Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

[blanketsmell]

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

Knowing your little one can now open doors, why did you leave them unsupervised when you went to the toilet?

A playpen?!!! Little one is 3 far too big for a play pen!

So you knew your toddler (what age?) was going into a room they shouldn’t be in, whilst under your care, and you still say it wasn’t your fault?

if the toddler is too young to be trusted, then it is up to you, as the responsible adult, to make sure that they can’t get into places they shouldn’t be, can’t do something that may harm them, and can’t break things which don’t belong to them (and may harm them due to small/sharp bits).

you knew full well that your toddler would make a beeline for an out of bounds area - this has clearly been an ongoing issue, hence the ever changing rules and boundaries. It was up to you to prevent this.

So what did you expect them to do?

Take absolutely everything home to their mothers every time. Do you genuinely feel that they shouldn’t be able to leave anything in their rooms?

Why did you and your DH not suggest locks before now? this is on your two as the adults.

Your DC could have been harmed by breaking something and your DSC have been upset by it.

If your 3yo can’t be trusted then they should have been in the bathroom with you for their safety. We’ve all had to go through that stage

Wow.

The issue is that your toddler broke someone's else's property. Ultimately, that is the responsibility of whoever was supervising the toddler. So, your fault.

These things happen, of course. But I just can't imagine that if this sort of accident had happened when you were at a friend's house that you would have told them it was their fault for owning things a toddler wants to break.

Normally I side with stepmothers. This one is a hard sell.

OP, despite doing what you asked of them, you seem to think your stepchildren are still entirely at fault for your kid breaking their stuff. And you do sound contemptuous of them.

This is on you. And your toddler.

Don’t blend families, kids.

Ok I think I'm getting a lot of the same responses now. So thank you all. I shall look into how to stop it happening again. Perhaps a stair gate on the DSC's room. We might have been too hasty taking them down but LO was trying to climb over them so they didn't sem safe anymore and we assumed they were too old for that.

Or a hook.

And I shall try and bring them in with me when I go to the loo. I didn't realise that I was supposed to keep them with me even though they are a bit older now.

And yes an apology for the toy. I won't replace it as that won't change it. It was the emotions behind the toy. Perhaps I'll see if LO can apologise too.

You shouldn't be letting your toddler in their siblings' rooms when they're not there. Surely this is really really standard for siblings. I have a 5 years younger brother and I'd have been seriously pissed off if he was allowed to wander into my room when I was at school and play with stuff.

3yo is old enough to understand that they shouldn't be opening doors IMO, and if they aren't then yes, you prevent them from doing it by any means eg, a play pen!

3yo is also old enough to understand "come out of there please" shouted from and open bathroom.

How did the toddler respond when you asked him to come away OP, seeing as you knew where he was I'm assuming you at least did that?

If he ignored you, how have you disciplined him so that he learns?

How can the stepchildren be responsible when they weren’t home???? You should’ve been supervising your child at that age and going to the loo isn’t an excuse! They need supervision at all times at such a young age.

They ignored me and I sat them on the naughty step after. Is that OK? Does naughty step work for 3 year old or is it a bit young?

This the dislike towards your stepchildren is clear

With my own kids we go through stuff together.
Anything that was broken, not played with , something they grow out of it went.
I did bribe them with money so they could get something they could buy something new they would play with.

The fact of this is that you have had a lucky escape and a wake up call. Your 3 year old was out of range, able to enter a room they shouldn’t be in, and get up to mischief, before you could get there. Your 3 year old could have been hurt, possibly seriously, in that same time slot - they could have climbed up on a chair/desk and fallen, they could have got up on the bed to bounce and fallen, they could have investigated all sorts of things that might have been harmful to them.

none of this is ok just because it was ‘just an old toy’ that was broken. You need to work out a better strategy for keeping your child safe, especially if they are going to ignore you, ignore known rules, and deliberately target times like these to do so.

THIS
and replace the broken toy and put high hook on their door.
Problem solved.
Your house is not a dumping ground for ex, because she can't throw anything out.
Yes its difficult, but got ti be done (this is to the ex - not the op)

In that case pointless replacing it.
Was it a first teddy by a beloved relative sort of thing?
But get everything bundle back and sent ti tiger mums.

I think I cross posted with your last update update, it's hard keeping toddlers safe and out of mischief, and it's nice to see you can understand how you can all work together on this stuff to keep everyone happy going forward

No putting a barrier is a extremely short term solution. You actually need to spend time teaching your child not to touch stuff that isn't theirs with age appropriate immediate consequences.

If they do it to their older half-siblings then they will behave like that at other people's houses and with more dangerous stuff.

If your child doesn't go to nursery or pre-school they need to go asap.

Basically your child needs socialisation and other adults, including younger adults if possible, who have expectations of good behaviour from them.

YABU
They weren't present in the property while your child, who was in your care at the time and under your supervision, entered their room and broke something.

Your child under your supervision got in the room...

Well 3 isn’t a toddler, I had a stair gate up so they were trapped in the playroom as a toddler or took them to the loo with me.
At 3.5 my DD could open the stair gate and let the baby crawl out so when I was on the loo, they would both appear.

You and DH do need to think of something and they aren’t so tiny anymore at 3y, because what if they get in a room (maybe your room) where they splash nail varnish remover in their eyes or something to damage the house. Will you be happy if they draw over the walls while you’re on the loo.

Suppose it depends if an old three or young three, but I put my toddler in their cot or strapped into their highchair with a toy if I need to do something which will leave me incapacitated for a few minutes (such as toilet). Or simply take them in the bathroom with you and close the door.

If they’re old enough to break a toy, then they could fall down the stairs, pull something on themselves, put a toy in their mouth and choke, anything.