Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

[blanketsmell]

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

You definitely need to replace the toy or offer equivalent. The children should be able to leave things in their room without younger sibling damaging things. This is yours and your partner's responsibility

This is it. I agave never met one of these mythical toddlers who always do what they are told 100% of the time in real life. Only ever read about them online.

My eldest knows that electronics and precious items are to be put out of reach from his toddler sibling and iPads or switches etc will not be replaced. My toddler loves his big brothers room and will go through his stuff if he spots an opportunity. After a broken Lego model everything precious is out of reach on high shelves. My husband and myself have to do the same with our own things. In fact my husband had his phone screen smashed when he accidentally left his phone on the couch one day.

I don’t have stepchildren but do have a large age gap between my kids and the youngest was always taught not to go into the older ones’ rooms without permission. Yes they don’t always do as they’re told and accidents happen, but if she’d got in and broken something on my watch while they were at school/sleepover/whatever then that would have been my responsibility as the supervising parent of said toddler so I would have apologised and replaced it.

Sounds like they might need a bit of a clear out but your SC should be able to feel their bedroom is private and safe. I would put a stair gate across the door if you can’t keep the younger one out.

Of a toy was left lying on the floor of the lounge, that would be different, but they are on their rooms. Yabvvu. Keep the wee one out of their rooms.

Because you should have been watching your child.

Because it demonstrates that you care. It says you are sorry about the toy and you know ow it is not the same, but it is the best you can do.

This is just a normal family situation and no need for drama.
Toddlers want to go where they shouldn't and older kids leave stuff lying around.
When my younger two were toddlers we turned the door handles upside down on the older children's rooms to stop them invading. This is as much for the safety of the younger ones as it is to protect the belongings of the older ones.
Sometimes though despite all our efforts the younger ones broke the older ones things. I had nothing but sympathy in those situations and yes I took responsibility if I was the parent in charge at the time.

Forget about ages, forget about blended families, forget about their mum.

A small child broke a toy, so the blame lies with whoever was supervising the small child.

But yes, doesn't need to be a big drama, these things do happen.

Surely thats why the OP needs locks and baby gates? Because all toddlers would want to go in there.

My children also were very curious and liked to challenge rules and wanted to play in the kitchen, full of fantastical and tantalising knives, cleaning products and fire.
I couldn't watch them at all times so I bought a lock for my kitchen door and chikdproofing on cupboards and ovens.
My children- my responsibility to prevent them doing wtf they wanted when I'm not looking.

Totally this. My second child destroyed a number of things belonging to number one. It’s just how it is. These children have an option not available to children who don’t have two homes; they can keep things out of the way. They just chose not to.

It’s normal family stuff, many responses directed at how uncaring you are are just weird. They’re expecting you to do more as a step parent than I would do as mum to my children.

You're pretty mean and blasé about this. One of the first things that you should be teaching younger siblings is NOT to go into older siblings rooms. Or, for that matter, other people's rooms without permission. But you seem to think that it's only your problem to police the toddler in YOUR spaces and communal spaces.

Nice.

When you go to a friend's house do you consider it your friend's children's responsibility to make sure your toddler doesn't smash into their room and break things? I bet not.

Yes, it's normal - but surely when it happens, the adult in the house feels bad AND absolutely blames the toddler, NOT the child whose room was trashed?!

When nephew went into DD's room and broke a toy, I blamed SIL and, to a lesser extent, myself for not watching him better. I didn't blame DD for leaving a toy in her room that he could get hold of!? I felt bad about it. And apologised to DD. It happens, but it's certainly not just a shrug off and "well, you had a toy in your room, what did you expect?"

Get the toy fixed? I say YABU too, just mean really.

There’s a saying that sometimes it’s more important to be kind than it is to be right (or words to that effect). I don’t agree with your DH that it’s solely your responsibility but tbh, OP, it seems to me that in this instance you’re more bothered about being right than you are your DSC’s toys — or, indeed, their feelings. It’s their home too…

Yes, it's normal - but surely when it happens, the adult in the house feels bad AND absolutely blames the toddler, NOT the child whose room was trashed?!

Indeed. It's the couldn't give a shit attitude that isn't normal here and the lack of desire to make any sensible changes to prevent the toddler getting into their siblings or other potentially dangerous rooms.

The natural response to this is not to blame the older children for daring to have stuff in their rooms.

I think repeatedly shouting at people that you were on the bog is laughable, leaving a toddler alone is a recipe for disaster, how did they have time to get in their room, find the toy and break it? What if toddler had got hurt? Sorry OP, I have my own SC's and I get its not an easy gig but this really is on you. You cant resent the kids having stuff in their own rooms and your child is your responsibility.

@blanketsmell Apologies, I misunderstood, I read that you had warned the kids to leave the door shut but reading again I see that the issue as you see it was they didn't put precious throngs out of sight now your daughter can open doors.

Can't you just chalk it up to being an unfortunate accident where nobody is really at fault? 1. You were in the loo, not your fault. 2. Your daughter is just a curious toddler - not your fault. 3. Your step kids are just kids and kids forget to do things sometimes. I know my dsd does. It's just one of those things.

I think people feel a bit defensive on behalf your sks cause it sounds a bit like you're trying to pin the blame on them, which is a bit distasteful.

@Goneblank38 was just going to write the same.

One of my strict rules (and I
didn't have many) was that my children weren't allowed into each other's rooms without an explicit invitation.

Yeah absolutely! If i was the father of all 3, knew my youngest could get into the older children's rooms and cause havoc, i would preempt this with a lock on the door to prevent upset later! Surely this is common sense!

What would you do differently? No lock by father and hope for the best? Didn't work in this situation otherwise OP wouldn't have posted the thread!

Time to get locks for their doors. They trusted their things were safe in your house. My sister got a lock for her door as my little sister kept going into her room and she just did it because she could. She wasn't a toddler.

As others have pointed out this isn't about toys this is about keeping a toddler out of a bedroom that could potentially contain items that can harm them ie alcohol and contraceptive pills.

Show your step children that you are taking action, when I say "you" I mean both you and their Dad. Put locks on their doors. Easy to install as a DIY job either a bolt or a key lock door.

I don’t know what kind of toddler people have that can train them like this. He’s a little kid for goodness sake. When you have little ones you keep unsafe and precious things out of their reach. The kids are secondary school, they should know this. Accidents happen though. There’s not much you can do if it can’t be replaced.
Do they play with these toys? Just thinking by secondary there’s very few things played with. If not, then either charity shop, send it to mums, put it in the attic, or if somethings they really like around them, put up some high shelves. I certainly wouldn’t be letting them keep all their childhood toys in their room. Get them to do a clear out and give mum 1st refusal of anything she wants back.

Your child broke an irreplaceable toy that had huge value to your DSC and they had not left lying around but instead kept it in their bedroom.

What steps would your SDC have to take to keep their toys safe? Are you suggesting they shouldn't leave precious things at their dad's house? What would your solution be? I understand you warned them to keep their doors closed, but once your DC could open doors was it just fair game, tough shit? Or did you provide them with further advice on how to keep their things safe?

I agree.

What about if your child goes into your room and breaks something?

Or anything of the other rooms and breaks something?

There is a reason why people need to child proof their home and this includes locks and baby gates.

You are lucky that your child didn’t injure themselves.

How old is your child?

I think you would feel a lot differently if your child went into your room and broke something of yours that was sentimental.