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Original poster

Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

487 replies

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 09:06

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

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Ourlittletalks · 15/10/2023 03:57

Many people live independent from their parents at a young age, depending on their personal circumstances. I know one girl who had two children by she 15 and lived away from home with those kids while she finished school. I know another girl who’s dad moved out when she was 14 for a new relationship and left her living alone from that age in the family home. I also know a man whos dad kicked him out @15 and spent two years couch surfing until he could find a landlord willing to rent to him because it was better than going into the care system, you have no idea of anybody else’s circumstances so do not act as if you do.

YireosDodeAver · 15/10/2023 04:07

Yabu

Given that it's totally predictable that a toddler will do this, and that the older children have a right to consider their room at their dad's house to be a safe place, and that they can't be there at all times obviously, there absolutely should be a bolt on that door. High up where a toddler can't reach, and of a type that can be operated from both sides so that no child can be accidentally (or deliberately)locked in there.

You & DH knew this was likely and did nothing to prevent it, and nothing to help give your stepchildren the minimum possible resources that they would need to prevent it. It will definitely happen again. Make sure DH gets the bolt sorted before the end of this weekend. .

mathanxiety · 15/10/2023 06:02

AlexandriasWindmill · 13/10/2023 09:13

You expect them to monitor if their room door is shut and where everything is when they aren't even in the house?
How do you ensure your 'little one' doesn't break items in other rooms in the house eg your bedroom, living room, kitchen? Presumably you supervise the youngest to ensure their safety. That supervision should have extended to not breaking their siblings' items.

When my DCs were small I put away items I didn't want them touching.

If friends were coming over and there were things they didn't want taken down and played with, they were put away. There were certain dolls and play sets containing multiple small pieces that regularly got put away.

Maybe the rest of the OP's house is similar?

mathanxiety · 15/10/2023 06:21

Namerequired · 13/10/2023 10:25

I don’t know what kind of toddler people have that can train them like this. He’s a little kid for goodness sake. When you have little ones you keep unsafe and precious things out of their reach. The kids are secondary school, they should know this. Accidents happen though. There’s not much you can do if it can’t be replaced.
Do they play with these toys? Just thinking by secondary there’s very few things played with. If not, then either charity shop, send it to mums, put it in the attic, or if somethings they really like around them, put up some high shelves. I certainly wouldn’t be letting them keep all their childhood toys in their room. Get them to do a clear out and give mum 1st refusal of anything she wants back.

These toys probably remind the children of their younger days when they were part of a family that included only them and their biological parents. Maybe they represent happy times.

It would be very harsh to imply to them that the value of the toys lies only in what can be seen on the surface.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2023 06:26

I can't believe people are giving the OP such a hard time here, with mean spirited accusations of neglect and reckless disregard for the child's welfare.

Sometimes this place is a parallel universe.

mathanxiety · 15/10/2023 06:31

Screwballs · 13/10/2023 11:31

I want you to have a consistent story. You're saying you had the door open so you could see what was going on, which means you knew what toddler was up to. And didnt bother to stop it, presumably because of "I told you so" towards your SK's. They have a right to their own rooms and have a right to expect them not to be trashed when they arent there all the time. They are children for god sake, they have as much right in that home as yours does, which includes the right to expect that their stuff isnt sacrificial no matter where its left. Would it hurt you to have a whip around and move their stuff out the way like you would your own items? They are part of your life OP, its not You vs. Them, have some compassion.

Show quote history

Or maybe she was mid-dump and couldn't get up off the loo?

Sometimes the simple explanation is more reasonable than the wild-eyed one that comes with a large dollop of venom.

SpringIntoChaos · 15/10/2023 06:45

You are being MASSIVELY unreasonable here OP!

It's YOUR job to supervise YOUR 'little one' (can you not just call them your toddler?🤦‍♀️)

Bedrooms are private spaces and teens are naturally a bit messy...but they should absolutely be given their privacy and assume that when they are not there, that YOU are adequately parenting your toddler to ensure that their private space is safe! No matter how pissed off you are about the state of it!! You sound spiteful...grow up!

CBAanymoreTBH · 15/10/2023 07:21

CwmYoy · 13/10/2023 09:21

Bundle their stuff up and take it back to their mum's.

This sort of petty shit is awful for children

Puffypuffin · 15/10/2023 08:12

Ourlittletalks · 15/10/2023 03:57

Many people live independent from their parents at a young age, depending on their personal circumstances. I know one girl who had two children by she 15 and lived away from home with those kids while she finished school. I know another girl who’s dad moved out when she was 14 for a new relationship and left her living alone from that age in the family home. I also know a man whos dad kicked him out @15 and spent two years couch surfing until he could find a landlord willing to rent to him because it was better than going into the care system, you have no idea of anybody else’s circumstances so do not act as if you do.

That's pretty unusual. I don't think the situations you describe are very common at all. Either way, it's not the case here. These children have a home with their father too, although it doesn't sound like they are made very welcome there.

CwmYoy · 15/10/2023 08:42

CBAanymoreTBH · 15/10/2023 07:21

This sort of petty shit is awful for children

Show quote history

It's petty that their mother couldn't be arsed to deal with it so passed the problem on, don't you think?

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2023 08:51

The OP herself has said she doesn’t mind the teens having whatever they want in their bedroom! And she is perfectly correct in this because it is their room.

I occasionally suggest to my teens that they have a clear out. If they throw stuff out, take it to charity, give it to friends, rearrange their room to make space - I have no idea.

The mum is unlikely to be cackling in the background saying “take these old Lego models to your dad’s house, that’ll annoy his wife, mwah hah hah”

GrandyL · 15/10/2023 11:34

You should watch your child. The toys were in their bedroom. You should be aware of what your child is up to. Close the bedroom doors yourself if you can’t trust yourself to watch your child. I would replace the toy for the sake of good relations

beigevase · 15/10/2023 12:11

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2023 08:51

The OP herself has said she doesn’t mind the teens having whatever they want in their bedroom! And she is perfectly correct in this because it is their room.

I occasionally suggest to my teens that they have a clear out. If they throw stuff out, take it to charity, give it to friends, rearrange their room to make space - I have no idea.

The mum is unlikely to be cackling in the background saying “take these old Lego models to your dad’s house, that’ll annoy his wife, mwah hah hah”

The op did she it was the mother who wanted the step kids to bring their stuff, not the dc. I think that's been missed in the whole thread. As a step mum myself, that would frustrate me massively.

If it were me I would have handled it completely differently.

If this stuff was special, I would have started by saying it's probably best to leave it where it is at their mums where I would assume it would stay safe. It's my house too, I can have a say what comes into it.

If this was not an option for whatever reason, I would have said it needs boxed away or put somewhere where my dc can't touch it. It's not fair on the step kids to have the possibility of their stuff broken by leaving it out. It is equally unfair that lots of new toys are brought into the home that young dc can't play with. Regardless of what room...the temptation is there. Again, it's my home and I should have a say on what I feel is going to work best for everyone.

If these things are so precious and sentimental, the older dc need to be able to understand that there is a risk that their stuff might get damaged.

"While I will do my very best to ensure it doesn't happen (as should dad) accidents to happen and I can't watch dc every second of the day. Dc is 3 and is going to make mistakes at times so if you want to keep your possessions safe, we need to do more than just hoping that they won't get damaged"

I would say this regardless of if they were my step children or not.

SheilaFentiman · 15/10/2023 13:55

@beigevase

OP said this:

“The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin”

Again, I very much doubt the kids wanted to bin them and the mum said “no, take them to your other house” - possibly she suggested some could go there so they had sentimental stuff in both places, some to charity etc

OP also said this:

“Little one knows the toy is there. Has admired toy before and been allowed to play with it at times when the DSC are there”

Which is a nice thing for bonding. Also this:

“If they want to bring every thing including all the junk things because they can't part with them that's fine by me. I was just trying to set the background of why there's so much stuff in the house that a toddler would find attractive. “

So OP doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with the old toys being in their room.

In any event, the item happened to have been an old toy. It might have been a make up palette or a current part-built set of Lego. The issue of the 3 year old knocking it down would be the same, except you couldn’t randomly blame the mother for that - or would you manage to, somehow?

beigevase · 15/10/2023 13:58

@SheilaFentiman I'm just saying how I would have dealt with it. Completely different to what the op would have done.

Thinkingpod · 15/10/2023 21:44

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Thinkingpod · 15/10/2023 21:49

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SemperIdem · 15/10/2023 22:07

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You’re talking about a very young child, get a grip.

SemperIdem · 15/10/2023 22:09

You have come across as a bit defensive in your posts op, which some posters have seen and jumped on.

Ultimately this is part and parcel of having multiple children in a home. Accidents happen, things get broken. This isn’t a “step” issue, it’s just one of the less perfect aspects of family life.

Thinkingpod · 15/10/2023 22:11

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SemperIdem · 15/10/2023 22:42

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Have I missed the update where op said she instructed her toddler to do that?

Or are you just massively projecting?

Let’s be honest, it’s the latter. You really need to get a grip.

Thinkingpod · 15/10/2023 23:03

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beigevase · 15/10/2023 23:09

@Thinkingpod are you Miss Trunchbull?