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Original poster

Their toys are not my responsibility- aibu?

487 replies

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 09:06

Hello, there's been some "mild" drama and I'm looking to see what you, as fellow steparents think.

So I have two stepchildren who are both at secondary school and I have one child with my partner who is at nursery.

The stepchildren have, encouraged by their mother, bought lots of their old toys to stay here rather than charity shop them or bin if unplayable with. As a result their bedroom is now filled with lots of exciting toys aimed at a younger child.

I told them once little one started walking that they would have to shut their door if they don't want little one coming in. And then as little one grew and can now open doors dad gave them warning to make sure anything precious to them was out of sight.

Anyway.. quite predictably little one has got in while they were at their mums an has now broke a toy one of the dsc were particularly fond of. DH is now saying I should have stopped little one going in the room.

AIBU to say sorry but they were warned?

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toobusymummy · 13/10/2023 20:19

there seems to be an undercurrent of tension here - you're cross about having toys dumped in your DSC's room, your husband is cross the toddler got in there, probably your DSC are cross that their toy is broken - none of you are happy right now and you all need to figure out a way to work together or your blended family is going to have increasingly challenging problems to deal with! What I'm saying is toddlers will be toddlers, its not possible to watch them every minute of every day but if the privacy of their siblings room is that important, a latch or something would stop it from happening again.

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 13/10/2023 20:21

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 19:38

MY CHILD OPENED THE DOOR READ THE POST

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Well going by your aggressive attitude on here tbh, I feel I know enough.

Livelovebehappy · 13/10/2023 20:24

If, for example, they were all your dcs, would you honestly be telling them to hide their toys away so that others didn’t break them? No, you wouldn’t, you’d teach them to not touch their siblings things without permission. It shouldn’t be hard. If your dc is tall enough to open a door, then they must be old enough to understand. It all sounds a bit feral, allowing your dc to wonder in and out of rooms playing with and touching anything they want.

ChesterAndRaoul · 13/10/2023 20:28

You're all equally to blame but your attitude about the whole thing just sucks.

"Why is that MY responsibility?" - It is your responsibility because you are the parent, and you know better. It is not your youngest child's room, it is not their stuff, they should not touch.

"I'm not going to apologize for using the loo." - Are you being deliberately obtuse? No one is asking you to use apologize for using the loo, they are asking you to show your step children basic human kindness by acknowledging that your other child has done something wrong while they were under your supervision and that you are sorry for that.

"I'M not helping them do that they are old enough" - So what if they are old enough? They are still kids, you don't have to physically help them, but you can help them by encouraging them to identify precious things and helping them find somewhere special to keep them. Whether it be a box or shelf, instead of doing the bare minimum and telling them to keep them out the way.

You just seem so utterly cold and indifferent to the fact that something that is going to hurt one of your step-children has happened and all you care about is that you told them so? That you shouldn't have to do this or that, and it's all on them.

All I can see that you are teaching all of your children is how not to take any responsibility and how NOT to be kind 🤷

You've clearly become defensive when the answers you got didn't align with what you thought was right, that is why this whole thread has become unnecessarily harsh, I think you just need to think about how you would feel if you left something out and it got broken, and then act accordingly

Forgotmylogindetails · 13/10/2023 20:35

Your a first time mum so you didn’t know about locking a door ??

sorry but what

LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 20:48

What consequences was the child given for breaking the toy?

roseheartfly · 13/10/2023 20:51

It's a real shame but it wasn't intentional.

I think the natural thing is for your and DH to replace or something equivalent.

It's not your DSC's fault and shrugging it off it's pretty thoughtless.. the child is a child.

Quartz2208 · 13/10/2023 20:55

Surely your points 2 and 5 are at odds, you warned them yet somehow was not aware yourself

Serrina · 13/10/2023 21:10

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 20:03

I'm a younger sibling myself so I can agree that younger siblings do have to put up with things too. But that isn't the issue here, the issue is OP's blasé attitude towards the whole thing. First of all she sounds put upon by the step children bringing their old toys to her house.

I think it's reasonable to feel put out by that - most parents have more control over how many toys their kids have in the house, it would be annoying having them bring loads over outside of your control, that you may not have space for.

Then in regards to this incident, her attitude is "oh well, their fault" "I don't need to apologise" "little one doesn't need to draw a picture they can say it verbally" without realising that 3 year olds often need visual aids such as pictures to understand. It's no good just telling a 3 year old to say "sorry" because they won't understand what they're saying sorry for. Then when people pointed out what was wrong here, she comes back with "oh well I'm a first time mum I don't know what I'm doing".

I agree that OP isn't exactly jumping to take responsibility/sound apologetic but personally I feel it's hard to judge someone when the responses they receive have been excessively harsh. If people had been telling me I was awful and this is why people hate step parents over such a minor issue, I wouldn't be feeling very magnanimous in my responses either. And I agree with OP that the picture would be overkill. My DSS certainly doesn't draw us a picture every time he is clumsy and breaks something, and he is 10.

Big difference between 10 and 3 though. A 10 year old understands what they're apologising for. A 3 year old won't, they'll just say "sorry" because they're being told to, which is why visual aids tend to be used a lot in Early Years, whereas not so much as they get older.

funinthesun19 · 13/10/2023 21:29

If, for example, they were all your dcs, would you honestly be telling them to hide their toys away so that others didn’t break them? No, you wouldn’t

I’ve told my older DCs to keep things out of their little sister’s reach on many occasions. That might mean putting their things in a box under their bed or high up on a shelf. Not difficult or unreasonable.

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:31

@aSofaNearYou If people had been telling me I was awful and this is why people hate step parents over such a minor issue, I wouldn't be feeling very magnanimous in my responses either thank you very much for this. I am aware some of my posts have been "shouty/frustrated" I assure you that this is not the actual attitude in the house! Half the posters seem to have read so much into my post that wasn't there!

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Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:33

ThickSkinnedSoWhat · 13/10/2023 20:21

Well going by your aggressive attitude on here tbh, I feel I know enough.

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It's not aggressive it's just making it clearer by being in caps as so many people are missing that point

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:34

Forgotmylogindetails · 13/10/2023 20:35

Your a first time mum so you didn’t know about locking a door ??

sorry but what

I lock doors. I lock the external doors. I have child locks on some cupboards. I have a locked box for medication. But no, I have never thought I needed to lock an internal door other than a bathroom.

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:35

LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 20:48

What consequences was the child given for breaking the toy?

Told to sit on the naughty step

OP posts:
Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:36

I'M not helping them do that they are old enough" - So what if they are old enough? They are still kids, you don't have to physically help them, but you can help them by encouraging them to identify precious things and helping them find somewhere special to keep them. Whether it be a box or shelf, instead of doing the bare minimum and telling them to keep them out the way. their dad can do that I've got enough on my plate.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 21:38

Big difference between 10 and 3 though. A 10 year old understands what they're apologising for. A 3 year old won't, they'll just say "sorry" because they're being told to, which is why visual aids tend to be used a lot in Early Years, whereas not so much as they get older.

Yes but it's not like that's the only approach, I've never once asked a child to draw an apology picture. OP is well within her rights to not approach it that way.

Forgotmylogindetails · 13/10/2023 21:39

@blanketsmell

i mean this in the nicest possible way , you say you have enough on your plate but your replying all day on mumsnet.

perhaps use that time to speak to your husband about doing the things like getting a lock your too busy to do … or go online and order them so there ready for when he’s not busy.

MistyBean · 13/10/2023 21:39

Op, take responsibility because this happened on your watch. Also... you might not recognise it, but you have an attitude towards your step children. It makes me feel sad for them.

aSofaNearYou · 13/10/2023 21:40

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:31

@aSofaNearYou If people had been telling me I was awful and this is why people hate step parents over such a minor issue, I wouldn't be feeling very magnanimous in my responses either thank you very much for this. I am aware some of my posts have been "shouty/frustrated" I assure you that this is not the actual attitude in the house! Half the posters seem to have read so much into my post that wasn't there!

No problem OP, it happens all the time here, people respond way too harshly to the OP and then wonder why they don't sound particularly good natured afterwards.

namechangnancy · 13/10/2023 21:41

Op you might not have gathered but there aren't a lot of people commenting on here giving hassle who aren't actually step parents. And a large chunk of them don't agree with step parents and broke the cardinal rule of Mn which is to reproduce with a man with kids

I might just say that this happened in reverse on a post a while ago where a elder DSc (tween) broke their half siblings toy on purpose. People were bending over backwards to justify it and minimise the impact to ops child. So ironic to see this in reverse.

Shit gets broken if you don't keep it out of reach of a toddler.

CrazyCatLadyCat · 13/10/2023 21:43

You should replace the toy of theirs that got broken! YABU

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:44

Forgotmylogindetails · 13/10/2023 21:39

@blanketsmell

i mean this in the nicest possible way , you say you have enough on your plate but your replying all day on mumsnet.

perhaps use that time to speak to your husband about doing the things like getting a lock your too busy to do … or go online and order them so there ready for when he’s not busy.

Why do you think I haven't already done that?

OP posts:
LaBohemia · 13/10/2023 21:44

blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:35

Told to sit on the naughty step

Show quote history

That's good. He has learned his lesson now and won't do it again.

Escapetofrance · 13/10/2023 21:45

Yabu.
You step dc should able to leave their toys in their home and not be criticised for it. Accidents happen when young children are about. Perhaps you could replace the toy that was broken?

Original poster
blanketsmell · 13/10/2023 21:46

@namechangnancy Oh. But I chose the stepparenting bit to hear from other stepparents!

OP posts: