Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

[blanketsmell]

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

Where have I said it's not a problem?

@blanketsmell honestly, ignore all this utter BS from the usual SM are Evil Club.

you warned the kids, you told your toddler, and have disciplined him.

the older dc need to understand consequences. Sad but true.

Honestly op I think part of the problem is this is coming up in active and your getting a lot of harsh responses from people who aren't step parents, and mums who are in visioning their children in this story and who already don't approve of sp and it's turned into a bit of blood bath.

Seems to be if you ignored every post that had some vein that you hate your DSc or that you don't care, you would have to ignore 95% of this thread.

There's constructive advice and there's people just being nasty and reading what they want to and ignoring other elements of your posts.

@Puffypuffin. Poor night sleep removed my filter. Point taken and I apologise. I’ve asked HQ to filter on my behalf x

You originally said you wouldn’t apologise. This was an accident but it happened on your watch so obviously an apology is appropriate. Also it sets a good standard for your 3 year old.
My 3 year old is not locked in a room while I go to the toilet, she can stay wherever she is in the house, I tell her I’m going and give her the option to come (she never takes this option). She would never break something on purpose (tbf she never breaks things, looks after her toys) I assume it was an accident. How did he respond? Did he tell you? Say it was an accident? That he was sorry?

I would feel terrible, my daughter would too. I just wonder if you seemed to not be too worried whether he then thought it was no big deal too?
He’s 3. I think old enough to explain that he can’t go in the room without step siblings, especially as we wouldn’t want to break anymore of their stuff.

Anyone would be upset if something of theirs got broken- regardless of who they are and how old they are.

OP- your reaction is to blame the SDCs - whereas most people would get their 3 yr old to apologise to their sibling - making the 3 yr old realise that what they did was wrong and at the same time, tell the older child as 3 yr old can now open doors better to put stuff away - ina non judgemental manner.

You just want to make the elder child the guilty party because they left something lying around in their own bed room and the 3 yr old opened a door that was shut and entered somewhere he is not supposed to be!

Well obviously you should reinforce that your toddler doesn't go into their siblings room but accidents happen. It is as much your DHs responsibility as you. You can't watch a toddler all the time. Can't these toys be locked away in a cupboard when step children aren't there?

There is a lot of they and us in this. If they were your kids, you would have re bought the toy if it was so precious. Things happen. I think the underlying issue here is you treat them differently than yours. While it seems ok with you, they are still kid.

Ahh. I didn't realise that's how it worked! I thought I'd put it in stepparenting and was thinking people were deliberately coming here to pick on stepparents.

No I wouldn't. I've already explained that repurchasing the toy would probably in fact be an insult. If my child broke something of mine with sentimental value then buying a replacement isn't going to help is it, it will just compound it by showing how little was thought of the sentimentality attached to it.

I think I would have more of an issue with your SC using your house as a dumping ground for stuff they no longer actually need. Presumably their main residence is with their mum so if these things are so precious why not keep these sentimental toys there? It shouldn't be a difficult thing to put these things out of sight. Your DH needs to childproof the rooms to keep your SCs possessions and the toddler safe.

So they DID shut the door and it still happened. This is on you, you should be adequately supervising your toddler and locking doors to rooms she can't go in. They should be able to leave things in their own rooms without them getting broken.

What is honestly the point in this post? You've asked people if YABU then have been argumentative when they've said you are. FYI - YABU!

It's no one's fault.
Small children make mistakes with and push boundaries and will be drawn to new toys.
The older kids shouldn't have to remember to safekeep their possessions all the time, that's a big ask for an emerging adolescent brain.
A hook and eye would be best. Can one of you adults arrange it?
But (and this necessarily isn't your issue, one for the parents maybe) are the older kids being taught that they cannot keep everything for ever if they just bring the toys they've grown out of to Dad-Home from Mum-Home. Being able to discard possessions is important emotional development.

I’m a step mum …

you asked for opinions and didn’t like them when you got them.

then you played the poor me card.

No one has called you a monster OP and no one is tearing you to shreds. Most people are saying you are responsible for your DCS behaviour when you are the person in the house and the adult, You object to their opinon- so why ask in the first places

What most people are objecting to is you blaming the SDCs for leaving stuff in their own rooms with a shut door and their younger sibling going in somewhere he is not supposed to and breaking something, whilst you were the parent in charge and they were not in the house.

You allow one child to break/destroy the belongings of another??? YABU.

The poor me card? Wtf

This place is so weird

Don't be so ridiculous!

Just apologise that your toddler got in their room - doesn't matter why!

And maybe they need a safe place to be left while you use the loo - if they can get in their siblings room what else can they get into?

Consequences of what?

I'm also a step mum OP and I do know how hard that is, but I don't think that's the issue here really is it. I do think it's your (and your DHs) responsibility to look after their stuff while they're not there, just the same as looking after yours or your DS. I don't think it's right to just brush it off because they were 'warned'.

Sorry, thought the post was clear enough, perhaps not tho.

the consequences of them leaving their stuff on the floor and it getting damaged.

But their stuff was in their own bedroom? Different it it was left lying about the living room, surely? When DS was tiny, he wasn't allowed to go in DSS's room unless he was in there.

What a bizarre question. As a mum of 2 kids I think yabu. If my youngest went into the eldest’s room and broke a toy, I certainly wouldn’t be putting the blame on the eldest child for not having hidden their stuff away. The same should apply with your stepchildren. Either you need to supervise better and/or your youngest needs to learn that they are not allowed to enter their older siblings room or touch their belongings without asking. Obviously if we were talking of a shared bedroom, then there would be some responsibility on the eldest to put their belongings in a safe space.

So true I remember dd2 (13) being really upset when ds (3) pushed her Harry Potter lego train off the side - after she spent hours making it. She probably still holds it against him and she never remade it (now 30 and 20).