednesday (or whenever) but if the step mother says no, well that’s just not acceptable, is it???

Well, no, we don’t know the mother does not want time with the DC. We do know that the father went to court for more contact, which he was given, and he offloads this to the OP.

If the mother does not make the children available for court ordered contact, she is in contempt of court. The father could say that he is not available to take the children at this point, but the mother may well have legitimately organised her life so that she is working during dad’s time. We don’t know. If a man has gone to court for more contact with his DC, it is not unreasonable to expect him to, you know, look after his DC during that time. It is unreasonable for him to expect the mum or his new wife to do so. This is not hard to understand.

WrongSwanson · 05/11/2023 10:52

MaryMcI · 05/11/2023 10:49

Well, no, we don’t know the mother does not want time with the DC. We do know that the father went to court for more contact, which he was given, and he offloads this to the OP.

If the mother does not make the children available for court ordered contact, she is in contempt of court. The father could say that he is not available to take the children at this point, but the mother may well have legitimately organised her life so that she is working during dad’s time. We don’t know. If a man has gone to court for more contact with his DC, it is not unreasonable to expect him to, you know, look after his DC during that time. It is unreasonable for him to expect the mum or his new wife to do so. This is not hard to understand.

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Wholeheartedly agree with this.

Janedoe82 · 05/11/2023 11:07

Dad isn’t there. Step mum has responsibility for them in his absence. It isn’t rocket science to expect her to show some level of basic parenting when this was the situation she chose 🙈